#alabama

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight's penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I'm from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito? Me: In Alabama? S: Yeah. M: Of course not. Why do you ask? S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

It's hard to get people to visit me in Alabama because the trip 30 to 40 years back in time can be rather arduous.

Little known fact: The toothbrush originated in Alabama. Everywhere else it was called a teethbrush.

If I lived in Alabama, I'd name my daughter, 'Banjo-lina".

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that "Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it's next to Mrs. Sippi."

Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.

My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don't worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush. What's the latest invention to come out of the UA engineering program? A solar-powered flashlight. How can you tell if someone's a UA graduate? Look at the ring while they're picking their nose. Why are criminals so hard to catch in Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA. What does an Alabaman call a six-pack and a dead possum? A seven-course meal. Since state jokes seem to …

A trucker was hauling a load of bowling balls across the South. As he's cruising down the highway in Alabama, he passes two black boys traveling down the road on a bike. He ignores them and continues down the road a bit before stopping at a diner to eat some delicious chicken-fried steak. After he's finished eating, it begins to rain, and he continues back out on the road. After a few minutes it really begins to pour down. He passes the same two black boys on their bicycle, who are completely so…

bowling balls A truck driver was hauling bowling balls through Alabama one day when he approached 2 little black boys that were walking along side of the road with their bike which had a broken chain. The truck driver pulled up to them and asked if they need a lift. They of course said yes. The truck driver said that they would have to ride in the back with the load he was hauling. So he helped the boys up and threw their bike in, and shut the door. As he was driving along a cop pulled him over.…

The Hillbilly Vasectomy After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, but they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in …

The Out of Towner A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. The bartender looked up and said, ""You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"" The guy said, ""I'm from Iowa."" The bartender asked, ""What the heck you do in Iowa?"" The guy responded, ""I'm a taxidermist."" The bartender asked, ""Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"" The guy said nervously, ""I mount animals."…

There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it. The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, ""We're going to need an ice pick."" After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, ""We're going to need another dozen ice picks."" He sold …

Georgia and Alabama hate each other Really we have very similar jokes for each other. In Georgia we say that we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama because if it was invented anywhere else it'd be called a teeth brush. In Alabama they say that we sure have some strange uses for those grout cleaners.

How do you circumcise a guy in Alabama? You kick her sister in the chin!

Redneck birth control A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, ""What state are you from? The man says ""Alabama."" The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California. When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells hi…

Pulled over for speeding An Alabama Highway Patrolman pulls over two young punks for speeding. He walks up to the driver's window and tells the punk to stick his head out of the window. Reluctantly the young man does, and the officers knocks him on the back of the head with his flashlight. OWWWW! the young man exclaims, what was that for? That was for doing 83 in a 55 on my highway. Then he walks around to the passenger window and tells him to stick his head out the window, which the passenger r…

Black man at heavens gate It was the Summer of 1968 and a black man showed up at the Pearly Gates. Peter comes out and says, ""Uh, is there something I can do for you? I mean, we don't let blacks in here."" ""I know,"" said the black man, ""It's just that, I am from Alabama, and I grew up around White folks, and I like White folks, and I even married a White woman, so I thought maybe I could get in."" Peter said, ""Wait, you say you married a White woman in Alabama? When the hell was this?"" The…

Truck driver just passing through A trucker was driving down a highway in Alabama in the middle of nowhere when he came across a black man pushing his bike down the side of the road trying to flag down a ride. The trucker figured he was in the middle of nowhere and was feeling generous so he pulled over and told the black guy, ""You can have a ride, but I don't have any room in the cab, so you will have to ride in the back with the bowling balls. I'm in a hurry, so hop in."" The black man, happy…

The best NSFW racist joke I know [alternate ending] A trucker was driving down a highway in Alabama in the middle of no where when he came across a black man pushing his bike down the side of the road trying to flag down a ride. He thought: ""Is that mine?"", but then he remembered, that his is at home, painting the fence.

The best NSFW racist joke I know A trucker was driving down a highway in Alabama in the middle of no where when he came across a black man pushing his bike down the side of the road trying to flag down a ride. The trucker figured he was in the middle of no where and was feeling generous so he pulled over and told the black guy, ""You can have a ride, but I don't have any room in the cab, so you will have to ride in the back with the bowling balls. I'm in a hurry, so hop in."" The black man, happ…

Alabama Vasectomy One day a man from Alabama was arguing with his wife and she wanted him to get a vasectomy. So he reluctantly went to the doctor and upon hearing the cost $6500. He said he isn't paying that as he could buy a used fishing boat for that price. So he went to another doctor hoping to get a lower price and was told the same thing, as he was leaving the doctor noticed he lived in Alabama and offer him a $15 dollar solution. He was told to buy a m80 light it and place it in a styrofo…

The legal age of drinking in Alabama has been changed to 31... Representatives hope that it will keep underage drinking out of high schools