#moscow

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom.

Another Soviet Joke In a small town outside Moscow a very proud primary school teacher began the Monday the same was she began every monday: by asking the students what they did to help their fellow comrads in the glorious Soviet Union. She turned to Illya Ivanovich. ""Illya Ivanovich, what did you do today to help the Collective?"" Illya thought a moment and replied, ""Well, Katerina Maximovna, I helped an old woman cross the street."" ""Wonderful,"" his teacher replied, ""you truly helped your…

The Vodka Bottle A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, ""Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."" The Russian begins thinking, ""Well, I really like drinking vodka."" Finally the Russian says, ""I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."" The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the…

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, ""What will it be like once we have built communism?"". The Party man replied, ""The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money"". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. ""Comrades"", he said, ""We have built communism at last!""

A talmudist goes to Moscow... After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and he thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewis…

Poor Russians A Russian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. ""I see you have no vegetables today"" ""No,"" said the shopkeeper, ""this is a butcher shop. It's meat we haven't got. The shop with no vegetables is further down the street.""

Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively speaking An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade t…

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. ""I think it's raining,"" he says to his wife. ""No, that feels like snow to me, dear,"" she replies. Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them. ""Let's not fight about it,"" the man says. ""Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."" ""It's raining, of course"" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on. But the woman insists, ""I know that felt like snow."" To which th…

A hostel in USSR A banker went to Moscow, and he stayed in a hostel on Moscow's outskirts. Only available room has three other people in it - a group of friends. He had a very important meeting the next day, but his roommates were loud; drinking, playing cards and telling jokes about communism, Lenin, Stalin and USSR. The banker, tired and sleepy, went to the reception. ""I'd like to order four teas to room 16, in 10 minutes"" he said to porter. Back in his room, he said loudly: ""Comrades, I he…

A man was walking down a street in Moscow at night A soviet soldier called out for the man to halt but the man started running, so the soldier shot him. The other soldier on duty asks the former, ""Why'd you do that?"" ""Why it's curfew,"" the soldier said. ""Well it's not curfew yet!"" his partner said. ""I know- he's a friend of mine. I know where he lives and he couldn't have made it in time.""

a Russian man goes to a job interview A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited ""sir, you have a brilliant record!"" and the accountant responds ""I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper""

Why did the two men from Moscow get escorted out from the concert? Because they wouldn't stop Russian the stage...

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo. The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, ""Do you have protection?"", but it's too late. Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents. They ask how it's possible. ""It's an accident!"" she swears. Her father goes and finds Sergey …

An old russian joke A train packed with passengers is going from Moscow to Petersburg. Two men happen to be in the same section, one on the to shelf, one on the bottom. The one sleeping on the bottom shelf wakes up because of a terrible stench. He realizes large pieces of shit are falling on him from the top shelf. He tries to dodge them, secreaming at the top of his voice: -Mister! Sir! Wake up, you shit yourself while sleeping! The guy on the top shelf nonchalantly turns over to face the victi…

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in the USA? Yes. In the USA you can stand in front of the White House and shout ""Down with Reagan!"", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell ""Down with Reagan!"", and you will still not be punished. (Alternate punchline: Yes, but the USA also permits freedom after speech.)

The Irish Spy A Russian agent is told he is to be sent on a Top Secret mission, where he will rendezvous with Murphy, the Irish spy on the shore of County Donegal. He is told that when he meets Murphy the code phrase is 'The Sun rises slowly over Moscow'. The next morning the agent is delivered, at 5 am, on the shore of county Donegal, the submarine disappears into the Atlantic. The agent looks around but Murphy is nowhere to be seen, the agent then happens to look up on the road and sees a man …

A Soviet composer is looking at his notes in Moscow... ... and a soldier oversees the symbols and assumes he's a spy communicating in a form of code. The composer is arrested and brought to the Gulag where he pleads ""Please, it's just Tchaikovsky's violin concerto!"". Later that day he is brought to an interrogation room and sits down, a Soviet officer walks in and smugly announces ""Well, you better speak up now, we have caught your friend Tchaikovsky and he is telling us everything!""

The Soviet Constitution (this is a joke from the time of the USSR, not mine, but I liked it) A Soviet diplomat visits the United States, and is shocked to hear people speaking their mind freely about their government. When he asks an American how he can do so, he replies: ""Our Constitution allows for freedom of speech."" Remembering that the Soviet constitution also allowed for freedom of speech, the diplomat went back to Moscow and started insulting the government, and was immediately arrested…

I was thinking about moving to Moscow But there's no point in Russian to things.

bear hug Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's tur…

'What will communism be like?' Russian joke One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, ""What will it be like once we have built communism?"". The Party man replied, ""The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money"". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. ""Comrades"", he said, ""We have built communism at last!"" Not …

A man from Moscow decides to move to a new collective farm in Siberia. His family is excited at the possibility of leaving their cramped flat in the city for a nice country house, but they have heard mixed things about the new Siberian farms so the man agrees to go on his own first, and write back to let them know if they should follow him or not. They know the government censors will read the letter, so they agree in advance to use a simple code: anything written in blue ink is true, but anythi…

Indian Prime Minister Two diplomats are riding in a limousine in Moscow, an Indian and a Russian, discussing state business. The Russian says to the Indian, ""Ram, I like you, but my superiors say the deal can't go through. They don't want to be associated with your country. They tell me it's filthy and the citizens just shit on the streets."" ""That is not true!"" exclaims the Indian, ""We are very fastidious...in fact, you're not one to talk, isn't that someone shitting on your fine sidewalk?"…

Trying to buy things in Soviet Russia. (not my own creation, just ran into them and I think they should be told a lot) There was this old grandfather in Moscow who was a little confused. His neighbors knew that, so when they saw him standing outside his door with an empty shopping bag, they tried to help: ""Grandpa, what are you doing?"" ""Ah, sorry, I forgot. Do you know if I'm going out shopping or have I already returned?"" They could tell him that he wasn't away yet, so he went to see if the…

Why doesn't Russia import water buffalo? Because they already have Moscow.