#johns

A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66 Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much worse) names. As an extremely goth kid, he had the full goth getup. Black hair, eyeliner, weird piercings, ripped jeans, you get the picture. But …

John's parrot had a dirty mouth.... so he took it to a psychiatrist.The psychiatrist understanding the problem asked for a month to work with. After a month when john visited the psychiatrist he was astonished to see his parrot greet him as 'Sir'. Seeing that John was impressed the psychiatrist said: "" Well I took him through an intensive training course and now he does not cuss at all , what more if you pull its right foot ,he will ask you about your day and if you pull his left foot it will a…

Golfing in Scotland John , who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained,' and I'm afrai…

No Bell Peace Prize John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. Keeping track of the roosters took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. He just sat on his porch and filled ou…

John had terrible breath. One weekend he and his buddy Mark went on a camping trip. They only had one tent so they would have to sleep together. John's breath was so bad that Mark couldn't stand it in the small closed space of that tent, so he told John everytime he wanted to say something he should poke him first, then Mark would put his head under their blanket before John started talking. Right after hearing that, John promptly pokes Mark who runs for cover under the blanket to hear John whis…

A census man comes to the Appalachia mountains A man from the census, John, comes down from DC to go door to door to all the houses that didn't answer the census letters. The first house he goes to is up on the mountain, a real backwoods place. In front of the house he sees a three-legged pig, and thinks this is very odd. A man opens the door, and answers all of John's questions. John thanks the man for the time, and says, ""I just have one question, what happened to that pig?"" The redneck thin…

The Horse Jim strode into John's Stable' looking to buy a horse. ""Listen here"" said John, ""I've got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn't go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream ""heyhey."" The way to get him to go is to scream ""Thank God."" Jim nodded his head, ""fine with me, can I take him for a test run?"" Jim was having the time of his life, *this horse sure can run*, he thought. Jim was speedin…

The Note There was once a boy called John. John, as a child, was extremely dull. When he failed his first grade test, his father came to school and showed a note to the teacher, and he was promoted to second grade. When he failed his second grade test, his father came to school and showed a note to the teacher, and he was promoted to third grade. When he failed his third grade test, his father came to school and showed a note to the teacher, and he was promoted to fourth grade. When he failed hi…

Thank God Jack strode into John's Stable' looking to buy a horse. ""Listen here"" said John, ""I've got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn't go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, ""fine with me, can I take him for a test run?"" Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speedi…

Who delivers pizza in the hood? Popo John's

Watch out for that snake A man named John lives in Texas near the Mexican border. He decides that life is, in fact, short, so he rents a Jeep to go offroading in the desert. Now John has been offroading for about two hours, when he goes over a dune at a bad angle, and rolls his Jeep onto the side. To his horror, one of the fuel lines was severed in the process, and he has lost all of the fuel in his tank. John pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, and unfortunately does not have any service. H…

John was constantly reprimanded by the teacher for being a smart aleck in class. One day, after John's teacher had too much of his antics, she decided to send him home. Teacher: John. where do you live? John: With my parents, of course. Teacher: Where do your parents live? John: With me. Teacher: Where do you all live then? John: Together. Teacher: Where is your house then? John: Next to my neighbour's house. Teacher: Alright. Enough talk. Where do your neighbours live? John: If I told you, you …

John's English Literature teacher saw that John had fallen asleep: ""Now let me ask you guys a question, who wrote HAMLET? John? Can you tell me?"" John woke up and rubbed his eyes: ""Hum, aaaaa, Mrs. Black, honestly, hum,I didn't do it!"" The class filled with laughters. The teacher was angry: ""Get out of my class and tell your parents to come to see me after school!"" John walked out of the class and phoned his father. His father came to the school in a rush. When John's father saw the teache…

Bad Parrot BAD Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelle…

PROBLEMS FROM THE START John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. ""I'll be ready in a few minutes,"" she said. ""Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?"" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."" The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoo…

This is the first joke I've ever written. Ol' Paddy walked into the bar, long faced and sullen, after a long day of working on his farm. The bartender asked him, ""Usual whiskey, Paddy?"" ""Not today, John,"" Paddy said. ""The wife has been bleating about wanting another kid, so she's forbidden me from drinking before the deed is done."" ""Well, at least you've got a good shag ahead of you tonight,"" John said. ""But that's just it, I don't know if I can afford another one. The food, the medicin…

Atheist Kittens So there's a guy named John and a woman named Pam. Pam walks up to John's box of kittens, Pam says ""oh, what cute little kittens!"" - John replies with ""yes, they're christian kittens! About one week later, Pam is with her husband Mark. Pam tells mark to go see the kittens. Mark says ""oh, well they're just a bunch of cute little kittens!"" John says ""yes, they're atheist kittens!"" Pam is confused and asks why they're now atheist kittens when they were previously christian ki…

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. The boy is a great student and does well in every subject. Except math. Year after year he fails math. His parents are confused because he is such an excellent st…

John and Paul wanted to know if there is baseball in heaven So they made a pact. Whoever died first would tell the other one if there is in fact baseball in heaven. John dies and he tells Paul, ""I have good news and bad news"". John says ""The good news is yes, there is baseball in heaven"". So Paul asks ""So what is the bad news then"" and John's reply is ""The bad news is that you are pitching on Wednesday.""

Farmers and their Pig Old, long winded, and immature. But, I always laugh at it Three farmers had been competing at the state fair for several years now for the biggest pig contest. Each year though all three farmers would lose to a pig from another county. So, Farmer John calls farmer Brown and Farmer Dan over to his house one day. Farmer John had the idea that the reason each one of them lost separately was because neither of them had a farm with enough food to feed their respective pigs, so t…

I was at my best friend John's wedding the other day I looked over and saw the bride standing there. As the best man I needed to make a speech and not knowing what to say I wanted to keep it short and to the point, but still I was clueless and not to mention nervous. So I approached the bride and thought I would ask her, her thoughts of the day, how she was feeling and hope to get a story of love, hope, and happiness. So I asked her I said ""hey Monica what was it like getting out of that limo a…

Dogs playing poker Why are dogs bad at poker? Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand. Why did John's dog win the poker tournament? Because he's a Doberman.

A Parrot with an attitude A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ""clean up"" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the p…

Camping! John and his girlfriend were going to go camping for the week. On his way out of the the door, John's little brother yelled, ""wait for me!"" John told his brother to go back inside, but his girlfriend insisted on taking him. John turned to his brother and said, ""OK, but we get top bunk when we get to the cabin."" His little brother agreed and they left for the campground. When night came John, his girlfriend and his little brother went to bed. While in bed John turned to his girlfrien…

Two men sitting at a bar... Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, ""Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey!"" The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, ""Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?"" ""I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman!"" The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, ""By chance, did yo…