#london

An American soldier An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in t…

A Russian billionaire moved to London… A Russian billionaire moved to London, but after a week he felt terribly ill. So he went to the doctor. “Doctor, doctor,” he said, “I just moved here from Moscow, and I feel so terribly sick.” The doctor examined him and said, “I think I have just the cure. This is what you need to do: get a bucket, put a dead fish in it, piss in it, pour in a bottle of vodka and a glass of gasoline, then mix it all together with a stick. Cover it and let it sit for a few …

Knock knock... Who's there? Ah. Ah who? WEREWOLVES OF LONDON

A couple decides to go on vacation. A couple from London decides to go on a vacation together to Spain. Due to a sudden change in the wife's work schedule the husband decides to fly first and the wife will join him a couple of days later. As the husband arrives weather is great and he feels kind of bad for his wife still working at home so he immediately decides to send her a letter. Unfortunately the letter by mistake gets sent to the grieving widow next door. Being old and still in shock aft…

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London... As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager t…

Why Irish pubs are the best "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Patty Sheehan, then Irishman. "Back home in me favorite p…

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married…

Don't mess with Women!! A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them ou…

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near tower bridge". With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your son…

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’ The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ The other blo…

London lawyer A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed…

Three spies are captured in london One is German, one is French and the other is italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of torture he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of torture they get him to talk and throw him back with the others. Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of torture and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with th…

Apple Store robbed The Apple Store in Regents Street, London, was robbed this morning. Police are appealing for an iWitness!

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots... Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness. "Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks. "Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mick's in London, Paddy's in Australia, and I'm here in New York. We hardly ever see each other these days, but when we left home, we swore we'd drink like th…

American Soldier An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in tha…

In honor of HRH on her birthday A man walks into a London pub clearly beaten down after a rough day. Barkeep gets to talking to him and asks the man what he does. "I'm the trainer for the Queen's pure breed corgis." the man replies. "Well that seems like a pretty cushy job, why are you so distraught?" the barkeep asks. "After so much in-breeding to keep the bloodlines pure, I'm working with some of the stupidest, most stubborn things on Earth." the dog trainer says. "Ah, I can see how t…

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

"John, hurry back home, your wife is dead!" John is an average Joe from a small village in England. He is working away in London to support his family. One day, he receives a letter at work. It reads: "John, hurry back home, your wife is dead!" John takes the first bus back to his village and finds his fellow villagers gathered and huddled in front of her family's house, crying and weeping. He says to them: "Where is she? Take me to her at once!" So the villagers take him to her. John kneel…

An old arab in the USA want's to plant potatoes,... ... but being the old age that he is, he cannot. He is sad, so he writes an e-mail to his son, whose studying in London. "Hello, Ahmad, I'm sad. I'd want to plant potatoes, but I'm old and weak" The son replies soon: "DAD, DO NOT DIG IN THE GARDEN!! YOU'LL FIND THE THING!!!" A week passes, and FBI agents arrive at his house. They dig through every centimetre in the garden, but they found nothing. They leave. The old arab wants to write his …

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side stree…

The Danceologist A man was sitting at a bar in London, and ordered a drink. "So, who are you?", asked the bartender. "I'm a danceologist. I've studied every dance in the entirety of Oceania". "Even the Wingo Wango?" "Mhm", he replied. "Even the Yapucha dance?", he asked. "Wait, I've never heard of that one! Can you tell me about it?" The bartender shook his head. "I can't, but my cousin lives in Darwin. Here's his address. The bartender handed him a business card. The danceologist thanke…

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The Engli…

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London...... .......when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "You're the father…

In a hotel in London, The room service boy knocks on the door .... In a hotel in London, The room service boy knocks on the door, and says "Here are your Pringles sir." The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing totally confused. Finally he says "Wallah Habibi, I said Bring girls."

A devout Muslim entered a cab in London He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wai…