#keith

"Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?" - Karen

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

did you get the job? "i don't know yet" when will they tell you? interviewer: "keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception"

uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth. Yea how do u like them apples Mouth Boy. How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene

It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

[on quiz show] "and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?" *leans way too close into the microphone* spend it alex

wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him" doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs" me: "where will i keep my car keys"

"what's your most cherished memory keith?" [looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile] [leans into mic] i heard a dog laugh once

[chameleon conference] Boss: Is... everyone here? *crickets* Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx Keith: You're welcome

therapist: "remember there are no stupid questions" wife: "okay" therapist: "keith you start" me: "do sharks ever need to have a bath?"

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn't shower? Moses. hi i'm your new youth pastor Keith

me: "why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?" therapist: "i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith"

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I'm going to out live you too.

9 months John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't wo…

(NSFW) It was a beautiful day on the beach... It was a beautiful day on the beach and a gay man was enjoying the weather and sights. Suddenly, he sees a man with the most perfect chest hair that he has ever seen in his life. He works up the courage and asks ""Excuse me sir, but how did you get such perfect chest hair?"". The gorgeous man responds, ""It's quite simple really, each night before bed I apply a thin layer of Vaseline all over my chest and abs. Give it a few weeks and boom you'll have…

My mate Keith at it again. So me and my mates were discussing people in our workplace. I said, ""I'm no racist but I hate the Polish. The Polish guy at my works only been there for 6 months and he's just been given a promotion ahead of me."" My mate Sid said, ""I'm no racist either but I hate the Japanese. Two of them were employed recently and walk around like they own the place, right set of wankers!"" Then my mate Keith said, ""I'm no racist but I hate the blacks"" We both interrupted him and…

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says ""You're pretty good with numbers Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"" The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says ""One thousand eight hundred and thirty two."" The farmer is amazed. ""Exactly right"" he says. ""How did you work that out so fast?"" ""Easy"" says the accountant ""I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.""

A man named Mr. Smith was flying from San Francisco to LA. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Mr. Smith had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the blind man had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him t…

A Golf Story John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay …

A classic rock riddle John, Keith, Pete, and Roger sat in a room and were asked to name the people that came in. Five people were brought in. One was named Miles. Another Miles, and two more also were called Miles. But one was named Myles. One of the four of those quizzed said "I can see five Miles." A second one said "I can see five Miles." The third of them also answered "I can see five Miles." But only the fourth one got it correct.…

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm... ...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Do…

An older married couple, Keith and Edith, get pulled over while on vacation. Edith was driving the highway when she got pulled over by the state police. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" Edith, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" Keith yelled back "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" Edith turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?" Keith once again yelled, "He wants …

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Keith

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 Ball you can tell the future.. My friend Keith did it once and then said he was gonna die