"Let's check in with Ted our correspondent in the field." Ted: "Hey Bob I've been in this field for about an hour, and I'm super bored."

What you're feeling, Republicans, is the ghost of Ted Kennedy's nuts on your chin.

GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!

Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.