#kgb

Q. ""Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?"" A. ""One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.""

So, the KGB walks into a bar... ...and they start, uh... they... I, uh... I don't know. I didn't see *anything*; I swear!

""I already know Russian"" A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says ""What are you reading old man?"" The old man says ""I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."" KGB says ""Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done."" ""I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven."…

The CIA and KGB are in a contest to see who are the better spies They are both given a patch of forest and told there is a rabbit there that they must find. The CIA spends millions of dollars on informants among the other woodland animals. They set up fancy equipment and video cameras. They invent a new rabbit detector. After a week of trying they can't find the rabbit and announce that there never was a rabbit. The KGB sends two men into the forest. They emerge 15 minutes later with a bear that…

Impenetrable A Russian spy was told to try and infiltrate a top secret American research facility. The facility's name was Advanced Reconnaissance Manually Operated Robotics or A.R.M.O.R. HE was a deep cover agent so he was there for about 10-20 years stealing over a thousand diagrams and info for the Russians. The leader of the KGB (this was in the 60's) threw him a congratulatory dinner when he got back. The leader asked him ""how the hell did you get all these secret's? ""You were one of twen…

Russian Joke Pt. 2 So the KGB kidnap three Russians for interrogation. They walk up to the first Russian and ask ""what do you think of our great leader Stalin"" to which the Russian says ""Oh, he is terrible leader, ruin country and economy.."" *shot* They then walk up to the second Russian and ask ""what do you think of our great leader Stalin"". HE is to scared to answer so says nothing. The KGB officer then says ""You have no praise for our great leader"" *shot* The officer then walks up to …

Intelligence Services Contest There once was a contest to determine the best Intelligence Service in the world. The rules were simple. Each team takes turns to go into a forest and bring out a lion. The fastest team wins. The MI5 went first and with their superior abilities manage to flush out a lion in about a week. The CIA rose to the challenge and using their world class equipment and tactics flush out the beast in about 3 days. The KGB goes last and nothing happens for a week. Everyone one w…

Programming in the Cold War In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information. One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, ""Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!"" The commander was skeptical. ""How do you know?"" ""I broke into their r…

The parrot and the KGB One day in Soviet Russia, a parrot flies over a village squawking loudly: 'The Soviet Union is shit! Death to the Communist Party!'. The KGB is rapidly informed, and they start to investigate who owns a parrot in the area. They find out that there is only one parrot owner in the area, so they go and knock on his door. KGB agents: Hi, do you own a parrot? Man: Yes I do. KGB agents: Could we see it? Man: Certainly, please come in. They walk in and follow the man to the kitch…

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites. MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said ""OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit.""

True happiness Three men, an American, a Frenchman and a (Soviet) Russian are having a chat about real happiness. The American says, ""I will tell you what real happiness is. It is a loving wife, well behaved kids and a steady job with good pay so I can afford a nice house, a big car and a big television to watch football. That is all I need to get real happiness."" The Frenchman scoffs, ""That is so boring and bourgeouis. Real happiness is having a lot of friends to drink fine wine with, and ha…

""Telling jokes about the KGB was thought to be like pulling the tail of a tiger..."" A frightened man came to the KGB ""My talking parrot disappeared."" ""This is not our case. Go to the criminal police."" ""Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot."" More Russian political jokes here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_political_jokes

Knock, Knock... Who's there? The K.G.B. The K.G.B. wh... **SLAP**! WE are K.G.B., WE will ask questions!!

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites. MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the fore…

The Russian brothers hear the propaganda about Siberia... how beautiful the weather is, how the shops are stocked with all necessities and luxuries, and prices are low. Boris worries "Maybe they're just saying that to get people to move out there and work in the salt mines. How can we tell?" Vladimir thinks a while, and comes up with an idea. "Hey! How about I move out there, and I'll write home and tell you how it really is!" Boris is pessimistic. "Suppose the censors see it? …

Kennedy's USSR joke A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot". The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison. 3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.

Programming during the Cold War In the 1960's the KGB was very interested in learning everything possible about the American space program, sending all sorts of spies to find every possible piece of information. One afternoon, a breathless spy returned to headquarters with a page of paper in his hand, excitedly shouting to his superior, "Comrade! Comrade! The Americans are using Lisp to write their rocket launching software!" The commander was skeptical. "How do you know?" "I broke into thei…

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by the KGB The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything. Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to know. The KGB finally comes for the Italian. The Englishman and the Frenchman wait for hours, wondering what has become of thei…

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB. A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition. The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years. The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years. The KGB team goes next. They hold the m…

The Job Interview Three men were sitting in the waiting room waiting to be interviewed. The first man was called in. "Mr. Azarov, this is a job opening doing wetwork for the KGB. We need to test your loyalty and your determination. In the next room is your wife. Kill her." The interviewer pushes a pistol across the desk. Mr. Azarov stands up and pushes the pistol back to the interviewer. "I am sorry, but I will not kill my wife." He leaves and the next interviewee comes in. "Mr. Ros…

The CIA the FBI and the KGB hold a competition The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes i…

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest... The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist. The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming." The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

Old joke from former Eastern Germany: An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, KGB and the Stasi.... The CIA team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later. "As far as we can determine, the remains are about 500,000 years old." Not to be outdone by the CIA, the KGB goes in and comes out about 8 hours later. "The remains are approximately 51…

The CIA, GIGN and KGB...... are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn…