#virgin-mary

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin! It squashed all of my doubts... And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don't judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Virgin mary enters into heaven as soon as she gets in she notices a hot dog stand. She blushes and giggling says ""the holy spirit!""

Advice for the new guy A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass,…

Bill Clinton and The Pope Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked t…

The New Priest Drinks Vodka A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his o…

An American anthropology professor is lecturing on how to recognize the dominant features of a culture. ""It's quite simple,"" she says. ""Just look for the things to which, or for which, people make great sacrifices. In medieval Italy, look at how much money the people gave to the Catholic Church in their devotion to Jesus and the Virgin Mary. In pre-Columbian Mexico, look at the sacifice of humans on the Aztec altars of their gods. Even in modern India, look at the outrageous burdens placed on…

Bloody Mary used to be Virgin Mary.

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, the new priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his of…

Little Leroy Birthday. Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. ""Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."" Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him …

Bible Confusion The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young. Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild. Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths w…

What do Bristol Palin and the Virgin Mary have in common?

A sausage factory explodes... And one of the sausages hits a wandering angel. Puzzled by the object he goes to saint Peter and asks: ""Hey, Peter you have knowledge about the world of men , can you tell me what this is?"" Saint Peter takes the sausage , he looks at it for a while, tastes it, smells it and shurgs his shoulders. ""Take it to Virgin Mary she has lived in the world bellow more than any of us "" So the angel goes to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asks her to explain the obscure object. …

The priests first week at work (long but worth it) A priest begins the first day of his new job and is extremely nervous about speaking to the congregation. While giving his sermon his anxiety gets the best of him and he freezes. All of those people hanging on his every word, and all he can do is stutter. He gives up and walks back to his office to sulk. Later that day the head priest comes in his office with a bottle of vodka and says "" when I get nervous I sip some vodka, everyone thinks it's…

There is a little boy who wants a bike.. So he goes and asks his mom for a bike to which she replies that maybe if he prays, god will bring him a bike. So he sits down and writes Jesus a letter .."" Dear jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 1 year.."" He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees his mother's statue of Virgin Mary and suddenly feels guilty because he wont be able to avoid sin for that long. Defeated he heads back upstairs. So he sits down and writes Jesus…

The new priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he …

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God' he prayed 'I really want a car.' Jumping up and dashing to the window he saw that the driveway was empty. 'God' he prayed again 'I really NEED a car.' Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up ran into his parents' bedroom and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine then stuffed it inside a box at the very bo…

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes ""Dear baby Jesus I have been a good boy the whole year so I want a new..."" He looks at it then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again ""Dear baby Jesus I have been a good boy for most of the year so I want a new..."" He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room takes a statue of the Virgin…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the followi…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.... A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a …

The nervous priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the …

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following …

Little Carol... Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carol's mother, been a Christian woman, wanted he…

A new priest is nervous about mass. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10…

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your nigh…