#london

Let’s have a drink together After a Beer Festival in London, several brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one …

18 pounds at birth A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 18 pounds, but the man just shrugs and says, "Aye, that's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy." Two weeks later the Scot returns to the same…

Murphy's Pub **Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”** **The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”** **The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”** **The other bloke answers, “Im from Dublin, I am.”** **The first one responds, “So am I!”** **“Mother Mary and begorra. And what street did you live…

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran” A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash. The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dres…

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success. George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events. But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the most unusual thing just happened to be the ancient Romans…

I lost 50 pounds in the past month Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate? So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance. The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?" The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!" The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!" The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" The Pope is flabbergasted, "What d…

Scottish Intelligence A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, …

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines. Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London. Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o…

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, " I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you…

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided

There was a man in London who drove a train for a living There was a man in London who drove a train for a living.

A Muslim hailed a London cab. He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio

Shortly after the Revolutionary War the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

Statistics show that someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in London Poor bastard

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents

Apparently in London someone gets stabbed every 50 seconds

I'd never been on a London double decker didn't have any money but told the driver I was dying to get on

The sassy student When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London

Big Shit On a BA flight from Delhi to London

Mattress and Panties Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.

I lost 70 pounds last month I got mugged in London

A tired american soldier is on a train to london The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her ""may I please have that seat"

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

A tired American solider An American solider serving in WWII had just returned from intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted the R&R and was on a train bound London. The train was very crowded