#murphy

A pint Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage, Murphy says ""Are you mad? Now we'r skint!"" ""Come on"" says Paddy, ""follow me"". They go into the pub, order 2 pints and drink them before paying. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans, and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out. 10 pubs and 10 pints later, Murphy says ""I can't do this any more my knees are sore …

Helping The Doctor A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant. ""Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients"". ""Yes, sir!"" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: ""So,Murphy, how was your day?"" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. ""The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."" ""Br…

Both of them? Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, ""Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs an get me slippers?"" ""No bother,"" he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. ""Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."" ""Fook off you liar!"". ""I'll prove it,"" Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, ""Both of them, Paddy?"" ""Of course, what's the use of fookin'…

Irishman needs a hat... Sol Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass the priest caught up with him & said, ""Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"" Murphy said, ""I got to be honest with you Father a while back I misplaced me hat & I really really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday . I also knew tha…

The Irish Sinner Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, ""Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"" Murphy said, ""I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to …

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, ""I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."" The other guy responds proudly, ""Yes, that I am!"" The first guy says, ""So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"" The other guy answers, ""I'm from Dublin, I am."" The first guy responds, ""Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"" The other guy says, ""A lovely little a…

two men are sitting in a bar One of them looks at the other and says ""you look familiar... whe're you from?"" The second man replies ""Ireland"" The first man look astonished and says "" No way I'm from Ireland me self , what a small world!"" The second man then looks at the first ""What city?"" The first man says ""Doublin?"" The second man looks astonished ""No way I'm from doublin me self ! What a small world"" The first man looks at the second man ""What school you go to?"" The second man r…

The Irish Spy A Russian agent is told he is to be sent on a Top Secret mission, where he will rendezvous with Murphy, the Irish spy on the shore of County Donegal. He is told that when he meets Murphy the code phrase is 'The Sun rises slowly over Moscow'. The next morning the agent is delivered, at 5 am, on the shore of county Donegal, the submarine disappears into the Atlantic. The agent looks around but Murphy is nowhere to be seen, the agent then happens to look up on the road and sees a man …

Paddy And Murphy Are In The Pub Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, ""Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?"" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, ""That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!""

Two Irishmen are looking for a job. They come across a sign, that reads, ""Tree Fellers"". Pat and Murphy look at each other and exclaim, ""If only Seamus was here, we would've had the job!""

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, ""Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"" Murphy said, ""I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off …

Paddy and Murphy walk into a bar... Hand in hand

What ringtone have you got? Murphy asked Paddy, ""What ringtone have you got?"" Paddy said, ""I've never really looked, but probably light brown

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said: 'Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?' Murphy said, ""I got to be honest with you Father. I misplaced me hat & I really really love that hat. McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figur…

Irish Triplets Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!' 'Ain't dat grand!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She is a pretty li…

Murphy... ...had had a very rough life. He was orphaned at the age of four, and was physically abused at every foster home he lived in. When he made it to high school, he was determined to study hard and make something of himself. But he was a sickly boy, and missed so much school that he didn't graduate. He worked several low-paying jobs and got fired from every one. Every friend he made ended up stabbing him in the back. Every time he moved one step forward, he fell two steps back. Finally, li…

Paddy and Murphy are sitting by a river in the jungle when they spot someone's head sticking out of a crocodile's mouth. Paddy turns to Murphy and says, ""Look at that posh bastard in his Lacoste sleeping bag!""

Paddy and Murphy find a mirror. Paddy picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy "" that bloke looks really familiar "". Murphy grabs it off him "" Its me you idiot ""

Murphy asked Paddy... Murphy asked Paddy, ""What ringtone have you got?"" Paddy said, ""I've never really looked, but probably light brown

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street, paddy falls over, paddy says 'Murphy, call me an ambulance' Murphy says.. PAAAADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, ""I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."" The troops started cheering at the news. ""Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy...""

Murphy and his wife a middle-aged couple went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment she nudged her husband and whispered ""Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."" Murphy said ""Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.""

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it he turned to the agent and asked ""Have I got all ye say there?"" The agent said ""Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"" Replied Murphy ""Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with.""

Murphy said to his daughter ""I want you home by eleven o'clock."" She said ""But Father I'm no longer a child!"" He said ""I know that's why I want you home by eleven.""

Paddy and Murphy ...are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.