#clarence

I wrote "Clarence sale" instead of "clearance sale" and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out: ""Jesus is watching you."" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. ""Jesus is watching you,"" the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. ""Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"" he …

A burglar broke into a house = Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, ""Jesus is watching you!"" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. ""Jesus is watching you,"" the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parro…

So an Alzheimer's patient was telling a joke... Clarence, is that you?

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him. Auditor: ""I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."" Boat Owner: ""Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own …

So, Jimmy gets beaten up by Clarence ...the first day of the first grade, and Jimmy says, ""one day when I'm big and strong ima beat you up Clarence. Time passes, and the first day of middle school, Clarence beats up Jimmy, and Jimmy says, 'When I is big and strong, ima beat you up Clarence"" More time passes, and the first day of High school, Clarence beats up Jimmy. Jimmy says to him, When I is bigger and stronger, ima beat you up good Clarence. More time passes, almost 10 years and Jimmy has …

Two men arguing There was two men one named bill , the other clarence . they lived on opposite sides of a river . Neither of the men could swim , and each day they would stand on opposite sides of the river cursing at each other . Bill would always say if I could swim I would come over there an kick your butt . This went on for years an years . The corp of engineers came one day an built a bridge across the river . Clarence stood there on the other side doing his usual slurring an such . Bill wa…

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks...Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other ""Rufus!!"" Clarence would shout. ""You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"" ""Clarence!!!"" Rufus would holler back. ""You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I…

Late one night a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: ""Jesus is watching you!"" Silence returned to the house so the burglar crept forward again. ""Jesus is watching you"" the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically he looked all around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: ""Was t…

The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand The taxation office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an auditor to investigate him. Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours ev…

The last joke my grandma told me Note: My grandmother used to call me up once a week and tell me the latest joke that she had picked up from who knows where. She passed away earlier this year and I cannot begin to say how much I miss her jokes. This one was the last one that she ever told me. It wasn't the funniest by itself but to hear a little old lady at the other end of the phone that had to start over two or three times because she laughed so hard at herself was enough to have me rolli…

Jesus is watching you. = Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. …

IRS Inquiry The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deck hand and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays…

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him. IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room an…

John lived across the river from his backwoods neighbor, Clarence and the two feuded constantly. They never missed a chance to throw rocks and yell insults over the water. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge. John was elated and told his wife he was finally going to get his hands on Clarence. When the bridge was finished, John headed off, but returned a few minutes later. "I never realized how big that guy is" John said sheepishly to his wife, “I headed for the bridge, the…