The New Priest Drinks Vodka A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: *Sip the vodka; don't gulp.* *There are 10 commandments, not 12.* *There are 12 disciples, not 10.* *Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.* *Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not ""bet his ass.""* *We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.* *The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.* *David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.* *When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.* *We don't refer to the cross as the ""Big T.""* *When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, ""Take this and eat it for it is my body."" He did not say ""Eat me.""* *The Virgin Mary is not called ""Mary with the cherry.""* *The recommended grace before a meal is not ""Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.""* *There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.*