#mr-jones

Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana? "No!" Oh really. And what's your first name? "Indiana" [jury gasps]

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup... ... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news. ""Whats the worse news?"" ""You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."" Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, ""And the bad news?"" ""you have Alzheimers."" Mr. Jones frowns and says, ""well, at least I don't have cancer.""

This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet... The vet takes one look and says, ""I'm afraid your parrot is dead."" ""That's terrible,"" says the guy, ""How can you so sure? I'd like a second opinion."" The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up and whines sadly. ""I'm afraid it's confirmed"" says the vet. The guy looks at the vet and says ""But my 5 year old daughter loves this parrot! Please! Are …

Little Johnny missed schoool today... Little Johnny missed school today, so not wanting to miss his after school band rehearsal he decided to call the front office. ""Hello this is Johnny I missed school today, what time will band rehearsal be today?"" The secretary on the line answered, ""I'm sorry Johnny, you must not have heard, Mr. Jones had a heart attack and died there will be no band rehearsal."" Little Johnny said ""Thank you."" then hung up. A few minutes later the secretary hears the p…

Mr. Jones falls asleep in church. Mr. Jones keeps falling asleep in church, and Mrs. Jones is not to happy with this. So one day she makes an appointment with the pastor and sits down with him to discuss it. She says to him, ""pastor I am getting tired of Mr. Jones falling asleep during church there has got to be something we can do about it?"" The pastor thinks and replies ""yes I have an idea leave it up to me I will give you the signal and you take this hat pin and poke him when I give you th…

I've been watching you urinate in the pool.. Lifeguard: I've been watching you, Mr. Jones, and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool. Mr. Jones: But everybody urinates in the pool. Lifeguard: From the diving board?

New Lawyer After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. ""Show him right in!"" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it "" ...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"" Slamming the phone down he …

The Joneses and the Whitneys decide to go swinging... They go to a cabin motel, each couple gets a cabin, and after a good supper in a nearby restaurant and a camp fire, they all go to bed in their cabins. The next morning, Mr Jones wakes up and says: ""Hmmm, that was a good night. Let's go see how the wives are doing""...

Wake Mr Jones One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. ""Reverend,"" she said, ""I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"" ""I have an idea,"" said the minister. ""Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."" In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed of…

A lawyer walks into a bar... Mr. Jones, the lawyer, walked into a bar. The bartender poured him a drink, then noticed Mr. Jones had a black eye. ""What happened to you?"" asked the bartender. ""You look like you've been in a fight."" ""It's been just an awful day at work, I tell you what."" said Mr. Jones. ""I don't even work in workplace discrimination -- that's Mr. Baskett's specialty. Everyone knows I do divorce proceedings. But here comes this lady into my office, ranting till her face is bl…

Rowboat Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. Fred Jones was married, and Frank Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that Fred Jones' wife died the same day that Frank's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kind old lady met Frank and thought he was Fred. She said, ""Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible"". Frank smiled and said, ""Well, I am not a bit sorry, she …

One my grandmother told me . . . Little Susie's mother was sending her to the corner grocery store. ""Ask for a pound of dried peas,"" she said. ""And don't forget to ask Mr. Jones how his wife is feeling. She had a bad fall last week."" So Little Susie walks to the grocery repeating to herself, ""A pound of dried peas, and how is your wife feeling? A pound of dried peas and how is your wife feeling?"" So she finally gets to the grocery store and goes up to Mr. Jones behind the counter. ""Well h…

Go tell Mrs. Smith . . . Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife? They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make …

My favorite joke!(sorry if its been posted before) So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Jones had the longest private part he had ever seen. "I'm sorry Mr. Jones," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools …

I'll just apologise right now... A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time." The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that, Mr Jones?" "I keep veering to the left, then to the right." "I shouldn't worry about that," replies the doctor. "Those are just side effects..."

Anti Sleep Treatment One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed …

Accountant Joke The CEO of a large corporation called his directors for a meeting. He asked the director of development, "Mr. Jones, what is two plus two?" Mr. Jones, looking a bit confused, replied, "Two plus two is four, Sir." The CEO said, "Ya, that\`s what I thought you would say." Then he asked the marketing director, "Mrs. Schmitt, what is two plus two?" Mrs. Schmitt, also looking confused, replied, "Jones is right, Sir. Two plus two is four." The CEO said, "Hmmm..." Then he asked…

Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith Two men of a certain age, Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith, would often meet at the local town park where they would sit on a bench and feed the pigeons. They became friends. One day when they met, Mr. Jones was very happy and excited and asked Mr. Smith \- “Have you ever tried Viagra?” Mr. Smith: “No”. Mr. Jones: \- “It’s amazing. I just started taking Viagra and I haven’t felt this good in some time. I feel like I am 20 years old again.” Mr. Smith: “I’ll try it.” Se…

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital

Mr. Jones and me While examining the the body of Mr. David Jones

A Terrible car accident... Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife’s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital

OK Reddit, whats the best 9/11 Joke You've Ever Heard? i'll start it off: What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones’ head when he was working on the World Trade Center’s 90th floor? A: The 91st floor.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. hen I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the p…

A new patient arrived at the local health centre and the receptionist was taking down some details. “What is your age Mr. Jones?” she enquired. “I'm not telling you” came the reply. “We need to know for our records” said the receptionist sternly. “Okay, take the number 26 and double it and then add 14” said Mr. Jones.” ”That equals 66” said the receptionist. “Now take 66 away from that figure and what do you have?”" Mr. Jones retorted. “Zero” said the receptionist looking rather puzzled. “Exactl…