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Two grains of sand in the desert.. The first one turns around and says to his friend: ""Dude, I think we are being followed"". I'll see myself out.

An African man walks into a bar . .goes up to the bar, and tells the barman ""Great news! My wife just gave birth! the kid weighs 10ibs!"" ""Wow that's incredible, 10 ibs? have a round on the house!"" The next day the same African man comes into the bar again, and tells the barman the kid now weighs 5 ibs. "" . . .Wait"", says the barman ""How's that possible? Yesterday you said he weighed 10ibs"" ""Oh, . .oh no that's before we circumcised him""

What function puts you in the danger zone The LOG^^^gins function!

The Lama Joke There was a farmer, called Billy. Billy was a simple man, who never really cared much for farming as a child, but when his dad died he enherited the farm, and as he got older, the more he enjoyed it. For a vast majority of years he was a vegetable farmer, farming vegetables such as carrots and cabbages, potatoes and leeks. This was nice simple farming, no hassle. But as time went on and he reached his late 50s, he wanted more from farming, and decided that he wanted to rear some an…

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman... An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were all builders sitting at the top of their current construction site for lunch. The Englishman opened his sandwich and turned to the others to say: ""Bloody hell I've got Ham and Cheese again!"" The Irishman looks at his sandwich and says: ""Aye, I have tuna sandwiches yet again!"". Likewise, the Scotsman commented on his lunch: ""I've got egg as always!"" The three men exchanged looks before the Englishm…

My little cousin told me this one: There once was a woman who loved naming everything she owned. One day she bought a house and didn't know what to name it, so she said ""I'll sleep on it, and the first thing I see tomorrow morning will be the new name of my house!"" The next day she wakes up and rolls over. It was yard work day and her husband was outside. She saw him bending over with his big hairy butt hanging out of his pants, so she decided to name her house Hairy Butt. She got up to help h…

Lunches An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ""Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."" The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ""Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too."" The redneck opened his lunch and said, ""Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwi…

Two Non-Muslims Lost in the Desert... Bob and Steve two non-Muslims are lost wandering the desert. They see a mosque in the distance and they say ""Thank God, let's go ask for some food and water."" Bob says ""I'll say my name is Mohammed you say your name is Ahmed"". Steve says ""No I am using my real name."" They get to the mosque and Bob says ""Hi I am Mohammed."" Steve says ""I am Steve"". ""We got lost in the desert."" The Imam says ""Welcome Steve come have some food and water, and Mohamme…

A blonde, brunette, and ginger are walking through the desert... The brunette was carrying a bucket of fried chicken, the ginger was carrying bottles of water, and the blonde, a car door. They eventually come to an old man's house. The old asks the brunette ,""Where are you going with that fried chicken?"" She replies, ""If I get hungry, I can eat."" He asks the ginger, ""And what about you?"" She says, ""If I'm thirsty, I can drink it."" The old man turns to the blonde and asks, ""And why are y…

There are multiple prisoners in a Nazi concentration camp The commandant walks through the line of prisoners and instructs each one to act like a clock. The first prisoner says ""tick"", the second says ""tock"", and so on and so forth. However, the last prisoner refuses to make a ""tock"" sound. The commandant walks up to the prisoner and tells him, (German accent) ""You know we have ways of making you tock"".

A blond and a brunette jump off a building... The brunette wakes up in heaven but the blonde is no where in sight. About an hour later the blonde finally shows up. ""What took you so long?"" the brunette asks. The blonde simply replied ""oh, I had to stop and ask for directions."" This joke may be several decades late...

Here in Charlotte, NC, the forecast showed 6-8 inches of snow last night... The Queen City ended up getting only 2 inches at most. But that's okay - it's hardly the first time a lady was promised 7 inches that night and ended up disappointed.

So a guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender protests, but the guy says his dog can talk, and proceeds to demonstrate... ""Scooter, what's on top of the house?"" The dog says ""RUF! RUF!"" ""Scooter, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"" The dog says ""RUF! RUF!"" The bartender throws them out. They're sitting on the curb outside the bar, the dog looks at the guy and says... ""Hey, uh... you think I shoulda said DiMaggio?""

