#london

People keep telling me that I have a higher chance of getting mugged in London than in New York. Well, what do they expect, I don't live in New York.

To celebrate the new year, the UK set off tonnes of fireworks in London. GF: this is such a waste of money. There are homeless people and people starving, and the government pay for this! Me: yes, but blowing them up would be wrong.

Texan, Russian and New Yorker walk into a restaurant A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London. The waiter tells them, ""Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."" The Texan says, ""What's a shortage?"" The Russian says, ""What's a steak?"" The New Yorker says, ""What's 'excuse me'?""

Sarcasm Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm. ""It was weird"" Fullmer said. ""I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, ""Great weather eh?"" and I thought - ""Wait a minute, no way is it great weather"". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himse…

A Nazi agent is supposed to pick up some docs from a resident agent in London during WWII. Due to some unexpected mess-up, they drop at the meeting point, a soldier that speaks no English. The meeting point is a bar. So, they tell him to just come up to the barman, order gin, since the word sounds the same in both languages, nod for ""thanks"", pay and sit quietly in the corner not uttering a word, so no one gets that he is a German. So, he enters the bar, comes up to the barmen and then it goes…

I was telling my friend in London a joke... ...but I wasn't sure it would translate well into English.

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon? He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

Apparently its true. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

You die and arrive at The Pearly Gates... and as you're about to check-in you see that the walls are covered in thousands of clocks; each one with a small name carved underneath. Curious you ask St. Peter the obvious question, ""what's with all these clocks on the wall?"" A wry smile appears on his face. ""Simple"" he chortles. ""Everyone on Earth has a clock and when their time runs out... they die."" All seems legit you think to yourself. Just then out of the corner of your eye you see one of …

Killing spree in London england A man in London had an assault rifle and body armor today. He was on a shooting spree for 5 hours. The police in England don't even carry guns. The guy kept shouting that he is going around London and killing all the British he finds. There are reports coming out now that the body count could be as high as 3-4.

Condom tag line In London, a condom dispensing machine had these words inscribed : ""Our products are safe! Strictly made as per High British standards"". Someone added below - ""So was the Titanic, but it leaked.""

The three stuttering Irishmen.. A very attractive young female speech pathologist was presented with three young Irishmen, all of whom stuttered. She spent many long hours working with them both individually and as a group. She tried everything in the book. Finally, totally perplexed by their lack of progress she called them all together one day. ""Paddy, Mick, Sean. I am at my wits end. I am willing to make you this bargain. If any of you, ANY of you can say the name of the town where he was bo…

While on vacation the desk clerk at the London hotel told me I'd only get the key to my room if I presented him with 250 pounds... ... so I introduced him to my wife.

A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad.. Says the agent: ""Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal."" The lady: ""Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?"" The agent: ""Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Australia. Sea surfing, para gliding, 5 star hotel stay and kangaroo ride as well. Just $1500 per couple. Hell of a deal."" The lady: ""Wow. But still.. do ha…

A British man once wished to visit Australia A Englishman from London decided he needed a vacation, and chose Sydney, Australia, but soon realized that he could never afford such a trip. So, he finally came to the decision to stop buying tea, and use all the money he saved from not buying tea to fund his new dream. After a couple years, he had accumulated plenty and took 2 weeks off work to take his trip over the Summer. As his plane was flying over the Australian outback, about 2 hours out from…

Two beggars in London Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London ... Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects 2 to 3 every day. Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Habib asks Ali :- 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?' Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Habib's sign reads 'I have …

The Sports Mechanic Three middle-aged women are sitting on a park bench discussing their children. ""My son William studied Architecture at Cambridge. He's 25 years old now and he makes 70,000 a year at Bregmann and Hamann,"" the first woman says. ""My son Charlie read Law at Oxford. He'll be turning 23 in October and he makes 100,000 a year at Shoe Lane Chambers,"" says the second woman. ""My son Max didn't go to uni. He left school at the age of 16, as a matter of fact. He's 30 now, but he mak…

The Glue Truck A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck to the road. A crowd gathers around the helpless pedestrian, all wanting a look at the man and thinking about how to help him, although he's in a sticky situation that looks quite inesc…

Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds, Poor bastard.

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, ""Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"" The En…

A butcher in London... So there's a butcher who lives in one of the more run down neighbourhoods of London. As such, he constantly has to deal with petty thieves trying to steal meat out of his shop. He's not an educated man, but he becomes quite crafty in protecting his livelihood. One day, the Duke of Wellington passes by the shoppe on his way to a meeting, and sees the man at work, fighting off thieves. The Duke of Wellington is impressed, and spur of the moment, offers the butcher a generals…

I want to tell a joke about infrastructure spending in the UK but only people in London will get it.

An Irishman wants to rob a London bank... An Irishman wants to rob a major London bank, but he is worried that his thick Irish accent will give him away. He decides to go to a language class to learn how to speak Proper English like a real Englishman. After months of practise, he strolls into the bank with a sawn-off shotgun, and in perfect upper class English says: ""I say, old chap, hand over all your money or I'll jolly well shoot your head off!"" The bank teller just looks at him. ""You're I…

In a hotel room in London, the room service boy knocks on the door, And says ""here are your Pringles sir"" The Arab guest looks at the box of potato chips for a few minutes appearing confused. Finally he says, ""Wallah Habibi, I said bring girls""

Peter spends the weekend in London seeing his friend. Several things occur that leaves his friend wondering whether or not he's gay. On the day he leaves, at the train station, his friend wonders whether or not he should ask him if he's gay before the train departs. He shouts loud enough to ask him, ""Peter, are you gay?"" Peter just waves outside his window and tells him, ""Bye!""