#johns

The Test John was very happy to be meeting his fiance's parent's for the first time. They agreed to meet at his house then drive to the local steakhouse. John arrived at the house on time and knocked on the door. His soon to be father in law answered it with a stern look on his face. John was invited in and was introduced to his future mother in law as well. John knew his fiance was already at the steakhouse waiting for them all to get there, so he suggested on leaving. The father in law asked J…

Old Butch -the Rooster John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency re…

The Parrot Another Funny Chain Letter.. * The Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to ""clean up"" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot…

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' …

Unemployment Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off. So they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, ""Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."" The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him 80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next and when asked his occupation, he replied,""Diesel fitter."" Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the cl…

Mom & the gravy ladle. John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, ""I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."" About a week later, Julie came to John and said, ""Ever sin…

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent. On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided…

War has broken out.... War has broken out and conscription is enforced. John's birthday is called and he is summoned for basic training. Once he completes his training, he is sent straight to the front. Upon arriving, he finds out that there is a shortage of weapons. His commanding officer tells him that it's ok, because they have come to an agreement with the enemy, and whoever raises their finger guns first and says ""bang, bang"", the other soldier will fall to the ground as if they were dead…

Jack strode into John's Stable' looking to buy a horse... Jack strode into John's Stable' looking to buy a horse. ""Listen here"" said John, ""I've got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn't go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, ""fine with me, can I take him for a test run?"" Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure…

A Newfie travels to The City There's a Newfie family who live way out in the country and never go into anything more populated than the town village. One day, the Newfie father decides to get adventurous and goes down to The City, St. John's. While there, he finds a Canadian Tire and heads in. A little overwhelmed at the sheer size of it, he slowly walks up and down the aisles. He doesn't really recognize anything and stops to ask an employee a question. ""What's this?"" he says, pointing at an …

You die and arrive at The Pearly Gates... and as you're about to check-in you see that the walls are covered in thousands of clocks; each one with a small name carved underneath. Curious you ask St. Peter the obvious question, ""what's with all these clocks on the wall?"" A wry smile appears on his face. ""Simple"" he chortles. ""Everyone on Earth has a clock and when their time runs out... they die."" All seems legit you think to yourself. Just then out of the corner of your eye you see one of …

Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John. Where is John's father? Let M be the age in years of Amanda now. Let C be the age in years of John now. Then: M = C + 21 M + 6 = 5(C + 6) C + 21 + 6 = 5(C + 6) C + 27 = 5C + 30 -3 = 4C C = -3/4 John is -3/4 years old, which is -9 months old. So, right now, John's father is inside Amanda.

9 months John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't wo…

There were three men working at a construction site... ...an Australian called Bruce, an Englishman called John and an Irishman called Paddy. Bruce got tired of getting the same old sandwich day after day, so he said ""if I get another Vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump of this building"". John got tired of getting the same old sandwich day after day, so he said ""if I get another cucumber and ham sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump of this building"". Paddy got tired of getting the same old sandwic…

A bank robber escaped from prison Frank, being on the run and short on funds, he turned to what he knew bestrobbing a bank. There were several customers in the bank, including John, the local Mormon bishop, a pillar of his community. John always tried to find the best in people, and held himself to the highest moral standards. No drinking, no smoking, no swearing, and not even fast food would pass his lips. And so when John saw Frank, he stepped in. He tried to tell Frank how, if he would now on…

John grew up on a farm in a small town away from the hustle and bustle of the city. His whole life he has been a huge fan of tractors, his curtains and carpets had tractor patterns on, there were posters of John Deere's covering his walls, he even had his parents buy him a waffle maker that makes waffles in the shape of tractors. As he grew up and started to hit puberty John started, as all boys of his age do, being way too interested in impressing girls, he soon realized that girls don't really…

A man receives marriage-saving advice from his buddy on how to hide his drinking shenanigans, and here's how he uses it. John comes home stumbling drunk with vomit on his jacket. His wife is tired of this behavior, and gives him an ultimatum, ""John, you're my husband and I love you. I don't even mind that you drink. But I swear to god if you come home this drunk again, I'm leaving you."" John nods his head in shame, showers, and sleeps on the couch. The very next day, John gets coaxed by his bu…

Man dies on a building site The other builders gather around and discuss who should be the one to go and break it John's (dead guy) wife. One volunteers, saying he is ""good with this sensitive stuff"". A short while later he returns with 2 crates of beer. ""Where'd you get them"", asks one of the builders. ""John's wife gave me them"". ""You what, you go around there and tell her John's dead and she gives you beer?"" ""Not exactly, I knocked the door and when she answered I said ' Hi, you must …

John's Interview When John went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, John asked the company representative a few questions. It went like this: ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new John: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit... ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen John: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off? ABC: That's a granted. John: Are employees required to work overtime witho…

Best cheers at the bar! John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night."" She said, ""Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"" John said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."" ""Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"" Mary said. The …

A man's car breaks down in a blizzard - the key to life John Jonson was making the yearly 400-mile-long trip to his relatives when snow began to fall. Small flakes, each intricate and delicate quickly turned to heavy gusts of snow. It didn't take long before John's vision was obscured and his car, to his dismay, began to cough and splutter. John, with his lack of mechanical knowledge, felt helplessly alone and scared. A man of 34, wife, kids, nice car, he never could have imagined he would die o…

John arrives home from work one day to hear a voice in his head telling him to quit his job ...quit his job, sell it all, and fly to Vegas. Day after day, it is the same thing. ""John, quit your job, sell the house, don't tell the wife, and fly to Vegas."" Over time it starts to get more and more specific. ""John, quit your job at the bank. Sell the house for no less than $200k ,take out all of the cash, don't tell Mary, and take the 11:15am flight direct to Vegas..."" Eventually, John can't han…

John has gone into every single place in the world One day he was talking to his blind friend about all the places he's been. He detailed each of the famous wonders everyone talks about, the best and the worst, the richest and the poorest places he's ever been. I guess you can say John's seen all. But after talking so much, he realised he was almost late. ""Sorry friend, but my time is now. I must go, see you later!"" Such a shame his friend can't see him.

Tom is hanging with John and John's monkey... ...and John asks ""Do you want to see something cool?"" and Tom says yes. John then smacks his monkey upside the head and the monkey starts sucking John off. John asks Tom if he wants some of that and Tom says ""Yea, just don't smack me upside the head too hard.""

Old Man John wins a contest at the bar... Old Man John hoisted his beer and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night."" She said, ""Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"" John said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."" ""Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"" …