#st-peter

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven? Me: Once a coworker said "supposably" 7 times in a meeting & I just let her StP: Get in here

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

[pearly gates] st peter: welcome everybody- *i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it's the rim*

*At the pearly gates* St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around. Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.

I want to live the kind of life that when St. Peter looks over my list of sins he gives me a high-five before he sends me to hell.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, "Go home you're drunk!" Just another time alcohol saved my life.

GOD: Peter, you will be heaven's bouncer ST PETER: What the hell, I don't want ST BERNARD (whispering): Shut up or he'll make you a dog

St. Peter: "Spock?" Leonard Nimoy: "I'm Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV." St. Peter: "HEY EVERYBODY! IT'S SPOCK!"

Three friends die and go to heaven.. ..when they get there, they see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven they must each answer one question, completely honestly. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks him if he ever cheated on his wife. The man tells St. Peter, ""I never cheated on my wife, I loved her everyday of my life."" St. Peter then welcomes the man into Heaven and tells him because of his faithfulness he gets to drive a Rolls Royce …

While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies... His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in,"" says the man. ""Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hel…

Appropriate for Election Season A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks his profession. The man says he was a politician. ""Ah,"" says St. Peter, ""then you may choose whether you would like to go to heaven or hell. You may spend one week in heaven, then one week in hell. At the end of the two weeks, you may decide where you would likes to spend the rest of eternity."" So the man goes first to heaven. Everyone sits around peacefully strumming their harps a…

Ed the Chicken Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, You died in your sleep, Ed.' Ed was stunned. I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered w…

An Italian man, a Jewish man, and a gay man go to Heaven An Italian man, a Jewish man, and a gay man all die and go to Heaven. When they approach the Pearly Gates they beg St. Peter to give them a second chance. St. Peter agrees under one condition. They must never give in to their favorite things ever again. The three men agree and are sent back down to Earth. While walking down the street enjoying their new found lives they come across a pizzeria. Italian: Oh my God! I never thought I would ta…

a Doctor arrives at the pearly gates.... St. Peter asks him who he is, he replies ""I'm a surgeon, I help the crippled to walk and the blind to see"" Come on in, St Peter says. Next a teacher shows up, St Peter asks who he is, ""I'm a Teacher, I help educate the ignorant and prepared them for successful careers"". St Peter says ""come on in"". A musician comes along St Peter asks who he is, and he says ""I was a Musician, I make depressed people happy and I give lonely people a reason to go out …

An engineer in Hell An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter greets him. ""Come in, come in."" says Peter, ""We can always use another engineer."" But the engineer is not so sure he wants to go to Heaven. He is a builder and a doer and is afraid he will be bored. So he asks if he can have a look at Hell to see if he would like to go there instead. St. Peter says ""Sure, why not?"" and sends him down for a look. The engineer sees the fiery pits and the swamps and the heat …

A priest and a math teacher... die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, ""If the math teacher gets this, imagine what I might get!"" So he follows St. Peter past a row of large houses, a row of suburban houses, a row of small houses, a row of houses for rent, a row of apartment com…

Frank get's hit by a bus... Frank get's hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meets St. Peter at the gate. He says to Peter: 'I know I'm dead, but I want to see my wife and children one last time!' Peter says:'Okay, but I can't send you back as a human, you'll have to go back as a spider. Also you have to go down from right here at the gates of heaven by your own spun thread.' Because Frank really wanted to see his wife and children again he aggrees and is transformed in a spider. He start to spin…

A cabbie and a priest die at the same time ... and arrive at the gates of heaven. St. peter looks at the cabbie's records and exclaims, ""welcome to heaven good sir!"" before giving him a golden silk robe and keys to a villa. Looking at the spectacle in front of him, the priest thinks he's set. When he arrives, St. Peter looks at his chart and says, ""you'll do"" before giving him a somewhat old robe and keys to what looked like an apartment. The priest looks astonished and asks the angel why he…

3 Men die and go to heaven... 3 men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, ""Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven, however, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."" First man steps up and St. Peter says, ""Ok Shawn it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle a Ferrari f430."" Shawn grabs the keys and takes…

3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke) They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, ""To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died. The first man steps forward and says,""Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and lucky grabbed hold of the railing of the apartment below me. Then, some crazy guy came out of the apartment and pushed me off, and I fell to the concrete belo…

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates... St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: ""You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."" The man says: ""I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."" St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin. The second …

Bran Muffins An old couple, he 85 years old and she 83, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite, and Jacuzzi. As they gasped at the splendor of their estate, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ""It's…

Catholic School Girls A bus full of Catholic School Girls go off the side of a cliff and everyone dies. As they all line up before the Pearly Gates St. Peter approaches them and says, ""Girls, you all may enter Heaven. First, however, if you have ever touched male genitalia you must dip whatever part of your body touched it into the Holy Water."" The first two girls go and just dip their hands. Suddenly a commotion begins at the back of the line. As a girls runs up to the front of the line St. P…

Gangbangers in Heaven Forty gangbangers, complete with hoodies and hos, turn up at the pearly-gates demanding to be let in. St. Peter explains that he just can't let them all in at once & tells them to ""hang on a few minutes, whilst I just have a word with my boss."" So he goes off & gets on the phone to God. God says to him ""Go back down to them, but don't let any of them through the pearly gates until you've talked to them & established who have sinned & who have been righteo…

Christmas in Heaven Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something that represented ""Christmas"". The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, ""How do these represent Christmas?"" The third man answer…