#mrs-smith

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Missing some parts (not for the easily offended) A couple are in a hospital waiting to see their newly born child for the first time, when the doctor comes in and says; ""I'm afraid I've got some bad news."" The couple look shocked. ""Your baby seems to be missing some parts; follow me."" The couple follow the doctor down the hall into a room of newly born babies. First, they approach a baby with no arms. The wife screams, ""Oh God! Is this my baby?"" The doctor says, ""no, keep following"". Nex…

Mrs. Smith is having trouble with her husband falling asleep in church... ... and it was really embarrassing for her to be seen with him constantly nodding off. So Mrs. Smith asks the preacher before Sunday service if he has any ideas for her. He thinks about it, then hands her a pin and says, ""Every time I signal you with this gesture, poke your husband with this pin."" Mrs. Smith acknowledged his instructions and sat down with her husband for the service. Shortly into the sermon, Mr. Smith ha…

The Surrogate The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been ex…

The classroom was silent. Mrs Smith was handing out to students their last homework sheet. As she did it, she wrote the word plenipotentiary on the whiteboard. Then she turned around and said, "" Attention boys and girls. This word is almost hardest English word in the world. So, your job is to put this word into a sentence. I'll give you an example for flower. ""In the middle of the circle was a large teardrop shaped flower garden"". You see? Nice and easy. Now, whoever made a sentence for the …

Drawing game Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it. She thinks and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always has some ""unusual"" pictures in mind. So she starts with Anne. Anne: ""This is our house"". /\ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | | Teacher: ""Good Anne!"" and asks Peter to draw next: Peter: ""This is our house's door"". /\ / \ / \ / \ | | |…

Hi Mrs. Smith ... can Johnny come out and play baseball with us? Oh you mean little boy ... you know Johnny is a quadraplegic ! Yes I know Mrs. Smith. We want to use him for home plate !

CHIVALRY The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. ""Your Honor,"" he said, ""my client sincerely believes his wife is being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry--on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."" ""Counselor,"" replied the judge, ""I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith i…

The Purple Butterflies Timmy was on his way to school one bright summer day and had a giant smile on his face. His parents watched from the doorway, waving, and smiling as there son disappeared into this distance. On his way he meets up with his friends and they all begin talking. He looks over and sees a purple butterfly flying around for a moment, before disappearing behind some bushes. The bell rings and he runs inside. ""How are you Timmy?"" Lucy asks him. ""Good,"" he grins. ""Have you ever…

Vocabulary lesson Every Tuesday Mrs. Smith teaches her third grade class a new vocabulary word. This weeks word is ""definitely."" ""Can any of you use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"" A small hand goes up in the front of the class, and little Susie says, ""The sky is definitely blue!"" ""Close"" replies the teacher, ""but sometimes the sky is orange, or purple, or even pink. Anyone else? Another small hand goes up, and billy says, ""The tree is definitely green!"" ""Close"" replies the te…

The Preacher's Sermon One Sunday morning, a young, newly-graduated pastor preached his first sermon at the local church, and he felt the message was particularly powerful and compelling. Putting his whole heart into the delivery, he expounded upon the theological viewpoint that was the basis of his message. After the sermon, the young preacher stood at the door, shaking people's hands as they left. As he shook the hand of elderly Mrs. Smith, who'd been waiting for some time to hear his first ser…

The piano tuner Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Oppernockity. He arrived 2 days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left. Shortly after that, Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about the tuning and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem. However, the tuner replied, ""I'm sorry ma'am, but Oppernockity only tunes…

The Smiths were unable to conceive children... and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ""I'm off. The man should be here soon"" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ""Good morning, madam. I've come to...."" ""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"" Mrs. Smith cut in. ""Really?"" the photographer asked. ""Well, …

A priest goes to visit an older member of his congregation at her house. He knocks on her door and she invites him in with a big smile on her face. ""Father Johnson! It's so nice to see you here!"" says the old lady. ""To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"" ""Well, Mrs. Smith, I've been preaching sermons at St. Mary's for 35 years and not once did you miss any of them until last month. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you,"" said the priest. ""Oh, I'm fine,"" replied t…

Call from the doctor's office ""Mrs. Smith, this the your family doctor's office. When we sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."" ""What do you mean?"" Mrs. Smith asks nervously. ""Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."" ""That's drea…

Mrs Smith & The Expert. The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, ""I'm off. The expert should be here soon."" Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell. Mrs. Smith: ""Good morning."" Salesman: ""Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."" Mrs. Smith: (Interrupting) ""No need to explain, I've been expecting you."" S…

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ""I'm off. The man should be here soon"". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ""Good morning madam. I've come to......"" ""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"" Mrs. Smith cut in. ""Really?"" the photographer asked. ""Well, goo…

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, ""I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."" ""What do you mean?"" ""Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't t…

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, ""I'm very sorry, sir, but we've had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"" ""What do you mean?"" said Mr. Smith. ""Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith h…

Mrs. Smith: Help me doctor! My son John swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

Mrs Smith the biology teacher was very fond of fish. She was also rather deaf which was great for the children in her class. ""What Mrs Smith needs"" said one of her colleagues ""is a herring-aid.""

Why did you drop the baby? Well Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby so I wanted to see if he did.

Go tell Mrs. Smith . . . Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife? They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make …

i just crashed my car in a lane between two houses, owned by mr and mrs ball, and one owned by mr and mrs smith thank god i was dragged out by the smiths

Bob was a carpet installer and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants. As Bob was going through all his pockets thinking "crap - where the hell are they??" he looked down and notice a lump under the carpet - a single pack-sized lump in the sea of smooth white. "oh…