#london

Watching WWII documentaries, it's always so heart wrenching when Poland is invaded and London is bombed by the Alt-Right.

I see London. I see France. This is a very comprehensive Atlas.

London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes. I tell her it's not London she has to worry about. I just injured myself on a potato.

[first day as London tour guide] And over there is the Tower of [frantically flips through guide book for like 20 minutes] Eiffel.

"Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?" [googles but can't get wifi] Well son, that's when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

I lost 50 pounds by having my wallet stolen in London AND YOU CAN TOO

I'm leaving for London tomorrow. It's going to be really weird Tweeting from the left hand side of the road.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

I see London, I see France! (I'm looking at Google maps)

Kinda of a shitty joke but...... Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talk…

A couple of dwarves got arrested... A couple of dwarves got arrested in London the other day. They got charged for possession of small arms.

Beer is good. After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, ""Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, ""I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, ""I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mo…

Flying Blind A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning. The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, ""The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."" The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. ""We're flying o…

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor] ""As good as this is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth. ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Iri…

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar . ""As good as this is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth. ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Irishman, ""back home in my favorit…

A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, ""Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!"" A tall,…

Chris Evans: ""Excuse me, is this London?"" Passerby: ""Yes""... We used to drive around in a transit van. One time we were playing in London and we pulled up on Edgware Road and Chris Evans - wound down the window and said, ""Excuse, mate?"" ""Yeah?"" said a passer-by. ""Is this London?"" he said There was silence. ""Yes"" said the passer-by. ""Well, where do you want this wood?"" said the driver (from Out of the Ordinary, Jon Ronson)

There was a tourist in Dublin. He was trying to get to London but was running a little short on time. He sees an elderly man sitting on a bench and thought the man might know a quicker way to get there. He approached the man and asked ""Sir, what is the fastest way to London?"" ""Are you walking, traveling by push bike, or motor vehicle?"" the elderly man asked. ""Well, car. I'll be traveling by car."" the tourist replied curiously. ""Well that's the fastest way I know.""

To the beautiful blonde sitting across from me on the delayed 11.42 Manchester to London train (06/07/10).. You were a beautiful blonde sitting across from me on the delayed 11.42 Manchester to London train (06/07/10), you had caught my eye on the platform laughing wearing a pink backpack and a gold headband. We exchanged glances several times and I was finding it hard not to stare, I wanted to talk to you and hoped we could swap details I just lost my nerve and before I knew it we'd arrived and…

I'm not a racist.... I'm not a racist, Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people. Also Whats black and doesn't work? Half of london

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says ""I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."" 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer"" the father says. ""We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."" Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the p…

An American biker decides to travel the world... Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day. One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe. For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, …

Want to know how to lose 100 pounds? Go to the London casino...

My friend recently visited London. He said everyone was very polite, except in Greenwich. Whenever he asked someone for the time they got all mean about it.