#soviet-union

Eastern Europe - 1989 "If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive"

Cold War So at the height of the cold war, the US and the Soviet Union competed against each other during the Space Race. However, both countries were soon faced with a serious dilemma: how could astronauts write report in space, floating in zero-g? The Americans invested 100 million dollars into a research project that lasted for two years and monopolized the best and the brightest of the American scientists. They created a pen that could write in space, under extreme temperatures, under the se…

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, ""What will it be like once we have built communism?"". The Party man replied, ""The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money"". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. ""Comrades"", he said, ""We have built communism at last!""

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted. Whoops, wrong sub.

Hero of the Soviet Union [[ Here's a joke from Soviet Russia. ""Hero of the Soviet Union"" was the highest distinction awarded. ]] A fisherman catches a wish-granting goldfish. The goldfish tells him to wish for anything. ""I want to be a Hero of the Soviet Union"", he says. A moment later, the fisherman finds himself in Kursk. There are 5 Panzers approaching, and he has three grenades.

You know there is a ten year delay in the Soviet Union for the delivery of an automobile... ...and only one out of seven families in the Soviet Union own automobiles. There is a 10 year wait, and you go through quite a process when you are ready to buy, and then you put up the money in advance. This man laid down the money, and the fellow in charge said to him: Come back in 10 years and get your car. The man answered: Morning or afternoon? And the fellow behind the counter said: Ten years from n…

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in the USA? Yes. In the USA you can stand in front of the White House and shout ""Down with Reagan!"", and you will not be punished. Equally, you can stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell ""Down with Reagan!"", and you will still not be punished. (Alternate punchline: Yes, but the USA also permits freedom after speech.)

[Long] A Polish farmer... During WWII a Polish farmer is tilling his field when he finds a lamp. He picks up the lamp and rubs off the dirt when a genie pops out. The genie says ""Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will give you three wishes."" ""Ok"" says the farmer, ""for my first wish I want the Mongols to come to Poland and then turn around and leave."" The genie seems puzzled but grants the wish. The Mongols come to Poland burning and pillaging their way there. Once they a…

Can of sardines in Soviet Union A man in the 80s in Soviet Union buys a can of sardines. He opens it and it's empty, but there is a little note in it: ""Not a winner""

I asked a comedian what performing in the Soviet Union was like. Apparently, back then, it was all about the execution.

During World War 2, the Soviet Union had a group of very skilled snipers. The six members of the group accumulated 318 kills in under a week. While they were celebrating their achievements, they were captured by the Germans and were forced to work for them. They fought for the Germans for one week, but during that week, they weren't able to kill a single enemy soldier despite shooting their rifles countless times. A general who was disappointed, asked them why they can't kill anyone. One sniper …

'What will communism be like?' Russian joke One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, ""What will it be like once we have built communism?"". The Party man replied, ""The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money"". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. ""Comrades"", he said, ""We have built communism at last!"" Not …

An old joke told in the Soviet Union wheelbarrow factories... Every other Friday a guard at the wheelbarrow factory saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay. The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire from the wheelbarrow factory. When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: ""I know you are stealing something from the whe…

The Soviet Union won't ever rise again? What a bunch of Bolshevik.

In the 1950's.... The Americans trained spies from birth to enter the Soviet Union and find out information. They had trained one American for 20 years, taught him the culture, the language, food, and their general way of life. By the time the American was 21, they had shipped him off to Moscow. As soon as he got off in Moscow, the Soviets immediately found out that he was an American spy. ""How did you find out?"" The spy asked. A Soviet replies ""Foolish American, there are no black people in …

My Russian History Professor told us an old Soviet Union joke Brezhnev dies and goes to hell (responsible for era of Soviet economic stagnation) where he meets the Devil. The Devil says: ""You've been a bad man, Mr. Brezhnev. I'm going to show you three doors, a different eternal punishment behind each, and you must choose your fate."" Three large wooden doors materialize; The Devil opens the first to reveal Hitler being boiled alive in a huge cauldron. Brezhnev says: ""That looks too painful, l…

Classic Russian Reversal Old one, but I still find it funny: In America, you go out to find a party. In Soviet Union, party finds you!

A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today... It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question. ""OK class."" Said the American teacher, ""If I had three oranges, and I divided them fairly between four children, how many oranges would each child receive?"" Most of the children in his clas…

My all-time favorite Soviet joke > IT IS LIKE THE SOVIET JOKE about Rabinovitch, a Jewish man who wants to emigrate. The bureaucrat at the emigration office asks him why, and Rabinovitch answers: ""There are two reasons. The first is that I'm afraid that in the Soviet Union, the communists will lose power, and the new power will put all the blame for communist crimes on us, Jews there will again be anti-Jewish pogroms ..."" ""But"", interrupts the bureaucrat, ""this is pure nonsense, nothing…

The parrot and the KGB One day in Soviet Russia, a parrot flies over a village squawking loudly: 'The Soviet Union is shit! Death to the Communist Party!'. The KGB is rapidly informed, and they start to investigate who owns a parrot in the area. They find out that there is only one parrot owner in the area, so they go and knock on his door. KGB agents: Hi, do you own a parrot? Man: Yes I do. KGB agents: Could we see it? Man: Certainly, please come in. They walk in and follow the man to the kitch…

A joke from the Soviet era Reagan is visiting the Soviet Union and arrives at the Ukrainian city of Odessa. Expecting a warm welcoming party by the people of the city, he is both shocked and offended that no one is greeting him at the city gates. The embarrassed Soviet officials scramble to find someone to fire the ceremonial cannon announcing the visit of the leader of the second most powerful nation in the world. The cannon is fired and after a brief pause, a lonely window opens in a nearby bu…

A Russian man comes across an old vodka bottle When he picks it up and opens it, a genie appears. ""Thank you so much for releasing me! Now let me do something for you. How would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?"" The man consents. All of the sudden, he finds himself on a battlefield facing eight German tanks with eight grenades.

Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites) A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and adds the woman's name to the long waiting list. ""Come back two years from now on March 17th,"" he says. The woman consults her cale…

In the bad old days on the Soviet Union, a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said ""I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!"" The judge said to him ""you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."" -heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history I knew he was a demagogue. When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire I knew he was a dangerous kook. When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation. When the Soviet Union went broke dissolved and repudiated its past I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius and that fool Reagan had noth…