#grace

Taking a picture of your meal before you eat is the new "saying grace."

*says grace before snorting a fat rail of cocaine*

Just saw a lady saying grace over her salad. Lettuce pray.

Flipped the entire family off while they had their eyes closed during grace.

Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram

5-year-old: Why don't we say Grace? Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

'Let's just agree to disagree.' -Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave. *Adds track star to resume*

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tomorrow. But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke. The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: ""one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."" The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls asleep. The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husba…

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. ""Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?"" The patient replies, ""Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."" The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. ""Hello …

Bagpipes at a Funeral As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the digg…

A blond, a brunette and a red head go hiking... and they decide to pull a prank on the blond. They go out and find a rabbit and gut it. The wait until the blond is going to take a crap and throw the rabbit intestines under the blond and run, trying to hold in their laughter. A couple minutes later they hear a blood curdling scream and soon after see the blond running towards them. ""Guys, you'll never believe it! I crapped my guts out, but with God's good grace and these 2 fingers I got them bac…

A close call. A man sits down in his chair then rips a huge fart. His wife says ""one of these days you're going to shit your guts out"". It becomes a habit that every time he passes gas she says ""one day you will shit you're guts out"" One day on Thanksgiving morning she decides she's had enough. She takes all the guts from the Turkey and sneeks them under the covers while her husband sleeps,then goes back to the kitchen to wait. After an hour or so she hears her husband scream then silence. H…

A (very) old stitch in time Best man goes to tailor for suit needed for following day's wedding. After many fittings both he and tailor at end of their patience. Final try-on goes as badly as those before. The man is upset the tailor determined. Awful fit,' says man. Perfect fit,' insists tailor as he pulls and pushes sleeves and shoulder pads. Lower your left shoulder an inch,' says the tailor. Man does but in doing so his right pants leg rides high over his shoe. No problem,' says tailor. Twi…

Apparently I'm still lost.... As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were onl…

Tried it in /funny, didnt work there so now Im trying it here :) Best joke I know First off, sorry for the shitty english, not a native... A guy have just been invited to his girlfriend for dinner and sleepover for the first time. Since theyve never done ""it"" he got really excited and thought that this would be the day he lost his virginity. So the day before the dinner he goes into an shop to buy some condoms. He picks one up and and since hes feeling slightly embarrased in front of the shopk…

Four Catholic men and one Catholic woman are sitting around having coffee..... Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square . The first Catholic man tells his friends, ""My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."" The second Catholic man chirps, ""My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."" The third Catholic gent says, ""My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and …

A teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots... He had asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, …

Advice for the new guy A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass,…

Two Scotsmen are sitting on a hill. They are drinking some beer and reminiscing about their youth. ""Macalister, look at our town, I've built a third of those building, so many would be homeless without my work, but do they call me Shamus the builder?"" ""No Shamus they don't."" Replied his friend. So they sit on the hill a while longer, sipping their beer. Till Shamus breaks the silence. ""Macalister, I go to church every Sunday, Tithed my wages, read the scripture nightly and say grace before …

Catholic woman talk about their The first Catholic woman tells her friends, ""My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him 'Father'."" The second Catholic woman chirps, ""My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."" The third Catholic woman says, ""My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."" The fourth Catholic woman then says, ""My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'…

A woman became tired of her husband farting in the bed... she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, l…

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden and he says, ""God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?"" God pauses for a moment, and says ""You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."" God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can la…

Don't fart in the bed... This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was co…

I was asked to play guitar and sing for a homeless man's funeral... The service was going to be held out in the middle of nowhere, and when I was on the way my gps got me lost. When I finally found the cemetery, it was too late, the cemetery workers were already digging the hole. I decided to sing my heart out to this homeless guy, after all he probably had no family or friends. I sang and played amazing Grace the best I could. The workers all took off their hats and came and stood around the ho…