#ted

Friendship: because I've said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

Has Jack Johnson done a TED talk on chillaxing yet?

TED talk about staying in bed

"Here's Ted with the weather." "..." "I said... Here's Ted with the weather." "..." "Ted?" "THAT's what an unanswered text feels like, Sue."

Bob: Who is that? Me:That's Ted, he's the opposite of a hypochondriac.. Ted's arm falls off Ted: Hey guys! Bob: Holy shit! Ted: What, I'm ok

Ted: "Dad, why don't I have a middle name?" Dad: "Actually son, Ted is your middle name. Your first name is Adop"

[at TED talk] OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor? *entire crowd stands* No a MEDICAL doctor *entire crowd sits*

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You're fired. "Please, no. I can try harder." You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

*Giving TED talk* Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair! *he does and a mousetrap snaps* Me: trust no one *audience claps*

Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!

What you're feeling, Republicans, is the ghost of Ted Kennedy's nuts on your chin.

"Let's check in with Ted our correspondent in the field." Ted: "Hey Bob I've been in this field for about an hour, and I'm super bored."

Summer Dress (My first post) Hi. I thought of this while I was in the shower. Be warned I like corny jokes. So Farmer Bill is in the field waiting for his friend Farmer Ted to come and help till the land. Farmer Ted arrives, but there is something strange going on. He has his tilling instrument wrapped in a summer dress. Confused, Farmer Bill asks, ""Ted, what's with the summer Dress?"" Farmer Ted replies, ""Don't you know? It's this new thing I heard about. 'Hoe Couture'"" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ye…

Bill and Ted were at a bar... Bill asked, ""Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"" ""Dave is dead,"" said Ted. ""How?"" Ted said, ""Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."" ""What a terrible way to die!"" ""Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the frid…

The Pickup Artist Ted is sitting at the bar, chatting with the bartender. It's a good night, not too crowded, but a steady stream of customers. The door opens and a homely guy walks in. He takes a seat at the other end of the bar, orders a beer, and sits there sipping it. The bartender walks back, and Ted says, ""There's a guy who's leaving alone tonight!"" Even as he speaks, the hottest girl in the room walks up to the homely guy. They chat a minute, then leave arm-in-arm. ""Man!"", says Ted, "…

Teacher offers Monday absence to the students in a middle school class ...If anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase. So Sarah raises her hand, and says ""The sky is definitely blue."" Teacher tells her: ""That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"" After some silence, Ted raises his hand. ""The grass is definitely green"", he declares. ""Now that's an excellent one!"" The teacher declares. "…

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If.... ...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase. So Sarah raises her hand, and says ""The sky is definitely blue."" Teacher tells her: ""That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"" After some silence, Ted raises his hand. ""The grass is definitely green"", he declares. ""Now that's an excellent one!"" The teacher declares. ""But when i…

Bill and Ted happen upon 20 fine young ladies... SCORE!

Ted and Bill are riding thier horses down the cattle ranch When Ted spots a cow pie. He says to Bill ""I will give you 200 bucks to eat that cow pie."" and Bill responds ""200 bucks? Thats easy!"" so he jumps down and eats the cow pie right then. A few minutes later he sits up and Ted gives him his $200. Ted says ""well I'll be damned. I didn't think you'd do it!"" So they hop back on thier horses and continue for a while when Bill notices a cowpie. He says ""Hey Ted? I'll give YOU 200 bucks to …

Normally I find Ted Cruz's message to be more off point But last night he proved to be undoubtedly a more-on candidate and a moving speaker

Magnetizing I came up with this one in my head on a random day. Told it to some people, got good results, wonder what Reddit thinks? Sorry if this has been told before, but differently! So I was in class with my buddy. We're getting close to graduation. Thus, all the teachers are forcing us to watch the dreadful TED talks. I can't even remember what it was about. I looked at my buddy, and I said, ""wow this is so magnetizing!"" I proceeded to fall asleep. My friend wakes me up later and remarks,…

Some of you may be dismayed by Ted Cruz's recent annoucements But please remember that ""pulling out"" is the only acceptable way for a Christian to terminate a presidency

Why did Ted Cruz's father assassinate JFK? To get to the other side!

There are two guys named Ted One is near-Ted, the other is...