#johns

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, ""Are these plates clean?"" His grandfather replied, ""They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again…

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said ""Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."" Johnny said, ""I haven't got da fingers."" ""What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? For Pete's sake it's 2004! We got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't…

A good Irishman, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and decided to have a contest regarding who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ""Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, ""I won the prize for the best toast of the night."" She said, ""Aye, what was your toast?"" Jo…

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. ""Hello?"" says a little girl's voice. ""Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"" says John. ""Is Mommy near the phone?"" ""No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."" After a brief pause, John says, ""But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"" ""Yes, I …

eer booze and fun!' 'John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said ""I'm very sorry officer I didn't realize it was out I'll get it fixed right away."" Just then Jessica said ""I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."" So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said ""Sir your license has exp…

The rose... There was once an Irish actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines. After many years, he finds himself in the St. John's Theatre in Newfoundland, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, “Ah, …

A Golf Story John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay …

Calculus joke... Two college professors are having lunch at a local diner. John (a math professor) says "you know, it really is sad how very little the general population understands higher math." Bill (a physics professor) responds "There you go again with your holier-than-thou attitude, I'm sure more people know higher math than you think." John: "Yeah? Prove it then, if one other person in this restaurant can correctly answer 'what's the integral of x-squared', I'll buy your lunch." Bil…

Stupid, but I love it. So there's a guy named John who hates his wife. John is extremely wealthy, and has copious amounts of money, which he thinks his wife is after. He lives in a huge mansion on a hill and has very powerful and somewhat stupid friends. At dinner one night with his friend Arty, he proposes a hit on his wife for 5 million dollars. Arty, who hates John's wife says he'll do it for a measly 1 dollar. John can't refuse this counter-offer and the deal is settled upon. One fatefu…

Question from a Legal Ethics Law School Final Exam A potential client comes into John's office and says he has been out of jail for 3 years and wants to check to make sure he is now officially off probation. John agrees to investigate. He tells the client it will cost him $100 if the matter can be handled with a simple phone call but he will have to bill by the hour if it requires any further investigation like writing a letter. The client agrees. He hands John a $100 bill and leaves the of…

The last joke my grandma told me Note: My grandmother used to call me up once a week and tell me the latest joke that she had picked up from who knows where. She passed away earlier this year and I cannot begin to say how much I miss her jokes. This one was the last one that she ever told me. It wasn't the funniest by itself but to hear a little old lady at the other end of the phone that had to start over two or three times because she laughed so hard at herself was enough to have me rolli…

Best toast in all of Ireland John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside Me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. …

The nasty parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot an…

A Toast Every Friday night, at the local pub, the regulars gather, enjoy each other’s company and ‘toast the night away'… John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me …

75 story hotel Phil, Jim, and John were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75 story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear the elevators were broken, and they now had to climb 75 flights of stairs. Phil said to Jim and John,"let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something more interesting. Hmm, I'll tell jokes the first 25 floors, Jim, you can sing songs the next 25 floors and John you can say your collection o…

The Surgeon Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "…

Bad Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the p…

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better" The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!" Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend! Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

Irish Humor John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mar…

John wins best toast of the night John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. T…

Farmer John's wife kept nagging him to fix the outhouse But every time he went to check it out, he couldn't find anything wrong with it. One day he'd had enough. He calls his wife out to take a look with him. He shines a flashlight around the tiny poopshack and shows her that it is fine and functioning. Not a thing of beauty, but it serves its purpose. "Check the hole", she says. He points the light at the seat and down through the hole, but he can't see what she could be talking about. She …

Big John A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender. The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night." The man says he can handle himself, he's seen a lot, and in the big city he had to be tough. The owner continues to warn the man, "There's also a shooting about once per week..." Again the City slicker assures the bar owner that he can handl…

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf... It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief …

Irish Joke John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran i…

John had a nasty habit of murdering lawyers. If any lawyer crossing a road would be seen by John driving his car, John would accelerate and always aim for the lawyer. Hearing a lovely "bang" made by lawyer's body hitting the hood and seeing him in the rearview mirror lying in a pool of blood was what would make John's heart sing. One day John picked up a priest who was hitchhiking. As they were driving John suddenly sees a lawyer just about to cross the road. Old habit kicking in, John acceler…