#st-peter

Three men are waiting at the gates to heaven When they are told they will receive a better car, the more loyal they were to their wives. The first man approaches St. Peter and St. Peter says ""you sir were very loyal to your wife you get a Lamborghini"" the man thanks St. Peter, gets in his car and drives through the gates. The second man approaches St. Peter and St. Peter says ""you sir were loyal except for one instance. You get a Chrysler"" the man expresses his regret and enters through the …

A religious lady is in her house when a flood is approaching... Her neighbor came by with his pick up truck and said ""hey myrna, i have room for you you and your chair, the flood is coming, lets go!"" She answered serenely, ""no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"" When the water had forced her to the second floor, a policeman in a boat came by and said Ma'am, c'mon, it's time to go."" She again answered serenely, ""no, I'm going to wait for the Lord to save me"" When the water had forc…

No, he's higher up. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed…

A man dies and is waiting to enter heaven. Talking to St. Peter St.Peter explain that he will grant him access to heaven if he answers some basics questions... So St-Peter asks: ""How many time did you cheat on your wife ?"" ""Well... to be honest I have always been faithful to her and never cheated on her"" ""Hmm... Ok.. let me check in my book..... Hmm yes my son! You do are saying the truth !"" ""May I ask you why this is relevant?"" ""Well, here in Heaven the more you have been good with you…

Three men & their daughters at the pearly gates Three men, each with an adult daughter, arrive at the gates of heaven. St Peter greets them, then says to the first man, ""you cannot be granted access to heaven as you have devoted your whole life to the accumulation of wealth. You even named your daughter here Penny, and she has continued the family tradition. There can be no admittance for either of you."" The man & his daughter turn away & St Peter turns to the second couple. ""You …

One of the first ""Pearly Gates"" jokes A man gets hit by a car and goes to heaven. When he opens his eyes in the after life and gazes upon the pearly gates, his jaw drops. The biggest line he'd ever seen was stretched before him, miles long. He couldn't even see the entrance to heaven. He flags down St. Peter and confronts him. ""Yo! What's with the line?!"" St Peter shrugs, ""I dunno, but people have been dying to get in.""

My dad told this to me years ago Three guys die in a car accident and are now waiting at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven. St. Peter walks up to them and says ""Welcome to heaven. You have all made it to heaven however your eternal companion will be determined by your sins."" The first guy walks up and sees this really homely looking girl walk towards him so he turns and asks St. Peter ""what did I do wrong?"" ""Well I see here that you cheated on your taxes,"" St. Peter replies. The first gu…

A guy goes to heaven A guy ends up at the pearly gates and St Peter welcomes him by congratulating him for being the first man to live to 350 years of age. The guy is confused, I think you have got the wrong guy , I never lived that long. St Peter replies, Yeah it's you, we worked it out from your IT contracting time sheets.

A priest & a driver arrives at heaven's gate, guarded by St. Peter. Upon arrival at heaven's gate, St. Peters asks which one of the two is the driver, and the driver replied ""Me!"". ""Alright, come on in to heaven."" The priest asks ""How about me?"" ""Well, the reason why I'm not letting you in is that, when you're preaching all your followers are asleep, whereas when the driver's driving, all the passengers are praying hard.'' *Told by our tour guide in Israel, don't mind the mediocre tra…

Purple People Eater So I'm sitting in class one day when I see a group of kids huddled together a few seats over whispering about something. Now, curiosity has always been wont to get the better of me, and today was no different. With a little bit of discrete eavesdropping, I manage to pick up that they're discussing something called a ""purple people eater."" In an admittedly rash decision, I ask them, ""Hey guys, what's a purple people eater?"" They stiffen up, give me a weird look, and call t…

Poet vrs the North American Native Indian So a Poet and a Native American have died and they are standing at the pearly gates of St. Peters. It has been a long day and is about closing time and St. Peter wants to end his shift so decides to let in only 1 of them before he shuts the gates for the night. His staff also want to end the work day and letting both in would cause to much late in the day paperwork. St Peter looked at the files for both and realized both qualified to get in but the paper…

