#jesuss

The Walking Dead is Jesus's favorite show.

Just found out that "3 Men and a Baby" isn't a movie about Jesus's birth.

The hay in baby Jesus's manger came from Christian Bales.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you

Goldberg opens a hardware store. To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: ""They used Goldberg's nails."" His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, ""You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"" So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: ""They didn't use Goldberg's nails.""

Clocks in Heaven A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. ""Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once."" She is amazed at this and goes looking. She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at…

An old man has been waiting in line to get into heaven for so long, that when the time came for his name to be looked up in the big book, he couldn't remember it St. Peter was a bit frazzled and could not figure out what to do. So he calls Jesus over to help him out. Jesus begins to ask the man some questions in order to jog his memory in hopes to find his name. Jesus: ""did you have any children?"" Man: ""just one...a wonderful boy."" Jesus: ""hmm, alright let's press on. What was your occupati…

God judges Satan vs Jesus in computer programming war. God tells Satan and Jesus they are supposed to create the perfect computer program. Satan starts off strong and within the first fifteen minutes has the rough architecture of his program figured out and designed. 30 minutes in and Satan is cruising along. Satan is getting all the layers the way he wants them and is getting ready to put the finishing touches on his program. As Satan is polishing off his program at the 45 minute mark the power…

Peter is staring up at Jesus on the cross. Suddenly their eyes meet and Jesus calls out, ""Peter! Peter!"" Peter runs to the foot of the cross but he is beaten and forced back by the Roman guards. Once again he looks up when he hears his savior cry, ""Peter. Peter."" Jesus's voice is much weaker now and that spurs Peter up the hill to the foot of the cross where he is again beaten and forced back down the hill. ""Peter... Peter."" The voice is very weak now and in desperation Peter fights his wa…

A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln's …

So these three blondes die trying to jump the Grand Canyon... Fortunately for them, they were all Christians, so they went straight up to Heaven and met Saint Peter at the gate. He put down his newspaper and greeted the women with a smile. ""Alright ladies, I have no problem letting you into Heaven, but you need to answer me one simple question- what is Easter?"" ""Oh that's easy!"" The first blonde steps forward ""It's that holiday when the Pilgrims came to America and we celebrate all of our b…

A man died and went to heaven As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, ""What are all those clocks?"" St. Peter answered, ""Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."" ""Oh,"" said the man, ""whose clock is that?"" ""That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."" ""Incredible,"" said the man. ""That's Abraham Lincoln's …

A Man Dies A man dies and goes to heaven, and as he passes the gates a wall of clocks emerge. St. Peter appears, ""Welcome to heaven!"" he exclaims, the man still confused by the clocks asks, ""What are all these clocks doing in heaven?"" St. Peter explains, ""These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move one notch."" The man intrigued, points and asks, ""Whose clock is that?"" St. Peter replies, ""That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has no…

Jesus loves Peter After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him. He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter. ""Peteeer....,"" he called through painful breaths, ""Peeteerr...."" Peter, the must …

Heaven's Clocks A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. ""Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once."" She is amazed at this and goes looking. She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at …

A man dies and goes to heaven.. As he stood in front of st. Peter at the pearly gates he noticed a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asks ""what are those clocks for?"" St.peter replied ""those are lie clocks everyone on earth has one, every time you tell a lie the minute hand moves."" ""Oh"" said the man ""who's clock is that?"" ""That's mother Teresas, the hands have never moved."" ""Incredible"" said the man, ""And that's Abraham Lincolns, his has only moved twice."" ""Where's Obama's?"" Ask…

Three guys named Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses go out upon the sea, upon a boat... The boat rocks gently side-to-side. They each think for a moment how best to catch fish. Jesus decides to reveal his divinity, and so he climbs out of the boat and runs around catching the fish in a big sphere. Moses recognizes Jesus's divinity and decides to show his own heavenly credentials. Moses stretches his arms upward and the waters pull apart in a big column, setting the boat softly down, and the fish fall ou…

What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)

Have you seen Jesus's abs?!! He must be doing that Cross-Fit workout!

So Messi, Ronaldo, and Ibrahimovic arrive at the pearly white gates... There to meet them is St. Peter, who informs them that they may pass through but their judgement is to be carried out in front of Jesus. At last they reach Jesus, who says the following... ""Messi my child, you were always good to the poor and those less fortunate. Here, I have a seat on my right hand side for you"" and gestures for Messi to come take a seat. ""Ronaldo my son, though you were at times arrogant your heart is g…

St Peter and heaven joke perfect for Feb. 2nd Three Italians, Luigi, Mario and Giuseppe, go to heaven. Saint Peter stops them at the gate and tells them they have to take a test before they can enter heaven. ""You must tell me about Easter."" St. Peter says. Luigi steps up. (All speaking in the typical Italians accent) ""I know all about Easter. That's when this big a fat a guy brings toys to all kids"" St. Peter's says ""not even close off to purgatory for you"" Mario steps up. ""Mario knows al…

1st Choices Coworker (R): So a boy I like told me I was his second choice... Me: I'm sorry to hear that! R: Well at least Jesus is my first choice (sarcastic) Me: Well who is Jesus's first choice? R: Mary probably. Me: Who is Mary's first choice? R: Go- Me: Clearly not Jospeh!

Why couldn't Jesus's eat m&m's? They kept falling threw the holes in his hands.

A man dies and goes to Heaven... He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

Difference's Between two Jesus's What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and actual Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.