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The limerick writers on Twitter Can be justifiably bitter The limited length Is weakness, not strength And throws our last lines down the sh

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar. [copypasta from digitaldreamdoor] ""As good as this is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth. ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Iri…

A Mexican guy, an Italian guy, and an American guy are all working on a roof... and they're all getting tired of their lunches... So one day the Mexican guy opens his lunch and he goes ""man, if I get a taco one more time I'm going to jump off this building."" The Italian guy opens his box and says ""Goddammit, if I get spaghetti one more time I'm going to jump off this building,"" and the American guy says the same thing about his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The next day, they all get the…

Little Boy Prayer A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, ""we say a prayer before eating in our house!"" The little boy replies, ""yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!""

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar . ""As good as this is,"" said the Scotsman, ""I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth. ""Well, Angus,"" said the Englishman, ""at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."" ""Ahhh, dat's nothin',"" said the Irishman, ""back home in my favorit…

bowling balls A truck driver was hauling bowling balls through Alabama one day when he approached 2 little black boys that were walking along side of the road with their bike which had a broken chain. The truck driver pulled up to them and asked if they need a lift. They of course said yes. The truck driver said that they would have to ride in the back with the load he was hauling. So he helped the boys up and threw their bike in, and shut the door. As he was driving along a cop pulled him over.…

A dumb married couple lived on a farm... The dimwitted couple just got back from the hospital with their new born twins they have yet to name. Wife - ""What should we name our children?"" Husband - ""How about john and Jane?"" Wife - ""No no that's to unoriginal."" The couple argued for a full day on what to name their twins but could not come to a agreement. Husband - ""Okay I got it! I'll run out the back door and you run out the front door and the first thing we see we will name the twins."" …

My dad's favorite joke 3 guys are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. They grab as much of their supplies as they can carry and start walking. The first guy turns to the second guy and says ''I brought all our food cause you can't grow anything in the desert.'' The second guy replies ''I brought all our water cause it doesn't rain in the desert.'' The third guy is slowly trailing behind. The two guys ask ''Hey what are you doing?'' Dragging the car door behind him the third gu…

A penguin is driving through the desert The car begins to lurch and smoke pours from the hood. The penguin stops at a small gas station on the side of the otherwise desolate road. Luckily, a mechanic is available. ""Give me a few minutes and I'll let you know what I find out"" he tells the stranded penguin. So the penguin heads inside the gas station's market and buys an ice cream. He steps outside to eat it. The hot desert sun begins to melt the ice cream faster than the penguin can consume it.…

The first blonde GUY joke An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: ""Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."" The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, Burritos again!"" If I get burritos one more time in my lunch, I'm going to jump off, too."" The blonde opened his lunch and said, ""Bologna ag…

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead Take a Trip to the Desert and Can Only Bring one Item With Them While they are walking through the sand, the redhead says, ""I brought a jug of water! In case I get thirsty, I'll drink it."" She then looks at the brunette and asks her what she brought. The brunette says, ""I brought a protein bar with me. In case I get hungry, I'll eat it!"" She then turns to the blonde and notices that she's carrying a car door. She says, ""Why in the world would you bring a c…

A lawyer finds a magical lamp A lawyer is stranded in the middle of the desert. He finds a lamp and rubs it. Magically, a genie comes out of the lamp and says >""You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, all the other lawyers on Earth will get double."" The man says > ""I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."" The genie snapped his fingers and said >""Your new beach house is waiting for you. But all the other lawyers on E…

The deaf bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, ""Ask him where the money is!"" The lawyer, using sign language…

A tortoise and a hare are at the park The hare approaches the tortoise and asks him if he wants to race. They agree to race to the nearest tree. The hare wins easily. ""Not fair! Let's go again,"" begged the tortoise. They race again but this time to the river. The hare wins again. ""One more time,"" the tortoise pleaded. The hare reluctantly agreed. ""We have time for one more race and then I have to go home,"" said the hare. ""Let's just have a race to see who gets home first then,"" suggested…

An old couple come across a magic lamp in their attic... ...and when they rub it, a genie appears. The genie grants them each 3 wishes. The old woman goes first. Not wanting to appear greedy, she says to the genie: ""I wish for a new dining table."" The genie waves his hand, and poof! Their dining table is replaced. The old man follows, saying: ""I wish for a new car for the two of us."" The genie waves his hand again, and poof! A brand-new Porsche appears on the driveway. The old woman now says…

An Indian farmer is speaking to a farmer from Texas... The Texan asked ""How large is your farm?"" The Indian replied, ""See that light pole? My farm is about from where standing to there. How about yours?"" The Texan nodded and said, ""If you wake up at the crack of dawn and you begin to drive, and you drive and drive and drive, at about noon, you will reach the end of my property line."" The Indian famer chuckled and said, ""Yeah, I've owned cars like that too.""

Blonde painter A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter. ""I'm here for the paint job,"" she said. ""Alright,"" said the man. ""Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."" The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was …

A woman walks into a bar... She sits down and orders a drink. ""Just give me anything,"" she says. A female bartender, new on the job, notices the woman applying a thin layer of lipstick with trembling hands. ""Are you... okay?"" ""What this? This ain't anything new."" She pauses. ""It's the crime. This town seems overrun by it. Every day there is a new bad guy and who do they call to straighten things out?"" ""The police?"" asks the bartender innocently. ""Try again."" The patron takes out her …

A man walks into a bar with a 3 gallon bucket... He asks the bartender if he could fill it up with beer. The bartender says ""sure"" and fills it up. The guy pays for it and leaves. 20 minutes later the guy comes back with the same bucket and asks the bartender if he'll fill it up again. The bartender says ""sure but if you don't mind me asking what are you doing with all this beer?"" The guy says ""well it's a really hot day and I wanted to give my mule a treat."" The bartender says ""you know …

A swindler passes by a bird in the stairwell of an apartment building... The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace since the forger's apartment had no windows. She was carrying some rolled up paper on which her owner had written the perfect end …

Three guys must cross a desert Three men must cross a desert, they are each allowed to take one item to help them cross. The first guy decides to take a camel, ""So I can travel faster across the desert."" The second guy decides to take gallon of water, ""To quench my thirst under the blazing sun."" The third guy decides to take a car door, ""So I can roll down the window if it gets too hot."" Not sure where this joke is originally from, I heard it from my father when I was younger.

A man buys a house The guy he buys it from says ""we printed out the deed but didn't have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?"" ""That wooden deed""

An American man, a British man, and a Polish man are asked what they would bring with them if they were stranded in the desert The American said he would bring food, the British man said he would bring water, and the Polish man said he would bring a car door, so that if it got too hot, he could roll down the window.

An eskimo was showing another eskimo pictures of his house... ... The other eskimo said ""That's an ice picture!"".

Two penguins are sitting in a rowboat in the middle of the desert The first says, ""Wears the oars."" The other says, ""Sure does!"" *(Note: this joke works best when read out loud to someone who doesn't know it.)* Explanation: About half of the people who hear this joke hear it as ""Where's the oars?"" which is why it is best when heard rather than read. The point is that the rowboat is in the middle of the desert, so trying to use oars will only result in wearing them down, hence, it ""wears t…