#florida

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes. I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy . Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It's like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Sometimes I forget I'm from Florida and then I remember when I was 9, my dad had me drive the golf cart so he could get drunk on the course.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Hey Texas, in Florida it's legal to abort other people's kids up to 17 years.

Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you're at the beach.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don't "like" themselves.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I'm forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.

News:"a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours..." They have hover bears? jealous again

Just introduced my teen daughter to Monty Python, thus completing my duties as a father. I will now retire to Florida and await grandkids.

If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn't want to hurt people from Florida?

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

They should just report when there WASN'T a shooting in Florida at this point

I hate to think there are meteorologists out there who've never stood in front of the green screen and pretended to jerk off Florida.

Me: I won't be in due to a VOLCANO Boss: ..we live, in Florida..? Me: IRRELEVANT Boss: Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

"Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you're calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line..."

once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida. I call it "No air conditioning".

Honk if you love Jesus Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a ""Honk if you love Jesus"" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just…

A newlywed couple decide to go on a honeymoon... ... To Florida. The husband gets there before his wife does and decides to send her an email. He finishes unpacking and types it out, but when he sends it, he misstypes the adress and accidentally sends it to an old lady whose husband had recently died. The old lady reads the message and faints. It said: ""Dear honey, I have arrived at our destination. I have unpacked and everything is ready for your arrival. I miss you and expect to see you soon!…