#marys

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary's and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Little Mary never did very well in church. She would always fall asleep when the priest was speaking. One day, while Mary was happily sleeping, the Priest said ""Mary, who created the Earth as we know it""? The little boy behind Mary got bored, took out a pin, and poked Mary with it in the back. Mary jolted awake and screamed ""Oh good Lord""! ""Good job""! said the priest. A little later, the Priest asked sleeping Mary ""Mary, who was born on December 25th and is celebrated for Christmas?"". Th…

which organ of the human body expands to 10 times Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: ""Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. ""Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. ""How dare you ask such a question?"" she says. ""I'm going to complain to …

Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid. St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa. Just go there, get married and you're done.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, ""I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."" The other guy responds proudly, ""Yes, that I am!"" The first guy says, ""So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"" The other guy answers, ""I'm from Dublin, I am."" The first guy responds, ""Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"" The other guy says, ""A lovely little a…

My Friend is a Die-Hard Cubs Fan... He won two tickets to Saturday's World Series game at Wrigley Field, but that day is the same day as his wedding, so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go in his place: it's at St. Mary's Church at 6pm. Her name is Ashley, she'll be the one in the white dress.

A Young Man in Confessional A young man walks into confessional. Tommy: ""Bless me father for I have sinned. I've been with a loose woman."" Priest: ""Is that you, Tommy? Who was it then?"" Tommy: ""I can't tell you father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."" Priest: ""Was it Brenda?"" Tommy: ""No, Father"" Priest: ""Was it Fiona?"" Tommy: ""No."" Priest: ""Mary, then?"" Tommy: ""No no."" Priest: ""Very well then. Say five 'Our Fathers' and four 'Hail Marys."" Tommy went back to his pew. His …

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: ""Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. ""Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. ""How dare you ask such a question?"" she says. ""I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, wh…

Mary Had a Little Lamb She also had a bear. I've seen Mary's little lamb. But, I've never seen her bear.

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another guy. The first guy says, ""That's a familiar accent you got there, where ya from?"" The other guy says ""I'm Irish"". First guy says ""I'm Irish too! Where did you live in Ireland?"" The second guy says ""Dublin"". First guy:""Me too! When did you graduate?"" SG:""1978. What about you?"" FG:""I graduated in '78 too. Where'd you go to school?"" SG:""Saint Mary's. and you?"" FG""I went to Saint Mary's too!"" About that time, a new person walk…

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, ""What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, ""You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, ""Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?""Little Mary's mouth fell open. Th…

A man is struck by a bus... on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. ""A priest! Somebody get me a priest!"" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. ""A PRIEST, PLEASE!"" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.""Mr. Policeman,"" says the man, ""I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fif…

I knew they weren't fooling around Little Sameer was failing in maths. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School. ""Those nuns are tough"" they said. Sameer was soon enrolled at St. Mary's. After school on the very first day Sameer ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread al…

So this new priest is filling in.... So this new priest is filling in while the regular one is on vacation. He has a list of penances he can give out during confession. The first few confessions are easy. Ten hail Mary's for cheating on a test, 15 our fathers for forgetting lying, etc. Then a woman comes in and confesses to giving a blow job to a man she just met. The priest cannot find it on his list so he leans out and asks for help from the altar boy. He whispers, ""What does the priest norma…

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks the man what he'll have to drink. Man replies, ""I'll take a Guinness."" The man looks down the row of the bar to see two drunk men being very loud. He hears the first man say to the other man, ""Aye, I like your accent. Where are you from?"" The second man replies, ""Me? I'm from Ireland."" to which the first man replies ""No way, I'm from Ireland too. Bartender 2 shots of Jameson and 2 Guinnesses"" The men share their drink toget…

Two men walk into a bar.. And after a few rounds the first man turned to the second and asked, ""where you from?"" The second man replied, ""Ireland!"" Excited, the first man said, ""bloody hell, thats whers I'm from, lets have a toast to Ireland!"" After a few more rounds, the first man turned to second and asked, ""where in Ireland are ya from?"" To which the second replied, ""Dublin mate."" Once again, the first man excitedly said, ""bloody hell, that's where I'm from, lets have a toast to Du…

Shore Leave Late one night, an internist receives a call from an unknown number. Remembering his oath, he answers and finds an old raspy woman on the line, the Madame of the local bordello, who begs him to help. Down at the wharf he finds the Madame completely confused and scared pointing at her girls who are all visibly ill. Examining the first girl he finds her dizzy and nauseous, but none the worse for wear. The second is similar, though she seemed a bit dehydrated. A third however was extrem…

1st Choices Coworker (R): So a boy I like told me I was his second choice... Me: I'm sorry to hear that! R: Well at least Jesus is my first choice (sarcastic) Me: Well who is Jesus's first choice? R: Mary probably. Me: Who is Mary's first choice? R: Go- Me: Clearly not Jospeh!

British Redneck Joke Bubba Windsor and Earl Spencer had just finished a leisurely tour of The Fitzwilliam Museum at Grove Lane and a gourmet repast at Loch Fyne Restaurant Ltd. on Trumpington St. On this fine afternoon they were proceeding northwest toward King's Parade and their destination, St Catherine's College of Cambridge University in order to attend a lecture by Malcolm Longair, CBE FRS on astrophysical cosmology. As the two foppish gentlemen strolled they discussed Einstein's concern wi…

A horse named Mary There is a number of surrealistic Russian jokes about the Wild West. Let me translate and post one. A cowboy and a young woman are riding in a stagecoach. The cowboy is holding a burlap sack. The young woman says, ""Something smells so bad!"" ""It is a long and sad story. I had a loyal horse named Mary who saved my life more than once. ""Once in the prairie, I awakened from Mary's neighing and saw three pairs of burning eyes in front of me. I reached for my faithful Smith&…

A priest goes to visit an older member of his congregation at her house. He knocks on her door and she invites him in with a big smile on her face. ""Father Johnson! It's so nice to see you here!"" says the old lady. ""To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"" ""Well, Mrs. Smith, I've been preaching sermons at St. Mary's for 35 years and not once did you miss any of them until last month. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you,"" said the priest. ""Oh, I'm fine,"" replied t…

The husband and the horse. The husband seated, reading his newspaper when his wife, furious, came from the kitchen and hits him in the head with a skillet . Startled, he gets up and asks: - Why did you do that? She responds: - I found this is the piece of paper in your pants with Mary's name and number. - Honey, remember the day I went to the horse racing? Yeah ... Mary was the horse I bet on, and the number was how much they were paying for the bet. The woman then left asking for apologies... D…

An amateur group of Islamic film makers have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ. It is believed to be so offensive that St Mary's church in Dublin have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy O'Neill from Dinlge has written a strongly worded letter. When will the madness end?

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward that meant a successful joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to ""survey"" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo and in her excitement she forgot to t…

eer booze and fun!' 'A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 'Why of course' comes the reply. The first man then asks 'Where are you from?' 'I'm from Ireland' replies the second man. The first man responds by saying 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.' 'Of course' replies the second man. Curious the first man then asks 'Where in Ireland are you from?' 'Dublin' comes the reply. 'I can't believe it' says the …