#engineer

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria. Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I'm optimizing code

[1st day in Senate] Me: I'm against genetic engineering Scientist: We've developed kids w/ volume knobs Me: How much funding do you need

[engineer looking at blueprints] "Well, here's your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll."

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

Girl at engineering school: I'm like the single-most clumsy person [5 male engineering students emerge from bushes] "Did you say single?"

"that's the power of German engineering" is a great slogan for your product if you're selling fear

Dear car commercials, You probably don't mean to scare me but "German engineering" is also why I don't have so many cousins today.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems??? GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation??? USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

When someone tells me they're a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: "wow your parents must've yelled at you to do your homework a lot"

"The club can't even handle me right now." What, like structurally? Should we call an engineer? Evacuate? Advise.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

"The club can't even handle me right now." What, like structurally? Should we call an engineer? Evacuate? Please advise.

People who genetically engineer food, why don't you make celery that tastes like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

[hs reunion] JANE: i'm an engineer TOM: i'm a real estate developer AMY: i'm a lawyer *everyone looks at me* ME: *panics* i'm a hospital

Don't call me "Dad", please call me by my professional title, "Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist".

Old Twitter is what you'd get if an engineer brought New Twitter to Steve Jobs, and Steve beat on him relentlessly to simplify it.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let's build stuff. UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

The Engineer Towards the end of the French revolution many people lost their heads to the guillotine. One day a politician, a priest, and an engineer were to be executed. The politician was first. The executioner asked him: ""Do you have any last words?"" to which the man replied, ""I regret nothing."" The executioner lowered the man's head into the guillotine and released the blade. It fell swiftly but suddenly jams and stopped just inches from reaching the politician's neck. There was a rule w…

The genie Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. ""I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total,"" says the Genie. The Canadian says, ""I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."" With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he …

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar. Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket. The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt. The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, h…

You must be an Engineer... (I'm fairly new to reddit, so I hope this isn't an old one.) A guy is lost on a hot air balloon ride. After some time, he sees a man in a field and lowers the balloon to ask for directions. ""Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"" he calls down. The man in the field thinks for a moment and replies, ""You are about 200 ft. above the ground, latitude 56, longitude 103."" The balloon pilot, looking flustered, calls back, ""You must be an Engineer."" ""How did you know?"…

So there are a group of engineers and a group of mathematicians heading to a conference They are sitting on a train together when both groups spot the train's ticket collector coming down the aisle. Quickly two of the engineers scuttle into the washroom, leaving the mathematicians confused. After the collector stamps all the mathematicians tickets he approaches the washroom and knocks. ""Ticket please"" A ticket slides under the door, and is stamped by the collector and returned. ""Thank you!"" …

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician... ...find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to herself happily as she now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he …