#london

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. ""Hey kid"" he shouted. ""Why don't you go outside and play?""

When a blonde goes to London on a plane how can you steal her window seat ? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row

eer booze and fun!' 'After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says ""Hey Senor I would like the world's best beer a Corona."" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says ""I'd like the best beer in the world give me 'The King Of Beers' a Budweiser."" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says ""I'd like the only beer made with Rocky M…

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she made the remark ""I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."" The confused agent said ""I'm sorry we can't do that."" ""Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!""

""This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35000 feet midway across the Atlantic. ""If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. ""If you look out of the windows on the port side you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. ""If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean …

You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill Sir Baden Powell and Sir Edmund Hillary who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don't you believe? Your story teller for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes. And he's getting fed up with it.

At a small London pub, 3 girls are chatting. An Englishman hears them and notices their distinctive accent that he so easily recognizes. He approaches then smoothly and asks: "are you girls from Scotland?" In a condescending tone, one of them turns around and says: "It's Wales, idiot!" "Oh I'm sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"

Two Pakistani gentlemen boarded a shuttle out of London for Lisbon. Two Pakistani gentlemen boarded a shuttle out of London for Lisbon. One sat in the window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Indian got on and took the aisle seat next to the Pakistanis. He kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said "I think I'll go up and get a Coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants but you probably knew that.) "No…

German spies During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent "May I have two Martinis please?" "Dry?" asked the barman. The German replied, holding up two fingers. "Nein! Zwei!"

A little Irish humor Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko…

Graverobbers These two men liked to dig up graves and collect the items deceased were burried with. They mostly dug up famous people, and took items like jewelry and other valuable items. One day they decided to go to a graveyard in london. Their they found Mozarts grave. They spent hours digging up the grave, and when the finaly got to the coffin and opened it there was a man sitting their erasing things in this large book. So the graverobbers asked him, "Uhhh, What are you doing?" He the…

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'

Chinese man in a London bank A Chinese man living in London went to the bank and asked the banker, "Why I have less money in my account than yesterday?" The banker replied, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man said, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you Blitish too!"

Betting Jokes Last night I got thrown out of the casino. As a sports bettor I completely misunderstood the crap table. ~ A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Suzan, pack up your things. I just won a ฿1000 20 leg parlay!” Suzan replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!” ~ A bum asks a man for ฿0.002. The man says, “Will you buy booze?” The bum says, “No.” The man says, “Will you gamble it…

Falklands veteran A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"

Obama travels to England to visit the Queen.... As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth…

Emergency Services An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah." Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....

At the second annual UK women's rights meeting... a lady from Birmingham stood up and said, "Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since." She recieved a generous round of applause. Another lady, from London, stood up next and said, "Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first d…

A Farmer in Cornwall see's a bloke drinking from his stream He shouts, "Wozzon! Ee den wanna be drinkin dat, t'is fulla horse piss an cow shit". The bloke says "I'm from london and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please". The Farmer replies "If - you -use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!!!!!

I lost 100 pounds... and I only got half an hour. London chicks are pricy as hell.

My Biology Professor told me this one When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him , as he expected.... there were always "arguments" and confrontations. One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to t…

I was in a bar when... I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked. *"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"* One of the ladies turned to me and said, *"It's Wales you idiot"* I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said, *"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"* Don't remember much else.

What is the difference between a girl from London and a Kitkat? You only get 4 fingers in a Kitkat.

A train company is hiring mining companies to dig a tunnel A train company wishes to dig a new high-speed train tube from London to New York and is taking proposals from various companies. To save time the chosen company will need to begin digging 2 tunnels simultaneously from the two exits and attempt to line it up perfectly into one finished tunnel. A representative from a German corporation comes to the train company to presents their proposal, "It will cost you 2 billion dollars and will t…