My roommate wouldn't let me name our wireless network 'Bill Wi the Science Fi' because he has no sense of humor.

Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist? Worker: You mean screws? Me: I don't know, I'm not a nail scientist. Worker....

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and- *chemistry set explodes* Mom: what was that?! God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

[press session regarding increase in shark bites] Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area? Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water