#engineer

Mathematicians and engineers traveling to a congress... Every engineer has a train ticket, but the mathematicians only have one. The engineers wonder what they're about to do when one shouts ""Conductor!"" They all run towards the toilet and hide inside. The conductor knocks and says ""ticket please"". One of them slides the ticket to the conductor through the gap between door and floor, and the conductor walks away satisfied after seeing it. A few days later, all of them travel back home, and t…

What happened to the engineer who miss labeled all the floor numbers He was wrong on so many levels.

The Oldest Profession A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks. ""Medicine is the oldest,"" declared the doctor, ""because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."" ""That's true,"" agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, ""but even earlier God created the universe out if chaos, and that's engineering."" ""And who"" asked the lawyer, casually knocking over the engineers drink, ""do you think created all the chaos?""

A woman bikes up to two engineers in a parking lot. The woman takes off her clothes and tells them, ""You may have anything you want."" The first engineer says, ""I'll take the bike!"" The second engineer says, ""Since there is nothing left, I'll take the clothes!""

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders a beer. A nearby patron asks ""Hey buddy! What's your dog's name?"" ""Engineer"" the man replies. ""Engineer?"" the other asks. ""If I kick him will, he make a bolt for the door?"" he laughs. ""No,"" the man replies, ""but he can make a spring for your nuts.""

A lawyer, a surgeon, and an engineer... A lawyer, surgeon, and engineer are taking a survey for a college on the most desired careers. One question at the end says ""What do you do for a living, and please give a short description."" Each of them filled the blank space and turned in their survey. The lawyer wrote wrote about how he was a defense attorney and named off the numerous high profile cases he had been a part of. He made a few spelling mistakes and simply drew a line through the misspel…

Tension at work Local engineer was fired after building a road over a creak further up stream then planned. Dispite his long years of service, it was a bridge too far.

What do you call an ESA engineer serving the comet lander? Philae Minion

A Sunday afternoon during the French Revolution On a Sunday afternoon during the French Revolution, the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this …

How do you pick out the extroverted engineer? He's the one staring at YOUR feet when he talks

What happens when a clown farts? It smells funny. --As told to me by an Engineering lead... Much facepalm ensued.

A mean joke A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the dee…

Trains are Always late? A man was complaining to a railroad engineer. What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The railroad engineer replied. How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

Traffic Two civil engineers were competing for a bid to do the road layout for a city. The engineer that lost accused the other of cheating, to which the winner said ""Roundabouts are fair play"".

A lawyer an engineer and a priest are on death row The lawyer sits down the man pulls the switch lots of buzzing but nothing happens. So next came the priest he sits down the man pulls the switch and tons of buzzing but nothing happens to the priest. Then the engineer sits down but as there putting the gear on him he looks up and says aren't those two wires supposed to be connected

Explosive Opportunity A British engineer started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. He says that prophets are going through the roof.

An engineer dies... ...and so he goes to heaven, God says ""It says here you're an engineer, you're supposed to be in hell."" And so he goes to hell. A month later, hell is set up with air conditioning, refrigerators, etc. God checks in with Satan, and asks how it is in hell, and he says they have air conditioning, etc. God replies with ""Well you can't have him there, hell has become a heaven, send him back here or I'll sue!"" (Because the after life has and needs a labyrinthine law system) Sat…

Two engineering students were walking across campus... ...when one said, ""Where did you get such a great bike?"" The second engineer replied, ""Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ""Take what you want."" The second engineer nodded approvingly, ""Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.""

An Engineer opens a hospital James, an unemployed engineer decides to change his fate by opening a whole new type of hospital. In the front door he writes: ""We can cure all your diseases for only 500,$, if we can't, we give you 1000$"" A real doctor sees the sign and think he can win money easily and you can't decide to be a doctor whenever you want. So he goes inside and tells to our engineer: -I can't taste anything! Everything is like water to my mouth -OK I see... NURSE! Can you give me the…

Three guys discuss how would they kill their mother in law An engineer, a chemistry graduate and an agriculture university graduate discuss the best way to get rid of your mother in law. The engineer goes first: - I would mess up her car, set the break cables to fail after reaching high speed. Everyone would think it was an accident. Then the chemist tells his idea: - I would find some chemicals that added to her food would cause a heart-atack. She is old so no one would even get suspicious. - A…

A CEO, Vice-President, and Engineer are on the golf course... ...the engineer hits first and his ball goes into the woods. ""No problem, I'll go get it"", he says. The vice president steps up and also hits into the woods ""No problem!"", he says, as he makes the engineer go get it. The CEO gets up and he, too, hits the ball into the woods. ""No problem!"", he says, as he makes the engineer go get it. ""...and when you get back, you're fired! You should have warned us that might happen!""

The Unemployed Engineer

A priest, a rabbi, and an engineer..... Were scheduled to die by the guillotine. The priest is up first. The executioner asks, would you like to die face up, or face down? The priest reply's, ""face up, so I may see my father's face, as I go."" The executioner positions him face up, under the guillotine, pulls the lever, and the blade stops about 6 inches above his neck. They take it as an act of God, and release him. The rabbi is up next. The executioner asks, would you like to die face up, or …

3 engineers are debating what kind of engineer God is The first, a mechanical engineer, says, ""He must be a mechanical engineer. Just think about a pitcher throwing a baseball 100mph, the forces are unreal. God has to be a mechanical engineer."" The second, an electrical engineer, says ""No way, he has to be an electrical engineer. Just look at the nervous system. All those complex impulses creating memories, movement, and thought. God has to be an electrical engineer."" Finally, the civil engi…

Mo' Engineer vs Zen master **One** Engineer: My heart is filled with depression Zen master: Young man, your depression is trivial like a single line on a paper, there are still a lot of space you can fill the paper with. The engineer drew a Peano curve. **Two** Engineer: Master, they say I am too edgy Zen master: Young one, you cannot make a triangle roll. The engineer pulled out a Reuleaux Triangle from his pocket. **Three** Engineer: Master, the zen master next door had a stroke! Zen master 2:…