#tim

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who's boss ME: damn right [later] ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list. Love, -Tim

Tim: This is Tim from accounting. Me: Hi Tim from accounting. Tim: Just say Tim. Me. Tim. Tim: How are you today? Me: Tim.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ''Tim hurt one monkey... he feels bad."

Newsreader: "And now Tom with the weather." Weatherman: "It's Tim, actually." Newsreader: "Sorry. And now Tom with the tim."

Ian: "I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car." Tim: "You did what?!" Ian: "Baked you a pie."

There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So there we go.

Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

Ian: It's done. Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice? I: What? MB: Like a restaurant. I: I killed him. MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

T-REX: So you going to Tim's surprise party? TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what? RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day? Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.

[on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

[SPELLING BEE] JUDGE: Tim, your word is "Oak" TIM: [deep breath] Ok *BUZZER* T: What th J: So close! It's O-'A'-K T: But... J: Hard luck, kid

"Tim's coming tonight" "Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?" [in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

I can't figure out why my son hates me. Tim hates you? No, my other son. I can't remember his name. I just call him "not Tim"

TIM: how are you? ME: it's Monday TIM: yeah ME: the sun is up TIM: are u just listing facts? ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.

Limericks Pretend that America's pastime is limericks instead of baseball. So two men, Earl P. Erickson, a Harvard graduate and valedictorian, and Billy Steaz, who dropped out of highschool as a senior. These bright men were in a competition for limericks. They had been in a even field for two days, neither being beaten, nor gaining the upper hand. Today would be their last day. So the MC had a box full of papers with words for the men to make limericks out of. The MC reaches into the box and di…

Returning on Investment After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. ""How about some perfume?"" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. ""That's a bit much,"" said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. ""That's still quite a bit,"" Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. ""What I mean,"" said Tim, ""is I'd like to see something really cheap."" The clerk handed him a mirror.

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word within one minute. In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from New Zealand. They get the word ""Timbouktou"". The rabby is first. He starts: ""I was a rabby all my life, I loved my children and my wife, I read the bible through and through and I did it on my way to Timbouktou"". The audience is fascinated. Nobody belives that the farmer could top this. Now he starts:…

A woman gave birth to triplets. She named them Tim, Tom, and Tat. Unfortunately at feeding time there was no tit for Tat.

A letter to my friend, Tim So I was writing a letter to my best friend and pen-pal, Tim. I'd forgotten to send the letter earlier, and it would not find him until after Christmas. So in the letter, I said: ""Better late than NEVER! :)"" Thanks, like and upvote

Tim was a fan of tractors all his life... When he was young he had a tractor bed spread, toys and posters. He would tell all his friends at school of the latest tractor models being made and loved them more than anything. The years went by and eventually Tim was old enough to drive a tractor and so for his birthday his parents took him down to the tractor factory to test the latest model. Tim was told all about the amazing technology that went into the machine and then as he was almost bursting …

Timbuktu Two gentlemen are sitting at the pearly gates waiting to speak with St. Peter. St. Peter asks them both to recite a poem using the word Timbuktu. They sat there for a bit and the first guy says ""While sitting on the ocean shore, listening to the ocean roar, I saw a ship passing through, it's destination, Timbuktu."" St. Peter smiled and allowed him through the gates. The second guy was having a very hard time coming up with a poem. After a long while he finally says ""Tim and I, a walk…

Heavenly Marital Help Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. ""Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."" Six months pass and Peter returns. ""Yes, we can do this for you."" The couple asks, ""Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"" To which St. Pet…