#paddy

Both of them? Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, ""Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs an get me slippers?"" ""No bother,"" he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds. ""Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."" ""Fook off you liar!"". ""I'll prove it,"" Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, ""Both of them, Paddy?"" ""Of course, what's the use of fookin'…

Irish joke Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet. ""I think it's got epilepsy"" he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says ""It seems calm enough to me"". Paddy says, ""I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"".

Paddy And Murphy Are In The Pub Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, ""Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?"" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, ""That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!""

Paddy and Michael are out walking when Paddy falls down a well.... Michael shouts down ""Paddy! have you broken anything???"" Paddy replies ""No! there's nothing down here to break!""

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says ""You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"" Paddy replies ""OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."" Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ""Shoite"" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. ""Shoite, Shoite!"" He looks to the doorway…

Birth Control After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up …

Irish joke Paddy an Mick are sitting at the bus stop. They see a truck drive by loaded with turf. Paddy says to Mick 'That's while I'll do when I'm rich Mick' Paddy; 'Whats that Mick?' Mick; 'Send me grass away to get cut'

the real people to blame for 911 I heard it was two irish carpenter s paddy and mick fitting doors on the 60th floor paddy told mick to get a plain n take some of the top. Mick misinterpreted

This is the first joke I've ever written. Ol' Paddy walked into the bar, long faced and sullen, after a long day of working on his farm. The bartender asked him, ""Usual whiskey, Paddy?"" ""Not today, John,"" Paddy said. ""The wife has been bleating about wanting another kid, so she's forbidden me from drinking before the deed is done."" ""Well, at least you've got a good shag ahead of you tonight,"" John said. ""But that's just it, I don't know if I can afford another one. The food, the medicin…

Paddy English-man, Paddy Irish-man and Paddy Scottish-man are all having lunch on a very high girder... Paddy English-Man opens his Sandwich and says: ""Egg and onion again? I told my wife I hate egg and onion. If she makes me these one more time I'm going to jump off this girder to my death."" Paddy Scottish-man opens his Sandwich and says: ""Cheese and Tomato again? If this happens again I'm going to jump too"" Paddy Irish-man opens his sandwich also and says ""Turkey and Ham? one more time an…

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street, paddy falls over, paddy says 'Murphy, call me an ambulance' Murphy says.. PAAAADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!

Paddy says to Mick, ""Christmas is on a Friday this year"".... Mick says ""Let's hope it's not the 13th.""

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "" You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, ""OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."" Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ""Shoite"" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ""Shoite, Shoite!"" He looks to the doorway and thinks…

Paddy and Murphy ...are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face. "I'm English..." Said the Englishman. The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..." The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..." "Paddy..." Replies the Irishman. "Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest. The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies, "S…

A little Irish humor Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko…

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." ”Bugger that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Paddy the irishman gets a job Paddy and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles. After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday. paddy says "2" "2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day" "yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out of the ground"

A farmer named Paddy had an accident... He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of…

Paddy had been drinking Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He loo…

Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave. Paddy says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?" Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing. Paddy says to Murphy "This match doesn't work." "That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."

Irish Car Accident A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at …

Irish Tenacity Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day. In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’  Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’ Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’ The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘Y…

I’m ready for a holiday. Paddy says to Mick, “I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll bloody take her with me!"

A little Irish math test Paddy wants a job