#london

I once knew a Vulcan who grew up in London He had a Spockney accent.

A normal American guy bought the fastest and newest car ever created A normal American guy bought the fastest and newest car ever created. He entered the car and turned on the radio; He heard: ""This Is London!"" The man said: DAMN this thing is FAST!

I visited Karl Marx's grave in London yesterday. It was just another Communist plot.

An Irishman walks into a bar in London , orders 3 pints of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender tells him, ""You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."" The Irishman replies, ""Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dublin , the other in Canada and I'm here in London . When we left home, we promised that …

The year is 1958, My Fair Lady premiers in London and all the tickets have been sold out for months. To thier surprise a couple sees an empty seat in front of them. They lean forward and ask the lady sitting next to it:   ""Excuse me, do you know why there is an empty seat here?"" ""Ah yes. My husband and I bought tickets but unfortunately he has passed away."" ""Oh, we're terribly sorry.""   Then after about a minute they lean forward again:   ""But why didn't you giv…

American Soldier An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, ""Please, ma'am, may I sit in t…

Latest Airport Security Device The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a mu…

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said ""Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians"". A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said ""Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians"". …

I ran an ice cream shop near the Thames in London... We had great business because we were stationed right outside Scotland Yard headquarters. In fact, we were so well-known that we were actually picked from all other shops in London to host Britain's first-annual Ice Cream Seller's contest. Over a thousand people turned up, and they actually had to cordon off part of the Thames with a buoyed police rope due to the traffic we were generating! The events ranged from Fastest Scoop to Best Waffle C…

Bloody Good Question How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.

I lost over 100 pounds in the last week. The casinos here in London have terrible odds.

3 mods walk into a bar Bartender looks at them and says ""You guys look tired"". First mod says ""Yeah we had a long trip - we came from the other side of London"". Second mod says ""Yeah, but man that was some flash kicks - we were thrashing those Vespas - riding as fast as they could go"". Third mod picks up a newspaper and says ""What's this? 2016? - we left home in 1967"".

Trump Meets The Queen Arriving in England in his private jet, Mr. Trump boarded a waiting limousine where he met the Queen. Together they drove to London where they switched to a carriage hitched to six white horses. As the coach proceeded to Buckingham Palace, the rear horse let fly a putrid, long-hovering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant and Mr. Trump held a handkerchief over his nose. The Queen turned to Donald and said: ""Mr. Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but…

Donald and the Queen A private Lear jet arrives at Heathrow International Airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception with the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse let…

My flight from New York to London just landed. As we were landing, the captain said ""Ladies and gentlemen, here we are in London. Our flight today has taken six hours and twenty seven minutes."" I shouted ""Is that a record?"" The captain replied ""No, it's me talking.""

London weather is just like Iraq. A little bit sunni, but mostly shiite.

Will and Guy Select Our Top Ten Quirky Words: Barking: Thought to be named after the London suburb, home to a former asylum site; hence 'Barking mad'. Binge: A bout of uncontrolled indulgence. Blighty: A word much loved by RAF types in WW2. Originally from the Hindi word ""bilayati"" meaning foreign. Blimey: Could be shorthand for ""God, blind me."" Chum: A ""chummy"" used to be a chimney sweep's assistant. Cuppa: First used for tea by PG Wodehouse, the playwright. Dear: From an old English word…

A blonde goes on a plane to London and decide to sit in first class seat The flight attendant approaches her and asks her to move back to her seat as these seats are very expensive. She refused to move and said "" I'm blonde,I'm beautiful and i'll seat wherever i want"". Next comes the co-pilot and she responds the same... After a while the pilot approaches her whisper in her ear and immediately she got up and went back to her seat. The flight attendant and the co-pilot were so surprised and ask…

Great roll model A kid all confused asked his dad: Dad, dad..What is closer the moon or London? To what the dad responds all serious: Do you see London from here?

Why are London buses red? Because they have to come every 10 minutes

So the Mayor of London Boris Johnson has knocked a 10 year old boy to the ground... Then again... wouldn't be the first time a British MPs tackle has hurt an under aged child would it?

Two blondes were on a plane flying from London to New York An hour into the flight, a loud explosion was heard and the plane shook, alarming all the other passengers. After a few minutes, the captain announced ""One of our engines has malfunctioned. However, we have three engines left but that would mean that our flight would be an hour longer. Thank you for your patience"". Thirty minutes later, another boom was heard and captain announced ""One more engine has failed and the flight will be two…

Genuine appraisal.... Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow ""Ooh!"" said the presenter. ""This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"" ""Sticks,"" said Paddy

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had been so horrendously genetically modified in a lab that it had taken on almost human-like intelligence. Growing up in the lab, among hippy scientists and political idealists talking about the socialist revolution and liberation he thought one day, one day, he would have his freedom. Later that year, in an act of civil defiance within the chicken coop, he refused to eat the chicken feed alloted to him. As the scientists opened the cage to seize t…

A German tourist walks into a pie shop on Fleet Street in London And tells the lady behind the counter, ""I would like to become a pie."" And so he did.