#scotland

An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying "good boy."

A lot of Americans don't realize that "Braveheart" is set in the 1970s. That's just how Scotland is. #culture

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing "Stay With Me" into a megaphone.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That's ok because they've been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean...imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.

Kourtney Kardashian named her daughter 'Penelope Scotland Disick'. In a related story, Scotland intends to change name of country ASAP.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

[meets a cute girl from Scotland] "Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape"

Fat Girls Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent. I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, ""So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"" I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, ""WALES!"" I apologized and said, ""I'm sorry. Are you two whale…

Only in Scotland, will you ever see a man take a piss on a door, then open it and walk inside. (credit: Frankie Boyle)

Modern Banking Explained Behold the following: Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for 100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. ""The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffl…

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says ""I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."" 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer"" the father says. ""We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."" Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the p…

Female Scotties I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, ""Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"" One of them angrily screeched, ""It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"" So I apologized and replied, ""I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"" And that's the last thing I remember.

A doctor from the U.S. is visiting a hospital in Scotland A prominent physician is visiting a hospital in Scotland. He's being shown around by the medical director. They take him to the OR, very modern. Then they go to the ICU, where he talks to the nurses. They go to another ward, where there's a long line of beds, each with a patient in it. He asks the first one, ""What are you here for?"", and gets the reply, ""Oh my luve's like a red red rose."" ""OK,"" he thinks, and goes to the next man. "…

A Scotsman, and Englishman, and a Chinese man take a hotair ballon ride over the UK... As they take off, the Scotsman gazes down and marvels ""Ahh my beautiful Scotland!"" As the cross the border the Englishman gazes down and says ""Ahh my beautiful England!"" The Chinese man takes out a saucer, throws it over the side and says ""Ahh my beautiful china!""

A man is put on trial for committing mass genocide against the people of Scotland. It looked like he would be in prison for life... ...but he got off Scot-free.

Three blondes are hiking in Scotland They set out early afternoon on a sunny Thursday morning in the middle of July. The three girls are kitted out with the best equipment that money can buy and have got their route from Stirling to Callander planned perfectly. After an hour or so of walking one of the blondes comes across some tracks in a field. She claims them to be rabbit tracks, while a second blonde says they must be deer tracks cause they are far to big. Upon hearing this the third blonde …

Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

English Man, Irish Man, Scottish Man All were wading through the desert in 50*c heat when a genie appeared in front of them. He granted each a wish for their troubles. The English Man responded by asking for 200 gallons of water to keep him going - his wish was granted. The Scottish Man asked to be taken back to Scotland to see his family - his wish was granted. Now, the Irish Man asked for a car door. The genie replied with, ""What on earth makes you want a car door?"" The Irish Man replied wit…

Why are radios cheaper in Scotland? Because the boxes are battered and and the speakers are fried.

Summer in Scotland. . . Is the best day of the year.

Why are tourists to Scotland wrongly arrested as pedophiles? They say they came for the 12-year-old Scotch.

The U.K. Summarized in two sentences. ""No Scotland, you cannot leave the UK."" ""Hey Scotland, let's leave the EU.""

Dear England, Now you know what it feels like when you're out of Europe against your will. Scotland.