#no-way

[3am] *nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he's like a million years old.

Professor: "Did you just show up drunk to my exam?" No way "Hungover then?" Nope "There's a lime wedge on your face"

"Do it!" Nah, I don't wanna. "Come on, man!" No way. "It'll be fun!" I don't know... "Do it for the Vine!" Oh alright. *Hitler invades Poland*

When Facebook moms post how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"

*pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way

Ramadhan starts tomorrow, here's a joke There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I…

The Pickup Artist Ted is sitting at the bar, chatting with the bartender. It's a good night, not too crowded, but a steady stream of customers. The door opens and a homely guy walks in. He takes a seat at the other end of the bar, orders a beer, and sits there sipping it. The bartender walks back, and Ted says, ""There's a guy who's leaving alone tonight!"" Even as he speaks, the hottest girl in the room walks up to the homely guy. They chat a minute, then leave arm-in-arm. ""Man!"", says Ted, "…

An Indian Chief was taking a week off in Las Vegas After just two days, he had gambled away all his funds, so he sent a smoke signal back to his tribe asking them to wire him more money. The tribe signalled back, saying ""No way, you're being reckless with your money and we're not sending you any more!"" Just then, a nuclear bomb was detonated in the Nevada desert. The Chief watched in awe as the gigantic mushroom cloud reached toward the sky. Then, further in the distance, he saw a tiny plume o…

My neighbor said his dog was impregnated by my dog Django. I said ""No way, bro."" ""The 'D' is silent""

I was inspired by r/gifs today. A guy meets a friend for a drink on a Sunday evening. His friend notices he has a huge black eye and asks him what happened. His friend replies, ""So I was in church this morning and when it came time to stand, I noticed the woman in front of me has a huge wedgie. I was just trying to bed nice, so I reached down and pulled it out for her and she turned around and socked me right in the eye!"" The friends meet up next Sunday evening and his buddy notices his other …

A true story about the time I got caught speeding This is the story of the time I was pulled over for doing almost 70 in a construction area, where the speed limit had been reduced to 55. So I pulled over right away because I'm white and a man with a mustache that only a cop would grow, swung a leg dramatically over his motorcycle and walked up to my passenger window. He leaned into my car and with the smugness if a chess master announcing checkmate he asked me, ""Do you know why I pulled you ov…

two men are sitting in a bar One of them looks at the other and says ""you look familiar... whe're you from?"" The second man replies ""Ireland"" The first man look astonished and says "" No way I'm from Ireland me self , what a small world!"" The second man then looks at the first ""What city?"" The first man says ""Doublin?"" The second man looks astonished ""No way I'm from doublin me self ! What a small world"" The first man looks at the second man ""What school you go to?"" The second man r…

Two men are sitting at the bar One says to the other: ""So I've just crawled into bed. My wife's sound asleep. All of a sudden the smoke alarm starts chirping because the battery died."" The other guy says: ""Let me guess. You tried to ignore it, drift to sleep and deal with it in the morning?"" ""No way. Do you think I am lazy?"" ""Sorry. It was a just an idea. I guess you snuck out of bed, grabbed a 9-volt, and replaced the battery?"" ""Of course not! Do you think I'm stupid?"" ""Fine, I give …

3 men on a skiing holiday 3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed, in the morning the following conversation takes place. Man on left: ""I had a dream last night that I got a hand job."" Man on right: ""No way, I also had a dream about that as well!"" Man in middle: ""That's funny I had a dream I was skiing.""

A guy dies, and winds up in hell... Satan says, ""You must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in."" ""Can I see the rooms first?"" he asks.. ""Certainly."" and Satan shows him the first room, whee he sees a bunch of people, on a wooden floor, standing on their heads. He thinks ""No way. I can't do that for eternity"" He's shown the second room, where there are a bunch of people on a metal floor, standing on their heads. He thinks ""I definitely can't do that for eternity"" He's …

Walks Into A Bar... A Big Black Bear walks up to the Bartender and says ""Gimme a beer"" Bartender says ""No way, get out! We don't serve beers to big black bears in bars in Butte!"" Drunk woman at the end of the bar says ""You heard the man bear, get out!"" Bear says again ""I'm asking nicely, please give me a beer"" Bartender says ""No! I told you, we don't serve beers to big black bears in bars in Butte, so go away!"" Drunk woman at the end of the bar hiccups and says ""He told you bear, now …

Soviet Joke After Stalin's death, the Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission. The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery. ""Well,"" replies the British government, ""we do already have Karl Marx in England . . . Two such great masters in the one cemetery . . . That would be overdoing it a bit. . ."" So they tried the Germans. ""Well,…

A Bear walks into a bar in Butte... Walks up to the Bartender and says ""Gimme a beer"" Bartender says ""No way, get out! We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Butte!"" Drunk woman at the end of the bar says ""You heard the man bear, get out!"" Bear says again ""I'm asking nicely, please give me a beer"" Bartender says ""No! I told you, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Butte, so go away!"" Drunk woman at the end of the bar hiccups and says ""He told you bear, now jush get outta heeere…

Here is a Muslim Joke There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gon…

Two men in their 40's are discussing their wives ""After being married for 20 years she has gotten slack down there, how do deal with it?"" ""You should try it other hole!"" ""No way, I don't want another kid!""

Wife messaged to her husband During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that ""the Windows frozen"". Husband replied to pour some warm water on them. After a while husband received a message again ""No way, the computer is completely spoilt now""!

I was telling a friend how Jewish people call god by another name, and he was like ""No way!"", and I was like... ""No, seriously. They do.""

So a boy at the playground says his Aunt is a superhero... ""No way!"" The other kids exclaim, but he retorts: ""Yep. She went to the doctor and came back as a man. Now she's Aunt-Man!"" ...I'll show myself out.

Teenage Jesus won't go to bed. Mary, Mother of Jesus, is trying to get her son to go to bed and is having no luck. She decides to pray to God to help her in her task. She asks ""Dear God, our blessed child is restless and just won't stay tucked into bed, will you help me?"" God sighs and addresses Jesus ""My son, please listen to your mother and get some rest."" To which Jesus responds ""No way, Dad!"" God grins and replies ""Yaweh!""

Reply to ""Classic joke for our Muslim friends today"" Original Post :- There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then M…