#london

An English Girl.. WIFE: ""I'm going to LONDON. What gift do you want?"" HUSBAND: ""An English girl."" After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: ""Where is my gift?"" WIFE: ""Wait for nine months!""

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephan…

I was in a London pub last Friday night ...and noticed two chubby women by the bar. They had very strong accents, so I asked, ""Are you two ladies from Scotland?"" One of them turned to me and yelled, ""It's WALES you cunt!"" I said, ""oh, I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?""

A foreigners understanding of Romney - aka homeless people around the world A homeless man is sitting in London, spreading shit on a piece of bread and the Prime Minister walks by and says: Oh, you are so poor, have some money."" A homeless man is sitting in Moscow, spreading shit on a piece of bread and Medvedev walks by and says: Oh, you are so poor, have some meal tickets."" A homeless man is sitting in Washington, spreading shit on a piece of bread and Romney walks by and says: THINNER, THIN…

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of the conductor's score, to alert them so they can get back in time. Performance night rolls around, and the curtains roll up…

(NAME) is a terrific athlete. He recently ran the London Marathon he was aiming for 3 hours but just missed it! he made it in 3 hrs 150 minutes

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, ""Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."" The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, ""I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."" The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, ""I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spri…

An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. ""Look here, old chap, what are you doing?"" the officer asked. ""I'm sorry,"" the American replied, but I really gotta go."" ""You can't do that here,"" the officer told him. ""Look, follow me."" …

Q: Why is the letter E like London? A: Because it is the capital of England.

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a 1937 silver bentley to the edge of London where they boarded an open 17th century coach that was hitched to 6 magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their sides and waiving to the thousands lining the streets, all was going well. What a glorious display of pagentry and …

A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, ""May I help you, Sir?"" ""Yes,"" replied the customer, ""I would like to buy a pound of lox."" ""No. No,"" responded the dignified salesperson, ""You mean smoked salmon."" ""Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."" ""Anything else?"" ""Yes, a dozen blintzes."" ""No. No. You mean crepes."" ""Okay, a dozen crepes."" ""Anything el…

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, ""Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, ""I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, ""I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring …

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. ""You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"" The Englishman said, ""Very sporting of your mother.""

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. ""Begorrah, Colleen,"" says her mother. ""Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"" Colleen replies, ""Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"" When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few mo…

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street,…

Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the capital of England.

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in…

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York, and as she gave the agent her luggage, she stated, ""I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."" The confused agent said, ""I'm sorry, we can't do that."" ""Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!""

Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. What is that asked one of the Yank's. Why that is Buckingham Palace answered the taxi driver. Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there and that. That is the Post Office Tower. Oh our towers are much bigger. This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. Our buildings are much bigger than that one too. I thought it might be said the taxi driver That is the mental institute

Windsor castle outside of London is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed tourist whined ""Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?""

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bridget ! Bridget who ? London Bridget is falling down falling down... !

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out and she was asked how she pleaded. ""Not guilty"" the woman answered emphatically. The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: ""Is it true that on the 11th of December last year you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London in a blizzard?"" The woman co…

Which Lord Mayor of London was always on the Internet? Click Whittington

A Texan a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease'' says the waiter. The Texan says ''What's a shortage?'' The Russian says ''What's a steak?'' The New Yorker says ''What's excuse me?''

What dog is always tired in London? An English sleep dog.