#new-zealand

"daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa" *checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it's tomorrow, in America it's yesterday and in North Korea it's 1980.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million. How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Can't believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

A new Zealand joke Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses? They saw what happened to the sheep

There is a game show where you have to make up short poems containing a special word within one minute. In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from New Zealand. They get the word ""Timbouktou"". The rabby is first. He starts: ""I was a rabby all my life, I loved my children and my wife, I read the bible through and through and I did it on my way to Timbouktou"". The audience is fascinated. Nobody belives that the farmer could top this. Now he starts:…

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.... ...Picking up the phone, he spoke ""Hebrew.""

An Australian is taking a walk in New Zealand... when he looks into the field beside the path and sees a Kiwi farmer having his way with a sheep. He is a little shocked, so he walks over and tells the farmer ""You know mate, in Australia we shear sheep."" The Kiwi farmer looks up at him and exclaims ""Not here in New Zeelund bro, I ain't shearing! Bloody get your own sheep!""

So, I just heard about the 7.5 earthquake in New Zealand... Seems a lot of people are shaken up about it.

To all the ""I'm moving to Canada"" people out there, you're being ridiculous. You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

Little Green Man A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. There is no one else in the bar besides the bartender and this guy. Things are slow so the bartender says to the guy ""Hey you want to see something cool?"" The guy says sure. So they both hop into the bartenders car and start driving. They drive for 30 min before they drive up to a gate. The bartender gets out and opens the gate, gets back in and drives through, and then gets out and closes the gate. Now they are at a river. They ditch…

A big earthquake hits the Middle East.. A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 strikes the Middle East, Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured, Iraq, Syria, and even parts of Iran are completely in rubble and don't know where to start with the rebuilding process. Also in shock, the rest of the world begins sending relief and supplies, Britain is sending in troops to keep the peace, Saudi Arabia, not as impacted, is sending oil and monetary assistance, Latin American countries …

The invention of the condom... About fifty years ago, a guy from New Zealand invented the condom by using the intestines from a sheep. Ten years after, a bloke from Australia re-invented it by first taking the intestines out of the sheep.

The Climate of New Zealand Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

A joke for the Irish. A man gets a job in a pub in a tiny village in the nack of nowhere in Ireland. On his first night there an old farmer comes in and asks for 3 pints of Guinness. The barman pulls the pints and watches him drink them slowly, one after the other. When he finishes he asks for another 3 pints. This goes on all night until the barman finally says ""You know, you'd be better off getting one at a time so they stay fresh"". The old farmer replies ""Shur I know that. But I have a bro…

A New Zealander and his son The mother of a New Zealand family passed away, leaving behind her husband and son. They were poor farmers and in order to give his son a better life, the father sent the son away to university. It's been a year, and the son didn't contact his father even once. Two years, and still not a word. Five years and all the father heard back was silence. After ten years, the father assumed his son was already dead, when one day he runs into him on the street. ""Son, where hav…

The New Zealand man named Hughe There once was a New Zealand man named Hughe. Now in New Zealand, most of the people lived in quaint houses with decks. The first thing you notice when you go to someone's deck, because they were always right in front of the house. Now Hughe's deck was the biggest deck in the county. The wood used to build Hughe's deck was ebony, a black, hard, and rare type of wood. This combined with Hughe's secret sealant that he applied to his deck made his deck the smoothest …

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East . Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are se…

I once asked my friend from New Zealand to count how many girlfriends he's had Shortly after attempting to do so, he fell asleep.

Just retelling an old joke I heard a long time ago There were 3 people from 3 different areas (either from different cities, or from different countries, from memory). They were faced with some sort of question, or faced a relatively common situation, or something. The first two (who were from a similar area to where I am from) answered or acted in a quite sensible and generally acceptable way. The third one (from a different geographical area) answered in quite a foolish way and his (or her) an…

My impression of a New Zealand duck: Quick... Quick. Quick.

The New Zealand Military

There are three kinds of people in New Zealand.. The racists, the big spiders, and the big racist spiders..

Newsflash, New Zealand! You're not that new!