#peters

The Haircut A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Ro…

Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square... The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say 'Hello Father!'" The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!" The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "Your Eminence!" The fourth priest looks at his fellows and says: "My son's the pope, when he walks into a room everyone says "Your Holi…

Engineer goes to Hell... The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell. Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that." The engineer thinks for a moment, an…

Jesus on the cross.. After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. "Peteeer", he called through painful breaths, "Peeteerr". Peter, the must loy…

The nervous priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the …

I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go. If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword …

Trying to help a friend I am trying to help a friend of mine who has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. The package includes box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation, but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 pm. Her name is Brenda. She'll be the one in the white dress.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following …

An Elephant Never Forgets In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after whic…

A new priest is nervous about mass. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10…

The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome... A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" "Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!…

A nervous young priest… is preparing for his first sermon. He goes to the elder bishop for advice, who tells him ‘Take a glass of vodka up with you, and every time you start to feel nervous, take a sip. Everyone will just think it’s water and it’ll help calm you down.’ The young priest follows the wise elders advice and delivers a truly impassioned sermon. When he gets back to his office, he finds a note from the bishop with some tips for the future. - Sip the vodka, don’t chug it. - There…

It's St Peter's day off and Jesus is manning the Pearly Gates... When an old man arrives seeking admission. Jesus starts running through the application form. "Name?" says Jesus in bored tone of voice. "Joseph." The old man replies. "Occupation?" Jesus drone on. "Carpenter." Jesus looks up a little surprised but he continues. "Children?" Jesus asks hopefully. "One boy" says the old man "but he was adopted really." Jesus can't believe his senses, could his earthly father look so different…

Infamous Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is stil…

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash… They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven. “Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter is, I will gladly open these gates for you.” The three monks look at each other and nod in agreement. Monk 1 proudly claims to Peter, “Oh! Yes! Easter! Big man, …

A priest passes away and goes to heaven… He arrives at St Peter’s gate and joins the back of the queue. Shorty after, Bob the bus driver passes away. St Peter sees Bob and waves at him - “Bob! Come on over! Please go through you’re very welcome and please enjoy heaven you deserve it!” The priest is flabbergasted and confused. He rushes towards St Peter. “Your holyness! I don’t understand. I have dedicated my entire life to God. How comes Bob gets to jump the queue before everybody else?” “We…

Three men are killed in a crash on Christmas Day and all find themselves at St. Peter's gate....

An alien vessel landed on St Peter's square An alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome.

The greatest joke I ever heard. So there's this long line outside of St. Peter's gate... St. Peter comes out and says ""Alright everyone... We are pretty full in heaven right now

Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square... The first priest says: ""My son's a priest

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back…

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The…