#ivan

A Russian and a German died and went to hell The Devil greets them and tells them ""You know guys, hell is kind of full right now, so I tell you what: I'll give each of you a dog and three crates of sausage and when I come back a month from now, the one who teaches the dog a better trick can go to purgatory"". A month has passed and the Devil goes to check up on the German. He sees that the dog is quite plump and the man has lost a lot of weight. ""Ok show me your trick"" he says. The German hol…

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, ""What will it be like once we have built communism?"". The Party man replied, ""The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money"". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. ""Comrades"", he said, ""We have built communism at last!""

An old joke from Soviet Russia during Stalins great purge Ivan and Masja had just gone to sleep when someone banged loudly and on the door and screamed their names. Knowing how KGB made their arrests in the middle of the night Ivan told his wife to hide while he got the door. She anxiously hid under the bed when Ivan came back. ""Relax Masja"" he said, ""there is no need to be worried"" ""It was just Osip telling us our house is on fire""

an old Russian man wants to visit a friend in germany an old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and after a while, they reach the Latvian border. a man stops them and asks for passports. He asks in broken Russian ""your names?"" the man responds ""…

bear hug Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's tur…

North Korea Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they're bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: ""Ivan, jump!"" Sobbing, Ivan says: ""Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home..."" Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away. Next, it's Kim Jong Il's …

My girlfriend and I used to argue in bed... I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish, and she liked to sleep with a Russian body-builder called Ivan.

'What will communism be like?' Russian joke One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, ""What will it be like once we have built communism?"". The Party man replied, ""The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money"". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. ""Comrades"", he said, ""We have built communism at last!"" Not …

Loyal Guards Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards. First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, ""Ivan, jump down."" Ivan replied in tears, ""Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."" Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out. Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee starte…

Pavlov's doorbell One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: ""Shit, I need to feed the dogs!""

Ivan, 12, after breaking the vase and realizing he'll be punished anyway, sold the TV, got high and ordered some escorts.

I hear Apple have released a line of people movers They call it Ivan

From Russia with love (Cold War Edition) Vlad and Ivan are hero KGB agent, and Glorious Komrade Kommander Igor is soon to celebrate day of birth, present required. Much debate on gift as date is near, tension high. Vlad says ""I know, we give Glorious Komrade Kommander book."" ""No, no is no good"" replies Ivan, ""Glorious Komrade Kommander already have book.""

Divining rod Ivan, a man living in rural Russia, was quite well known in his community for success in locating groundwater for wells. He utilized a divining rod, but in quite an abnormal way--rather than holding it in his hands he balanced it on his nose, walking whichever way it leaned until it finally fell. Wherever it landed, they dug, and they found water every time. The story made its way to the US and it wasn't long before a journalist was on her way to interview Ivan. ""What is your secre…

Don't get pulled over in Eastern Europe Ivan gets pulled over by traffic police, so he tells them the usual sob story about how he's very poor, he can't pay the ticket etc. etc. So at first the cops are like okay give us some money, we'll make it go away. Ivan though won't back down and tells them how he's been laid off recently from the banitza factory, his mother in law is trying to convince his wife to divorce him and take the kids away etc. etc. So the cops relent and ask that he only buys t…

Moscow, winter of 1943. Among hundreds of people, Ivan and Sasha wait in line for bread. Finally, after 4 hours the baker comes out and says ""We have orders from the Party to reduce rations so all Jews go home! No bread for you today!"" Queue is thinning as about a hundred or so people leave reluctantly. Wind intensifies, starts snowing, after another 4 hours, baker: ""Some of the flour is compromised so all those who are not Party members go home! Queue halves. Another 4 hours pass, terrible c…

Two Russians were walking through the woods... And they came across a pile of brownish muck. ""Look like dogshit?"" asks Commander Igor. ""Ya! Look like dogshit!"" answers Ivan. ""Smell it!"" commands Igor. Ivan gets down and takes a whiff. ""Smell like dogshit?"" asks Igor. ""Ya! Smells like dogshit!"" ""Taste it!"" growls Igor. ""Huh?"" protests Ivan. ""**Taste it!**"" yells Igor. Ivan takes a bit on his finger, puts it in his mouth with a scowl, and spits. Igor asks ""Taste like dogshit?"" ""…

Communist Russia wins the space race Teacher: Ivan, tell us, who was the first country to land people on the Moon? Ivan: It was our mother Russia, Comrade! Teacher: Very good, Ivan! And what did the first Russian cosmonauts find on the Moon? Ivan: The American flag, Comrade!

Regular Russia, not the Soviet one Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, ""This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America."" Igor responses, ""Why do think America would be any better."" Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, ""Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the ca…

An American and a Soviet die and go to hell... Satan meets them at the gate. "Just for fun, I'ma give you two both a choice. You can either go to American or Soviet hell." "What's the difference, trucker?" asks Arlo Freedom. "Would they not simply be the 2010s versions of our countries?" entreats Ivan Dmitrovich. "Not really," Satan croons. "American hell is basically your normal life, only you have to eat a bucket of horseshit every day. "Soviet hell is the same, only you eat two bucke…

Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race. Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border. Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won. "I told you I would win!" said Ivan. "You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line."

Not Another Russian Joke! Three poor souls are languishing in Gulag and have violated the camp curfew. The punishment for the this is 10 lashes across the back. The camp warden is a somewhat compassionate and he allows the three to choose one item to place on their backs to minimize the injury. The first prisoner was a German scientist and, thinking himself brilliant, asked that they spread motor oil across his back, hoping the lubrication would cause the whip to slide off rather than stic…

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire... The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game. First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria: * A. Sofia * B. Moscow * C. London * D. Paris Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience." The host is stunned, but just goes with it. The results of the vote are as expected - 100% for **A. Sofia**. The contestant says he’ll trust the audience and answe…

Two Russians Vlad and Ivan

What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common? The same middle name. (Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)