#grace

"The child returned to the sun" Around 1250, a merchant leaves France for a 2 years trip to the middle-east. When he comes back, his unfaithful wife had a son with a handsome young man of the city. Upon coming back home, the merchant sees the baby, who is obviously too young to be his own. He asks his wife: "My dear wife, please tell me whose son is this ? -Dear husband, last winter, during a snowy day, as I was wandering, sad and crying because you were absent, I looked up in the sky in praye…

Four Priests and a Woman Sit Down For Lunch around St. Peter's Square... The first priest says: "My son's a priest, whenever he walks in a room people say 'Hello Father!'" The second priest says: "My son's a bishop, whenever he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace!" The third priest says: "Well my son's a cardinal, whenever he walks into a room people say "Your Eminence!" The fourth priest looks at his fellows and says: "My son's the pope, when he walks into a room everyone says "Your Holi…

Do you fart in bed ? This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was c…

The nervous priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the …

Four older men are bragging about their sons The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency". The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace". The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence". "My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man. "And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'" ...told by my parish priest.

Time is like a river. Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop f…

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed... she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, l…

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left a…

CATHOLIC COFFEE BREAK Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, and everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he wal…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following …

A homeless mans funeral. As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only…

The Nervous Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. …

A new priest is nervous about mass. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1.There are 10…

Bagpiper A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area he became lost. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers fo…

One fine day, a fly was buzzing to and fro on a farm. As the day went on, he realized that he was getting hungry, so he fitted into the horse stables to find a bite to eat. A moment later he spotted an exquisite, freshly made horse apple... ... The fly zipped down toward the steaming pile of horseshit and landed right on the top. After saying his grace prayer to the great fly god for proving him this scrumptious meal, he dug in and just started gulping away at the beautiful turd before him. H…

Farts This is a story about Johnny and his wife Janne who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was Johnny’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water, and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was conce…

Two caterpillars are fleeing from a spider... They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped. "Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn…

A priest goes in a safari... A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion. Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christian moral and values!" A sound of trumpets echoes in the sky and a heavenly beam of light shines upon the lion, who now is able to speak. The lion: "Oh Lord, we give Thee th…

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip After a hearty meal and a good bottle of wine, they lay down to sleep. Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes his trusted companion and asks "Watson, what do you see?" Rubbing his sleepy eyes, Watson answers: "I see millions and millions of stars." "Correct, Watson, and what do you conclude from that?" Watson thinks for a moment and then answers: "Well, temporally I conclude it is about 03:30 AM, astrologically I conclude th…

Bagpipes Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.…

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go. "You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in exchange for your brother." "Whatever it is you want, witch, state it." "I want you to marry me, to make me your bride, from now until death…

Bagpiper A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends... The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost. He finally arrived an hour late... He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the wo…

a 17 year old and a pharmacist A 17-year-old walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I've been invited to dinner at my new girlfriend's house. After that, I hope it comes to the extreme, if you understand ..." The pharmacist says, "I understand. I suppose you could use condoms? Here's a pack for you." The young man thanks him and pays. On his way out the door, he stops, smiles mischievously, walks back and says, "You know, the mother is quite a sweeper, too. I think I'll take another…

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit are in a car wreck They are rushed to the hospital where it becomes clear that the priest and the pastor will need blood to survive. The priest has blood type A, while the pastor has type B. By the grace of God they are saved, as type Os can donate to both.

By the grace of god A woman suffered her husbands loud