#no-way

God and Moses God and Moses were up in heaven when out of the blue Moses said God I really love heaven and find it really cool, but it is starting to get a bit boring up here. Why don't we go down to Earth and have some fun with the local girls down there? God looked at him sternly and said No way Moses, I did that 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it!

A bartender is closing down his bar A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation. As the bartender cleans the last few glasses before he kicks the three men out, he decides it’s worth a shot to try to cheer these poor guys up. He goes up to them and asks what’s got them down. As it turns …

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan... He goes up to the lady behind the counter, and noticing her name tag, the frog says, "Hi, Mrs. Whack. I'd like to take out a loan." She says "Well I don't know. We don't normally give out loans to frogs." The frog says "Well, I want a loan." She says "alright, well what's your first name?" "Kermit." Laughing, the woman says "No way. You're not *Kermit the Frog*." "No, I'm not. But I'm named after him," says the frog. "And your last name?" "J…

Paddy had been drinking Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He loo…

Three men go to a ski resort... there aren't enough rooms left so they all share one room which only has one bed. In the morning the three men wake up, the one on the left says "I just had the most amazing dream" The man on the right replies "Really what happened?" "Well I just had the best dream hand job" "No way! I just had the same dream." To which the man in the middle responds "Hmm that's weird, I had a dream about skiing."

Two men are talking in a bar... ...the first man asks the other, "So where are you from?" The other man replies "Ireland." The first man replies "No way, me too! I'll drink to that." The two men down their beers. "So where in Ireland are you from?" the second man says. "Dublin." "No kidding, me too!" he replies. Once again, they down their drinks. "Where in Dublin did you live?" asks the first man. "Main Street, and yourself?" the other replies. "I lived on Main Street too! Cheers!" h…

Mike and Muhammad There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm go…

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't s…

A guy dies, and winds up in hell... A guy dies, and winds up in hell... Satan says, "You must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in." "Can I see the rooms first?" he asks.. "Certainly." and Satan shows him the first room, whee he sees a bunch of people, on a wooden floor, standing on their heads. He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity" He's shown the second room, where there are a bunch of people on a metal floor, standing on their heads. He thinks "I definite…

Two guys in a bar Two old men are sitting in a bar. One of them looks at the other & says “You look familiar… where you from?” The second old man replies “Ireland” The first old man looks astonished & says ” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!” The second old man then looks at the first “What city?” The first old man says “Dublin?” The second old man looks astonished “No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.” The first man looks at the second old ma…

A man stops another man on the street \- Oh my God, Robert! I almost didn't recognize you! You changed your hair, you changed your nose, you changed your moustache... \- Erm, I'm sorry sir, my name's not Robert, it's Richard. \- No way! You changed your name too?

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are muslim.'' Then Jack said ''No way, I won't say I'm muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. S…

Garbage can An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon,…

A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her. Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle? Girl: No. Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me. Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops. Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me. Girl: (Starts running) No way! Man: Okay, final offer, twenty dollars and a bag of candy. Girl: Look, Dad, you had to buy a Honda instead of a Harl…

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan on t…

A guy wandered over to a beautiful woman in a bar and started chatting to her. Soon he said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "That depends on how personal it is," she replied. "Okay," he said tentatively. "How many men have you slept with?" "No way am I going to tell you that!" she snapped. "That's my business!" "Oh, sorry," he said. "I didn't realize you made a living from it." A guy said to his friend: "Have you ever been to bed with an ugly woman?" The friend said: "No, but I'…

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go …

One summer afternoon, a chicken and a pig were strolling along and came across a church that was having an event for charity. Being good animals, they thought that they should offer to help in some way. “I've got an idea” said the chicken, “Let’s offer them something.” “Like what?” replied the pig. “How about Ham and Eggs?” said the chicken. “No way; to you that may be an offering but to me, that is a sacrifice!” said the pig as he ran away.