4 guys are on the golf course... One of the guys gets a phone call so he turns around and takes his call. Meanwhile the other 3 guys start talking about how successful their sons are. The first guy says, ""My son is so successful. He started out as a car salesman and he was so good at it he made enough money to open up his own dealership. Now he owns 4 car dealerships. In fact, he's making so much money that last year he bought his girlfriend a brand new car."" The 2nd guy says, ""Well that's no…

Two Frenchmen attempt to escape a POW camp... The pair break out of their cells and manage to reach the wire fence in the dead of night. As Pierre scales the fence he stumbles, alerting a nearby guard, who calls out ""Who's there?!"" ""Meow!"" Pierre shouts back, and he manages to creep away. Now Francois climbs the fence and he stumbles and the guard again called, 'Who goes there?' ""Another cat!""

Sodomy has been goin on at the farm The pig squelled

A Man Walks into a Bar... ...and sits down next to a drunk. To the bartender he proclaims, ""I would like a shot of 25 year-old scotch!"" ""Right away, sir!"" says the bartender. He reaches under the bar, pours a shot of 6 year-old scotch, and puts it on the bar. The customer picks it the glass, swirls it, gives it a sniff, sips it, and exclaims, ""That is NOT 25 year old scotch! That's 6 year-old scotch and not a day older! I asked for 25 year-old scotch!"" This gets the drunk's attention, as h…

So a Russian, a German, and a Puerto-Rican are in a desert . . . They each can bring one thing with them. The German says ""I vill bring Viener-schnitzel, for ven I become hungry!"" The Russian says ""I shall bring vodka, for I may become thirsty in the desert."" The Puerto-Rican brings a car door. The German asks ""Vhy vould you bring a car door?!"" The Puerto-Rican says ""If it gets cold, I roll the window up, if it gets hot I roll it down!"" ^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^not ^^^^^^racist ^^^^^^I ^^^^^^prom…

There was a huge flood in a city and a priest was stuck on the roof of his house... The water level was high enough to drown the whole house. The priest was praying at this difficult hour. A while later, a man who is rowing a wooden door comes to the priest and offers him for help, 'come with me father. This door can hold both of us. You are not safe here.' The priest replies, 'You are very generous child. But I have my faith in the Lord. I am sure he has a plan for me.' The man leaves the Pries…

A white collar is watching two blue collars. While looking out of his window, Jack the IT guy sees two construction workers in the park. Both of them have shovels. Jack watches the first dig a hole about eight feet deep, three feet wide. After he's all done, the other worker proceeds to take all the soil the first worker dug up and replant it right afterwards. All in all, it takes about twenty minutes for the workers to finish their job. Afterwards, they move a few yards down... And do the exact…

Tough shit Amigo! A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. ""Good man,"" the fairy said, ""I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."" The man told the fairy, ""Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."" The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PI…

Four Jewish brothers left home for college: one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a hedge find operator, and one a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said, ""I had a big house built for Mama."" The second said, ""I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."" The third said, ""I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a 600SL with a chauffeur."" Th…

If I owned my own strip club, I'd probably name it 'The Museum' 'Cause, you know, no touching. If 'The Museum' worked out, I might open another one and call it ""Blue Balls."" Pretty self explanatory.

Old-School off-beat joke A man walks into a talent agency with a dog, he says to the guy ""You're gonna love this! My dog can talk!"" He turns to his dog and says ""What's on top of everyone's house?"" The dog says ""Roof!"" ""Who's the greatest baseball player to ever live?"" The dog says ""Roof!"" The talent agent says ""I've seen enough! Get out of here!"" and he throws the man and the dog out. The man looks at the dog. The dog looks up at him and says, ""What, you think I should have said Di…

Two men are hunting in the woods... One of them peers through his scope and says, ""Hey, I can see your house!"" The second guy says ""Cool, what do you see?"" The first guy replies ""I see your wife cheating on you with another man!"" Then the second says ""I'm sick of her shit; shoot her in head, and as for the man... shoot him in the privates."" The first guy replies, ""I can make that in one shot.""