#amy

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

[tv interview] I'm with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you? [cut to Amy crying] MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won't give you more than you can handle.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU'RE NOT THERE THAT'S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Log Entry 21: it's been 3 weeks & we're still lost in this Macy's. We were forced to eat Amy. Polo ties are now 40% off.

a proper response to girl calling "amy?" in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON'T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

Is that a banana in your pocket or have you been lying about your name being Amy?

[hs reunion] JANE: i'm an engineer TOM: i'm a real estate developer AMY: i'm a lawyer *everyone looks at me* ME: *panics* i'm a hospital

Amy Winehouse's final album was "recorded before her death." Thanks for the clarification.

Rupert Murdoch today said that he was very touched, by all the messages left on Amy Winehouses' phone.

THE BLONDE AND THE COW A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, ""'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy take…

Knock knock. Who's there? It's Amy. Amy who? It's amy, MARIO!

My gf told me to stop pretending i'm amy winehouse I said no, no, no

It's not Amy Schumer's fault that she steals... .. She probably picked it up from all the black guys she banged.

Knock Knock who's there? -it's a-me -Amy who? -it's a-me Mario.

Amy Schumer's track record for great comedy is at an all time career high right now. Hope it doesn't end in a **Trainwreck**

Sonic the Hedgehog... ...after 20 some-odd years, becomes tired of his lifestyle. He's bored with running around in circles, beating up crazy old men in their flying machines, and collecting gold that he loses all too soon. It just so happens that he crosses paths with a Buddhist monk who, upon hearing Sonic's woe, invites him to join the order. He explains that they are a peaceful, quiet group that promotes detachment from wealth. Sonic, of course, is intrigued, and he goes home to consider his…

A couple of friends are catching up after years apart. ""So I hear you've recently had a baby boy!"" Gushes Edna. ""We did!"" Responds Amy. ""Have you decided on a name yet?"" ""Funny story: with our first, Denise, my husband's brother wanted to name her. The name stuck, so when he asked again, we figured he'd pick another good one."" ""That's adorable! What'd he pick!"" Amy sighed. ""Denephew.""

Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print. Poor Tom. When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye. When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but he knew he has limits. He set his eye of Amy, a girl in his class, who spoke with a lisp. He walked up to her …

I heard this one at school today Jack and Amy both work for the same company. Their work is going fine until the economy falls and the company starts downsizing. The boss was given the option to fire one of them. He calls Amy into his office to break her the news. He says: ""I'll either have to lay you or Jack off"".

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, ""The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"" So the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long…

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, ""The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"" So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They…

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence... ...that contains the word "contagious." Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?" Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting…

A boy sits in class watching the clock when the teacher stands up in front of the class And tells the class since there isn't much time before the end of class and it was Friday she will play a game with them. She explains the rules. Teacher: Guess which president said the quote and you can leave early. The boy is excited this is his favorite subject and he knows he is going home early today. Teacher: "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country." The boy r…

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black." A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...th…