#florida

Letter from Florida Dearest Billy Joe, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your daddy read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 10 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works …

Every Day in Florida Two elderly ladies, Phyllis and Marge, were driving to a church gathering. Phyllis was behind the wheel while Marge rode shotgun, knitting. Out of the corner of her eye, Marge thought she saw a stop sign flash by and asked herself if perhaps Phyllis had blown past it, so she paid attention as they approached another. Sure enough, Phyllis cruised through the intersection without stopping. ""Phyllis! You just ran a stop sign!"" ""Oh!"" replied Phyllis, ""Am I driving?""

Back in the early nineties, the Byrds lost two of their original band members. Gene Clark (tambourine and vocals) and Michael Clarke (drums) died in 1991 and 1993, respectively. Not a lot of people know this, but shortly after finishing his term as our 41st president, George H. W. Bush actually joined the Byrds during a special memorial concert held in Florida, near the home of the late drummer. At the risk of seeming disrespectful, he KILLED IT. The former president managed to play drums, sing,…

I asked my friend if he ever went skiing. . . ""Not in real life, only in Florida.""

Jeb says hes good at fixing things and I don't doubt him... People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm *talkin* about.

The Cherokee Indians are overrated. Sure, they had an advanced writing system, but Indians from Florida produced more Seminole works. ...I'll show myself out.

So this penguin is on vacation in Florida and he is driving around when suddenly his car starts slowing down and sputtering, so he pushes it a bit more and makes it to a repair shop. The mechanic goes over, takes a look and says that the car will be ready in a few hours. He suggests that since the penguin is a tourist he should check out the beach since it is only a short walk away. So the penguin takes his advice and walks to the beach. However when he gets there it is so hot that he decides to…

Crocodile breaks into Florida store, steals sports drinks. It was a Gator-raid.

My girlfriend went to Florida She blew his whistle; It went down for real.

A Florida woman who went to the doctor about a pain in her leg was surprised to learn that she had been shot five days ago by .38 caliber bullet. Asked how she was able to bear the pain for so long, she replied, ""it was pretty tame compared to living in Florida.""

If you love Jesus.. The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like …

Did you hear about that giant cooling device in Florida? It was a Miami heat fan.

Topical Jokes This week, the Price is Right gave away a treadmill to a contestant with no feet. And to make matters worse, the next contestant was blind -- and he won a pair of prosthetic feet. In Florida, a woman being held at knifepoint was rescued when she texted Pizza Hut to call 911. The woman had been in a similar situation previously, when her house caught on fire -- and she called Wendy's. After the woman was set free, she celebrated -- by ordering a pizza from Papa John's. In Indiana, a…

A newel married women is looking to book for honeymoon A newly married Women goes a travel agent & says, ""Can you give me a great deal on a Honeymoon package"" Agent: We have a $8000 package to Hawaii for 3 nights / 2 days including Flight, Hotel & Food Women: Do you have a cheaper package? Agent: We have a 2 Nights / 3 Days package to Florida Keys that includes travel, hotel & Drinks for $5000 Women: Do you have a package cheaper than this? A better deal? Agent: We have a special o…

It's the Cinco de Mayo! It is a little known fact that since its inception, the state of Mexico has had a voracious appetite for the condiment mayonnaise. Indeed, this desire to have mayonnaise with all meals has influenced the very economy and national psyche. In 1858 the Mexican government struck a deal with the government of the United States to have a supply of mayonnaise delivered at once, at wholesale price, to last the entire country of Mexico for one year. It was to be delivered by ship …

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent's driveway in a Porsche.... Naturally, his parents know that there's no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car. ""Where did you get that car?"" his mom and dad screamed in shock. He very calmly tells them, "" I bought it today."" ""With what money young man?"" his mom demands. ""We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it"" ""Well, it's used and I Got a good deal"" says the boy, ""This…

Talked to A Pilot Two days ago I was flying home from Florida and there was a lot of turbulence. So as we were disembarking and the flight attendants/pilots were saying there usual ""thank you for flying our airline"" and as I was passing by the pilot said ""I'm sorry for the bumpy ride."" I responded ""No worries, at least you weren't locked out by your co-pilot.""

TIL: There is a chemical compound that can be extremely deadly to humans, is most of the time in food, and is not always government regulated. Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are: Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities. Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO caus…

Breaking News: Ten Year Old Kid mistakenly eats.. A Ten year old diabetic kid from Florida today, mistakenly had eaten all of his mother's entire edible underwear collection, thinking they were in fact a fruit roll up type of treat... His parents became alarmingly aware of this development after short while when they noticed that the kid was starting to get a LITTLE CHUBBY....More at Eleven. (OC)

There is a man waiting at an airport... ... and wonders where to get his ticket. He goes to the help desk and they say ""There's a ticket counter somewhere over there"" and points to a big empty space. The man goes there, but then gets lost quickly. He then sees a guy at a counter, and heads there. ""Hello"" The man says. ""I'm looking for the ticket counter, is this it?"" ""Yes, how can I help you?"" The guy at the counter asked. ""My name's John smith. I'm going to florida."" ""Okay, that will…

What was the old lady's favourite type of wine? ""Why don't you ever take me to Florida?"" Courtesy of my Nana.

A black guy walks into a police station in Florida and he never comes out.

Morty sells off his garment business in Chicago and moves down to Florida to retire... After he's there a few months, he looks up an old business partner Irv who had retired to Boca Raton just a few years earlier. Irv invites Morty to his condo where they share a little lunch and catch up on old times. They light up cigars and Morty says ""Irv...? I gotta tell ya. I'm not sure this retirement thing is for me. I'm absolutely climbing the walls with boredom."" Irv: ""Bored? Acch bored. I'm never…

Topical Jokes for 1/6 A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea's definition of ""cyber attack specialist"" is anyone who's ever watched ""The Matrix."" ...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message ""Please. Help me get out of North Korea."" In Mexico, a vicious drug cartel forced some members to eat human hearts. Ex-members of the cartel who were forced to eat hearts have formed a class action, …

The Alligator Trick A family from (a redneck town of your choice) was traveling to Florida on vacation. They saw a store on the roadside that advertised Alligator Shows. They stopped and waited for the next show. The Alligator trainer started the show by tapping the Alligator on the head with a stick and the Alligator snapped his mouth shut quickly. He then tapped the Alligator on the head two times with the stick and the Gator slowly closed his mouth very softly not making a sound. The trainer …