#glasgow

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor] ""As good as this is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth. ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Iri…

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar . ""As good as this is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth. ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Irishman, ""back home in my favorit…

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital. Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. ""Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?"" The patient replies, ""Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."" The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. ""Hello …

A woman gets a nasty cut... ... it's very deep and there's blood everywhere so she calls the emergency services. ""Hello I've cut myself can i please speak to a doctor?"" ""Hi I'm a doctor, may I ask what your name is?"" ""Maggie Smith"" ""And when where you born?"" Asked the doctor. ""17th of April 1985"" Maggie said. ""Where are you bleeding from?"" Said the doctor. ""I'm from bleeding Glasgow.""

*The Glasgow Brothel* The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties. ""May I help you sir?"" she asked. ""I want to see Valerie,"" the man replied. ""Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else"", said the madam. ""No, I must see Valerie,"" he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged 5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five th…

I dated a really multicultural girl First she gave me a French kiss. Then she gave me an Australian kiss. I thought I'd show her I'm cultured too, so I gave her a Glasgow kiss.

I got banned from B&Q in Glasgow today Some cunt came up to me in an orange apron and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.

Glasgow Wedding Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding. ""Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant,"" says Jimmy. ""Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night"". Archie nods approvingly. ""I've even bought a kilt to be married in!"" continues Jimmy. ""A kilt?"" exclaims Archie, ""That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that... What's the tartan?...."" ""O…

Joke from Glasgow What is the best thing you can put in a pie? Your teeth!

the papal visit the pope visited Glasgow during his visit he went to the Royal infirmary. He went to the ward where seriously ill patients were cared for. The first patient could not walk, the pope blessed him and he got up and walked, the second patient could not see after the blessing his sight was restored, the third patient shrunk back in horror. He shouted get back don't touch me I'm on motability.

Tell me your local jokes! Why does the Clyde run through Glasgow? Because if it walked, it'd get jumped!

Scotsmans Chilli A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow....... He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. ... After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks: ""If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, ""Nah, ye can gae ahead."" Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts…

Scotsman's Chilli A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow...... He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and …

Wee Joe fae Glasgow... After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation. After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in. That afternoon Joe felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find himself face to face with the President. "I'd just like to say that your help here is greatly appreciated," Obama said. "Aye, na…

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman... An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia. "The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the b…

Why Irish pubs are the best "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Patty Sheehan, then Irishman. "Back home in me favorite p…

In Memory of Ronnie Corbett Here's some of his best jokes - A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals. - We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet. - A man was marooned on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit. 'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it. She unzips …

Scottish couple decided to go to Spain A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier, but because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and there was a computer in his room, so he decide…

In a Scottish pub A young college student made her way to Europe for a summer adventure, ending up in Glasgow for a night. She went to a pub and there met a ruggedly-handsome Scotsman dressed in the traditional outfit. “Excuse my bluntness,” she asked, “is anything worn under the kilt?” “Nay, my lassie,” he said with a grin, “it’s still in good working order!”

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.” “Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.” “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the m…

I stopped at a coffee shop in Glasgow When I approached the barista, I ordered a latte with oat milk. Stunned and confused, the barista tells me, “we cannae make a latte withoat milk”

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, " I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you…

*The Glasgow Brothel* The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified

The Prime Minister visits a school The Prime Minister was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet? A Scotland Yard.