#no-way

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says ""You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"" Paddy replies ""OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."" Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ""Shoite"" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. ""Shoite, Shoite!"" He looks to the doorway…

3 engineers are debating what kind of engineer God is The first, a mechanical engineer, says, ""He must be a mechanical engineer. Just think about a pitcher throwing a baseball 100mph, the forces are unreal. God has to be a mechanical engineer."" The second, an electrical engineer, says ""No way, he has to be an electrical engineer. Just look at the nervous system. All those complex impulses creating memories, movement, and thought. God has to be an electrical engineer."" Finally, the civil engi…

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks the man what he'll have to drink. Man replies, ""I'll take a Guinness."" The man looks down the row of the bar to see two drunk men being very loud. He hears the first man say to the other man, ""Aye, I like your accent. Where are you from?"" The second man replies, ""Me? I'm from Ireland."" to which the first man replies ""No way, I'm from Ireland too. Bartender 2 shots of Jameson and 2 Guinnesses"" The men share their drink toget…

His First Time With A Girl.. ** Stop me if you've heard this one ** ""Dude! How's it going?"" ""Excellent, just had an amaaaaaazing time with my girlfriend if you know what I mean!"" ""Ohhhhhh holy shiiiiiiiiiiit dude!"" ""Yeah man! It was... it was.... heaven..."" ""Daaaaaamn man! What happened!"" ""I showed it to her!"" ""FIIIIISSSHHH! And then?"" ""Then she was like 'I've done this before'. And I couldn't believe it."" ""WHATHEFAAAARK!!! So what did you do?"" ""So I didn't hesitate to stick i…

God and Moses were up in heaven when out of the blue Moses said God I really love heaven and find it really cool, but it is starting to get a bit boring up here. Why don't we go down to Earth and have some fun with the local girls down there? God looked at him sternly and said No way Moses, I did that 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it!

Best dad joke Dad goes to his son and says: ""Son I want you to marry a girl I have selected for you"". The son says ""No way"". The dad says, ""She's the daughter of Bill Gates"". The son says ""Ok then"". The father goes to Bill Gates and says: ""I want your daughter to marry my son"". Bill Gates says: ""No way"". The father says, ""He's the ambassador of the World Bank"". Bill Gates says ""Ok then"". The father goes to the World Bank head and says ""I want you to make my son the international…

Hell Joke - 3 Choices A guy ended up in hell after a long and sinful life. The devil met him and said ""Well this is hell, but you do have 3 choices"" The devil opens one door and shows him people burning in fire. The guy says - ""No way"". The devil opens a 2nd door to show him people freezing in ice. The guy says ""No Way."" Then the devil opens the third door and shows him people knee dip in shit, but enjoying a cup of coffee. The guy says ""Well I guess this will be it for me. Do I get coffe…

Silly one my dad told me in childhood So Tom and Terry are walking down a dirt road. ""Watch out Tom you're about to step in poop!"" *Crouching down ""No way, that's not poop"" ""Dude it definitely is! Just look at it"" ""I can't trust your eyes. I'll prove it"" Tom scoops up a handful and shovels it into his mouth. *Chuckling ""Would you look at that. It IS poop! Good thing I didn't step in it!""

My sister asked me to take off her clothes ;) 'No way! You're my sister!' 'But I incest.'

Two guys chatting in a bar...... They talk about their families, work, sports, and then they get onto the topic of hobbies. The first guy says, ""For a hobby I study spiders. I love spiders, I read about them, collect them, breed them"" ""Well I'm not so sure that's a great hobby"" says the second. ""You'd be surprised, they are fascinating, You can even train them"" ""No way! You cannot train a spider"" says the second.... ""You can, watch this"" says the first, as he reaches into his pocket. H…

Another man dies and goes to hell... Where the devil greats him and says ""You have to choose one of these rooms to spend all eternity in"" The devil leads the man down a seemingly endless hallway and opens the first door. Inside is a man being whipped across the back ""No way"" says the man, ""next room"". In the next room there is a man in 8 feet of water, just treading water, he looks awfully tired. ""I'm not a good swimmer"" he says, ""next room"". In the third room he sees Marilyn Monroe on…

Classic joke at my Catholic High School I went up to a man and said ""Jesus is the messiah"" He said ""No way"" I said ""Yah-weh""

A banker dies and his wife is making his funeral arrangements. The funeral director notices that the husband died at work and came to him in a nicely pressed, gray suit. ""Well,"" he said to the wife, ""why don't we just keep him dressed like this, since he looks so nice?"" ""No way,"" she replied, ""He looked better in blue. I've been trying for years to get him to wear a blue suit, so now I can finally have my wish. I don't care what it costs, just find a blue suit for him and put it on the bi…

There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........ when one says to the other. ""Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"" The second guy says ""No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty."" So his buddy says ""Suit yourself."" And goes to town eating the rotten frozen dead cat. He comes back about a half an hour later and says ""Man, I don't feel so good. I shouldn't…

A middle aged woman is standing in front of the mirror.. And asks her husband,""Honey, I want to get breast implants."" ""No way, my love, that is too expensive."" ""Ok, so what do you suggest I do then?"" She asked him. ""Well toilet paper had a pretty big effect on your ass, just rub some on your chest.""

The day after Stalin's death... ...the Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission. The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery. ""Well,"" replies the British government, ""we do already have Karl Marx in England ... Two such great masters in the one cemetery . . . That would be overdoing it a bit..."" So they tried the Germans. ""Well, we…

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and checks in. After a few days, the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan, on the telep…

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said ""No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."" ""OK,"" said the judge, ""then you want to live with your mother, right?"" ""No way!"" replied baby bear, ""She beats me worse than Papa bear does."" The judge was a bit…

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, ""I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"" ""I'll ask her,"" Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, ""Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"" ""No way!!,"" his bride retorted, ""If you sh…

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, ""I need a haircut."" The hairdresser checks her out and says, ""OK, sit down and take off your headphones."" ""No way!"" shouts the blonde, ""If I take off my headphones, I'll die!"" "" Then I can't give you a haircut,"" rep…

""Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?"" asked Jane's best friend. ""Why shouldn't I?"" said Jane. ""Well maybe he is having an affair?"" ""No way"" said Jane ""he never returns with any fish...""

Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one) Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up". Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other. Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!" Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too." Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have you got?" Guy takes another shot and says " Oh, about 75 cents."

A man dies and goes to hell. The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor. He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity" He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor. He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity" He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffe…

One wish A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?" The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!" The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?" The man thinks again and comes up w…

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke. There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No w…