#peters

Johnson is a janitor for a big international company. One day, as Johnson is sweeping the floors in the lobby of the main headquarters for the company, George Bush enters the building as he has a meeting with the CEO. He meets the CEO in the lobby but before entering the conference room, he greets Johnson, ""Heeey Johnson! Nice to see you buddy!"" After the meeting, the CEO approaches Johnson and asks ""Hey, how do you know mr Bush?"" ""Oh, we go golfing some times. He's a pretty nice guy"". The…

Four Catholic men and one Catholic woman are sitting around having coffee..... Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square . The first Catholic man tells his friends, ""My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."" The second Catholic man chirps, ""My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."" The third Catholic gent says, ""My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and …

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, come hither!"" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, come hither!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and …

Advice for the new guy A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass,…

Dave is constantly bragging to everyone at work that he knows everyone in the world. Eventually, his boss has had enough of his shit, and tells Dave to prove it. So, Dave says ""sure, name someone, and I'll prove to you that I know them."" After a minute of thinking, the boss suggests Tom Cruise, and so off they go to see him. Once they arrive at Cruise's house, Dave knocks on the door, and is immediately buzzed in. Tom Cruise comes running down the stairs and says ""Dave old buddy, good to see …

Getting married in heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him. St. Peter replies, ""I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."" He leaves. The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to…

The New Priest Drinks Vodka A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his o…

Jesus Christ is covered in blood, dying on the cross.. his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, come hither!"" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, come hither!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier d…

Joke I heard today from the lady running my football pool: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you or someone you know would be interested and wanted to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.

Jesus on the cross Jesus Christ is nailed to the cross and the disciples are gathered around, crying. Jesus calls to Peter, ""Peter, come here!"" Peter goes over to the cross, only to be hit by the roman guards. He stands up and wants to return to the other disciples and Jesus calls to him again. ""Peter, come here!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and says if Peter comes back they will but his arms and legs off. Peter is getti…

Gary Smith is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary's factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question. 'Hey, but where is Gary Smith?' Everyone is taken by surprise, but they quickly go get Gary from the production lines of the factory. 'Hey Gary, good to see you,' says the CEO. 'Look, tonight there's this party at the hotel in…

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross... ... and his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter, looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, ""Peter, Peter, come!"". Peter rushes over to the cross, only to have his right arm cut off by the roman guard. He gets up and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, ""Peter, Peter, come!"" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's othe…

An engineer went to Hell... The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell. Satan quickly introduces himself. ""Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that."" The engineer thinks for a moment, a…

Jesus loves Peter After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. ""Peteeer....,"" he called through painful breaths, ""Peeteerr...."" Peter, the must …

Skills shortage in heaven Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; ""It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."" ""Yeah,"" Satan replies. ""All the more for me!"" God replies, ""You better send them up here immediately."" Satan says, ""No way. I'm keeping them."" God says, ""Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."" Satan laughs , ""Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, the new priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his of…

Three guys die and go to heaven... They are met at the Pearly Gates by, of course, St. Peter. ""Welcome welcome!"" he shouted as they approached ""It's so good to see you! Are you ready to enjoy your eternity in Heaven?"" ""Yes yes of course we are!"" all three guys shouted over top of each other. ""Great!"" says Peter. ""But before I let you in I need to go over a few things that have changed recently. Over the past few years we have seen an enormous increase in population and to deal with that…

Engineering in Hell Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; ""It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."" ""Yeah,"" Satan replies. ""All the more for me!"" God replies, ""You better send them up here immediately."" Satan says, ""No way. I'm keeping them."" God says, ""Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."" Satan laughs uproariously, ""Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?""

Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly p…

An old man dies and goes to heaven... He's standing there, knocking on the pearly gates, but unfortunately for him St Peter's on his lunch break. However, it just so happens that after a little while Jesus passes by. Being the helpful sort, he goes up to the gates and asks if he can help. ""Yes,"" says the old man, ""I've just died and I was hoping to see my son, who died before me."" ""I'll see what I can do."" says Jesus. ""Can I ask your name?"" ""Oh, it's Joseph."" replies the old man. ""OK,…

An Irish Catholic priest goes on a pilgrimage In a small village in Ireland, the priest from the local church was called upon to make a pilgrimage to the Vatican. As he was saying goodbye to his constituents, he was greeted by Patty and Maggie, the town's newest young couple. ""Please father,"" said Maggie, ""we've been having a bit of trouble having some children lately. We were wondering if, when you go on your pilgrimage, you wouldn't mind lighting a candle for us at St. Peter's Basilica, in …

Incredible Story of Dr. Davis and an Elephant In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Victoria University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his kn…

Jesus vs The Sea Jesus after just been crucified reappears to his disciples to tell them for their kindness he will grant them a single wish before he ascends into heaven. The disciples gather together to confer and after much discussion Peter says ""Can you do that walking on water thing again?"" ""It looked pretty sweet"". Jesus nods in agreement, the next day they set out onto the sea of Galilee in Peter's boat. They travel a few miles from shore before anchoring, then Jesus stands up smiles …

St Peter and heaven joke perfect for Feb. 2nd Three Italians, Luigi, Mario and Giuseppe, go to heaven. Saint Peter stops them at the gate and tells them they have to take a test before they can enter heaven. ""You must tell me about Easter."" St. Peter says. Luigi steps up. (All speaking in the typical Italians accent) ""I know all about Easter. That's when this big a fat a guy brings toys to all kids"" St. Peter's says ""not even close off to purgatory for you"" Mario steps up. ""Mario knows al…

It's an old joke, it's long, but it's one of my favorites. Dave and Mike are two friends and are hanging out, just talking and having a good time. Suddenly, the Prime Minister of Canada walks up to them with a huge smile on his face and says, ""Hey Dave! Long time no see!"" Mike is in shock and just listens to Dave and the PM chat, laugh and act lie they're old friends. After a bit, the PM says goodbye and walks off. ""You know the Prime Minister!?"" Mike asks. ""Of course,"" says Dave, ""We've …