A man comes home early to surprise her wife He walks up the stairs, into the bedroom and gently wake up the wife. Then he goes to the window and shows to the woman their new car, just bought, after years of savings. In that exact moment, they see a thief trying to wire start the car. The man, instinctively, lift the closet and throw it through the window, smashing the car and killing the thief. Unfortunately, he also fall from the window and die on the floor, 5 floor under. That night three men …

Three guys go to Heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one: ""What did you do on Earth, son?"" I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"" ""Come in, son!"" ""And you?"" to the second guy. ""I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"" ""Please come in, son"" Third guy answers: ""I was a musician"" St Peter: ""Oh, there's a door in the back""

Three men die and go to heaven St. Peter welcomes them at the Pearly Gates and tells them they are all allowed to enter but there is one rule they must not break, under no circumstances can of them step on a duck. As they walk in, they realize there are ducks everywhere. The first guy makes it about an hour but then accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter has him handcuffed to the ugliest woman the man has ever seen. Determined not to make the same mistake, the next two men are careful, but it i…

Latvian man dies of hunger. He sees St Peter at Pearly Gate. St Peter give him bread and say, ""Struggle over now"". Man cry from happy. But, look again! St Peter is really devil, and bread have worm. Struggle continues.

A Christian and an atheist are waiting at a bus stop by a church. A Christian walks out of a church after a confession and goes over to the bus stop, where an atheist is already waiting for the bus. When the bus comes, they both get on and leave. The atheist is travelling to a secular charity convention, while the Christian is a rapist and child-killer whom just broke out of maximum security prison, and is now travelling to the border so he can leave the country. However partway through the trip…

Heavenly Christmas After an accident, three dead souls find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, ""How do these represent Christmas?"" The man responded, ""They're Carol's.""

A man dies and gets to the pearly gates At the pearly gates he is greeted by St. Peter who is standing next to a ladder that rises up into the clouds. ""Welcome,"" St. Peter said, ""to your great reward."" The newly deceased man stood speechless looking around, trying desperately to process and understand the reality of the view that stood before him. His eyes wandered over to the ladder. As he looked it up and down, St. Peter notices his fascination. He smiles and informs the man that he may en…

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie- Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie- Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln…

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, ""Heaven's a big place. I'll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon."" St. Peter calls up the second man. He says the same thing. He gives the man a midsize car, because the man was pretty faithful to his spouse. St. Peter calls up the third man. He repeats what he said befor…

The apostles fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane while Jesus was praying. Noticing that they fell asleep, Jesus woke up St. Peter. ""Huh? What? Oh, sorry, Lord, I forgot the coffee!""

A bad joke about religion. Johannes Gutenberg is tinkering in his shop when St. Peter walks in. ""Behold! My newest invention! The printing press!"" He proclaims. ""What does it do?"" St. Peter asks. ""It makes books easier to print! It only takes a single person to operate."" ""Have you no sense of compassion, Gutenberg? Think of all the poor scribes you'll put out of work!"" ""Nonsense, Pete. They'll have more time for studying instead of mindless scribbles."" ""That's all fine, Gutenberg,"" s…

Politician's Choice (X-Post from /r/politics comment) While walking down the street one day, a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to Heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in."" says the politician. ""Well, I'd like to but I have orders from…

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter explains that since Heaven is getting a bit crowded, he needs to make them take a final test before they can enter. ""If you can tell me something true about you, I let you in,"" says St. Peter. ""If you lie, you go to Hell."" The redhead, quite full of herself, goes first. ""I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."" ""That's not true,"" St. Peter says. ""Go straight to Hell."" The brunette, also p…

There was a support group for ugly people. and each month when they would meet, there would be a small bus to pick them all up and take them to the meeting. Well one stormy night after picking everyone up the bus driver lost control of the bus on a bridge and it plummeted into the water and all of those hideous ugly people drowned. So they go to heaven and St. Peter is there and he says ""Wow, you guys had it rough! I mean look at you!"" and then he says ""You know what? I am going to give each …