#ussr

"How'd the date go?" Not good. Too many red flags. *Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags* I think she might be a communist.

Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We're just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.

Best submarine As the Cold War is ending, peacetalks are being held between the USA and the USSR. Two sailors, one Soviet and one US, are sharing cigarettes and are looking at the grand show of military power from a nearby pier. The American boast about the US navy: (with a thick Texan accent) **""Our submarines are state of the art and can stay submerged for weeks at a time! There is nothing that you reds could do about it!""** The soviet sailor replies: (in heavily accented English) *""HA! Our…

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, ""What will it be like once we have built communism?"". The Party man replied, ""The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money"". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. ""Comrades"", he said, ""We have built communism at last!""

Michele Bachmann vowed to dismantle the US embassy in Iran, which hasn't existed since the 80s. She also promised to crack down on the USSR, support East Germany, and reestablish ties with the Holy Roman Empire. [x-post from r/headlinejokes](http://www.reddit.com/r/headlinejokes/comments/mweiw/michele_bachmann_vowed_to_dismantle_the_us/)

At the rise of the USSR.... Vodka prices were raised. One day a man came home, and was complaining about it. In response his daughter asked, ""Daddy, does this mean you're gonna drink less?"" he responded, ""no this means you're gonna eat less.""

Do you know why the USSR fell nearly overnight? Because they stopped Stalin and were Russian!

Superpoer Friend: If you could only own one super power what would it be? Me: USSR

A hostel in USSR A banker went to Moscow, and he stayed in a hostel on Moscow's outskirts. Only available room has three other people in it - a group of friends. He had a very important meeting the next day, but his roommates were loud; drinking, playing cards and telling jokes about communism, Lenin, Stalin and USSR. The banker, tired and sleepy, went to the reception. ""I'd like to order four teas to room 16, in 10 minutes"" he said to porter. Back in his room, he said loudly: ""Comrades, I he…

With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.

The Soviet Constitution (this is a joke from the time of the USSR, not mine, but I liked it) A Soviet diplomat visits the United States, and is shocked to hear people speaking their mind freely about their government. When he asks an American how he can do so, he replies: ""Our Constitution allows for freedom of speech."" Remembering that the Soviet constitution also allowed for freedom of speech, the diplomat went back to Moscow and started insulting the government, and was immediately arrested…

What is a difference between those who left USSR for Canada in 1972 and those who left USSR in and after 1991. In 1972, people ran from Socialism, and in 1991 into Socialism.

'What will communism be like?' Russian joke One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, ""What will it be like once we have built communism?"". The Party man replied, ""The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money"". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. ""Comrades"", he said, ""We have built communism at last!"" Not …

What's USSR favourite Pink Floyd's Album? The Wall. pls don't pitchfork me

Nobody told jokes in the USSR... Because in Soviet Russia, jokes tell you.

Some joke my dad told me a long time ago What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to? Barbers.

Why did the USSR have such a bad air force? They kept Stalin.

What did you do in the war? USSR, september, 1945. A teacher asks his class what were they doing during the war. Little Masha said she was helping nurses in a hospital, little Boris says he worked in a factory. Little Vova said he was helping artillerists by bringing them shells. Amazed, the teacher asks if the soldiers ever said anything to him. -Yes, they would smile and say ""zer gut, Voldemar!""

In the 1950's.... The Americans trained spies from birth to enter the Soviet Union and find out information. They had trained one American for 20 years, taught him the culture, the language, food, and their general way of life. By the time the American was 21, they had shipped him off to Moscow. As soon as he got off in Moscow, the Soviets immediately found out that he was an American spy. ""How did you find out?"" The spy asked. A Soviet replies ""Foolish American, there are no black people in …

The USSR is sending a Jewish spy into the Nazi Germany. He is told - 'Rosenberg, here's a bunch of antinazi propaganda leaflets. You have you distribute them among the Germans'. After a couple days Rosenberg goes missing and is assumed dead. A month later he returns all dirty but with a pile of money and says - 'I never had to sell such an unpopular product'.

What did Gorbachev say when the USSR collapsed? ""So ve it.""

I think that, in the space race, the U.S.S.R. got to Mars first. Because mars is the red planet.

Why did the USSR agree to a nonaggression pact with Nazi Germany? They were Stalin.

My favorite Yakov Smirnoff joke about the good old USSR. In America you find the party. In Russia the party finds you. Edit: in reference to the soviet party