#grace

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs... Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left…

A Rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash. A rabbi and a Priest get in a car crash. Miraculously they both escaped unscathed. The Rabbi looks to the priest and says ""surely this is a miracle by the grace of god don't you agree?"" The priest agrees with the Rabbi. ""Then surely you would agree God would want us to celebrate in friendship over this miracle?"" says the Rabbi. Again the priest agrees. ""Then let us celebrate,"" the priest says reaching into his wrecked car, ""with this bottle of vint…

An old couple were in bed one morning. (An old joke my dad used to tell) And like every other morning for the past 40 years, the old man lets rip a ground-shaking fart. His wife, growing tired of this, turns to him and says ""One day you're going to fart so hard you'll shit out your guts!"", to which the old man laughs. A few weeks later, the wife had got up especially early to prepare the sunday roast. As she was about to throw away the giblets, she had an idea and crept up to the bedroom where…

Lord is my Savior Father Jones was barely alive, clinging to the remaining wooden flanks of the sinking ship he was on. Rescue boats were busy rescuing other survivors in the ocean as soon as possible, but Father Jones wouldn't want any of that for himself. Being an ardent believer, he insisted *''Lord is my savior!''*, when a lifeboat came to rescue him. After almost an hour, another rescue boat came to search for anyone remaining alive, and they spotted Father Jones, who, as usual, insisted *'…

God' Good Grace Two hunters were in the woods sitting around a camp fire. The first hunter says to the other I think I heard something over there pointing into the woods. He leaves finds a deer and shoots it. He guts the dear right where he shot it, and heads back to camp. The second hunter decides he needs to take a shit and heads into the woods. About 10 minutes later he runs back into the camp screaming ""you'll never believe what happened, I shit out my guts!"" He holds up his pointer and in…

Four old ladies gossiping at church began bragging about their children... The first said, ""My son is a bishop! When people see him, they all say, *'Your Excellency'*."" The second smiled smugly. ""My son is an *arch*bishop! When he enters a room, everyone says, *'Your Grace'.* The third glanced dismissively at the others. ""Well *my* son is a cardinal. When people meet him, they all say, *'Your Eminence.'* The last old lady could barely contain herself. ""Well! *My* son is a 6-foot-4, blue-eye…

An atheist was... ..walking through the forest, admiring the beauty of nature when suddenly, a feral bear came out of nowhere. He ran away and the bear chased him into a corner. Just before the bear could attack him, the atheist yelled ""OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!"". Time stopped, the heavens opened and a voice came from heaven. God said ""I thought you didn't believe in me?"". The atheist replied ""I still don't...until you do something for me."" God entertained the atheist's request and asked if…

Shopping back then My pop was telling me about how back in the fifties you could get so much more from the shops. Het tells me ""we used to be able to go into grace brothers with ten dollars and come out with two pairs of socks, some new undies, a razor or two and a small bottle of aftershave."" But unfortunately as he tells me, ""you can't get that much for ten dollars anymore...there's too many security cameras""

Time is like a river You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arriv…

Turkey Dinner Surprise A husband and his wife had been married for over fifty years. They were desperately in love with each other. Neither one had any complaints about the other, except for one. Each morning, the husband would roll over and fart loudly as he woke up. The wife would exclaim, ""One of these days you're going to shit your guts out!"" Her husband would just laugh. One morning, the wife woke early to make a big turkey dinner. The husband was still asleep in bed. As she removed the t…

Bills wife asks him to take her brother bob hunting with him But bill knows bob has narcolepsy, but he does it anyway. Well bill takes bob out to the place where they will be hunting, he hands bob his rifle and tells him you go to the top of that hill and I'll go to the top of this hill. If you shoot and kill a deer I'll help you bring it out, and if I kill a deer you do the same. They take off their separate ways and get to where they will wait, and 20 minutes in bill sees this beautiful buck, …

A man dies and gets to the pearly gates At the pearly gates he is greeted by St. Peter who is standing next to a ladder that rises up into the clouds. ""Welcome,"" St. Peter said, ""to your great reward."" The newly deceased man stood speechless looking around, trying desperately to process and understand the reality of the view that stood before him. His eyes wandered over to the ladder. As he looked it up and down, St. Peter notices his fascination. He smiles and informs the man that he may en…

2 deer hunters go out one fall afternoon in to the forest to get in early for the evening hunt. After hours of hunting they finally kill a large buck. One of the men who was planning on using the bathroom at the campsite near their hunting area decides to take a dump in the woods. As he walks off the other hunter starts to field dress the deer when he thinks of the childish idea to place the intestines of the deer underneath his friend. using his sweet hunting sneak skills he drops off the organ…

A marooned Baptist is rescued by a ship. A Baptist has been stranded on a deserted island for two years. Upon being rescued, a sailor asks: ""You survived. Remarkable. How did you do it?"" The Protestant says, ""By the grace of God. Come, let me show you where I lived."" So the sailors and the castaway retreat into the jungle. After a short walk, the sailors and the shipwrecked man come upon three mud huts. The captain, suspicious that the castaway might not be telling the entire truth, asks: ""…

Male nurse Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. ""Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?"" The patient replies, ""Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."" The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. ""Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?"" T…

Bagpipes at a Funeral As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the digg…

Ole decides to take Sven hunting for the first time... They get up very early in the morning to head out, as hunters do. Sven said, ""Ole, you wait by dis der tree here, while I go down to da valley and flush out da deer. If you see a deer, you shoot it and I'll come. If you hear a gunshot over my way, you come over and help me drag 'er out."" Ole waited by the tree, and soon felt a rumbling in his stomach. Nature called, and he found a hollowed out log to sit on and do his business. Ole, being …

The new priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he …

Written on a desk at my school. Two hunters were walking in the woods. It was starting to get dark, so they decided to head back to camp. The first hunter said to the second hunter, ""Go on ahead, I have to take a dump"". So the second hunter heads back to camp, and on his way back he shoots a huge deer, and he runs back up the trail to find the first hunter squatting behind a stump, snoring loudly. The second hunter sneaks back to his kill and removes all its organs, carries them up the trail, …

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden... ... and he says, ""God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?"" God pauses for a moment, and says ""You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."" God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting …

There was once a man who woke up every morning and farted really loudly... Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust ""one of these days, you're going to fart your guts out"". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snu…

A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.

It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.

People Don't even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the corral, he explained, ""That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."" A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, ""That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."" That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, ""Will you please serve the turkey?"" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, ""If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!""